I love baseball. I've loved it ever since I was a little boy back in
the early 1980s. Every April, my older brother and I would sit around
and hope that our team, the New York Yankees wouldn't come in last
place. Anything but last, we were happy with. Then, a decade later,
the Yankees started to get better and they made the playoffs. We just
wanted them to win a playoff series. I'll never forget the moment that
happened. I was 17 years old, in college, and they finally beat the
Texas Rangers to advance one step closer to the ultimate prize: the
World Series. Next, they beat the Baltimore Orioles, during the tail
end of Cal Ripken's career, and they wound up coming from behind, in an
unbelievable fashion, to beat the Atlanta Braves. I remember it like it
was yesterday: being in my friends' dorm room in college, celebrating
when Charlie Hayes caught the ball in third base foul territory and it
was over...my team actually won something. Even though I was living in
Ohio at the time, boy did I celebrate...my mom and dad are now thinking,
"Money well spent".
Ever since then, I knew that no matter what, I
saw my team win the ultimate prize. Anything else is icing on the
cake. So, of course, I was thrilled when the Yankees won in 98, 99,
2000 and 2009. Even my favorite college basketball team, Syracuse won
in 2003. I've been very blessed with my sports teams.
I grew up with baseball, and college basketball. In upstate New York, those sports were huge.
When
I moved to Florida in 2005, I realized the local sports fandom turned
upside down and here, everyone loves college football and the NFL. I
held out for a long time, talking baseball, hoping I could find baseball
fans. I could have spray painted my house in red, saying "Red Sox
suck!!" and people would have wondered if the Red Sox were in the SEC.
I
have given up and it pains me to say this, but America, unfortunately
has adopted the NFL as its sport. It's awful to admit, it's hurtful to
concede, but it has been time. When ESPN was doing daily NFL shows in
April, a good five months before the season started, I knew it was time
to waive the flag.
And, now I sit here, to tell you that the NFL
needs to get its act together. This league is a multi billion dollar
industry. I think their commissioner Roger Goodell actually rolls in
the money, inside a big money vault, ala Scrooge McDuck style. However,
the one thing that is shaming Goodell and his league right now are
these replacement refs.
Goodell and his owners have locked out the
regular refs because the regulars want a 401K, and they don't want what
the league insists on which is a seven man, three crew referee system
that roves around replacing the regular refs, when the regulars have a
bad game. The refs make pennies compared to what the league brings in.
However, Goodell won't budge, and the refs won't budge and now, the
games aren't completely legitimate.
You think I'm joking...watch
the end of last night's Packers/Seahawks game where Seahawks receiver
Golden Tate two arm pushed the Packers defender (which is offensive pass
interference) before jumping up to not catch a Hail Mary pass, because
Packers safety M.D. Jennings caught it, only to have Tate wrestle it
away from him five seconds later, and one ref called it a touchdown and
one ref called it a touchback (meaning the Packers intercepted the
ball), only to have the replay clearly show the Packers had the ball,
and yet the call wasn't overturned on replay, which blows my mind,
because the first ref called it a touchdown, and he's the same ref that
missed the offensive pass interference call...whew!
They have called pass interference when no one has been touched, they have called a personal foul for 27 yards when it's never more than 15 yards, they have pointed the wrong way when identifying which team committed the foul, they have faced the opposite direction so we could only see their back side when they called a penalty, and they have even said a penalty is on a team that wasn't even playing the game.
Most of these
refs have never officiated a game above the Division III level. Now,
they have jumped over two bigger leagues to referee the BIGGEST league,
and it's all out there for us to see them screwing up. Can you blame
the guys? They're not used to the speed of the game, and they have been
given very little training up until this point to officiate these
games. It was only a couple weeks before the season that the league
said they were going to start with these replacement refs. They have
been thrown into the fire, without an extinguisher and they're trying to
calmly blow the flames out with their mouths. It's not working.
Super
Bowl winning quarterback Drew Brees commented,"There’s definitely a
lack of confidence in what’s going to get called and what’s not going to
get called. You know, they’re just not prepared to be in this
situation. The game is so fast, and the level that all of them were at
and now are at — it just doesn’t even compare. You know, I think it’s
getting to a point where it’s pretty horrendous and it’s an
embarrassment to the league and the way it’s being conducted."
Super
Bowl winning quarterback Aaron Rodgers said, "integrity of the game” by
continuing to use replacement referees who are clearly unqualified and
ill-prepared to officiate NFL games."
Super Bowl winning coach
Bill Belichick grabbed an official after Sunday night's loss because of a
phantom pass interference call that didn't give him his desired outcome
on the game.
Every week, these refs are blowing calls. Players
have admitted to intimidating these refs into giving them favorable
calls. It has really turned into a circus.
As much as I love
baseball, and have lamented the growth of the NFL, even I can admit this
is bad, America. Your sport is being hijacked by these Division III
refs.
Hey, America, baseball is ready to come back and be your sport if you will open your arms again. Any chance you'll have us???
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Wednesday, August 29, 2012
Are journalists being pushed too much?
I'm taking a Masters class in Media Convergence and Planning. Basically, it talks a lot about how journalists aren't focused on just writing a story for their medium, say television. They are also shooting video, taking pictures, writing web updates, doing stories for other television outlets throughout the country, etc. It's exhausting.
My class asks us to write a blog each week about whatever we want. So, I wrote about my thoughts on media convergence, and then I realized, maybe I shouldn't have been so critical considering my professor will be grading this, but a blog should be honest. Grade me for my knowledge, not for my belief.
Anyways, this is what I wrote...please let me know what you think. If it's good, pass it along to someone. If it's not, pretend it's good :) Just kidding, let me know so I can improve my writing.
Thanks everyone!
Are Journlists Being Pushed Too Much?
Edward R Murrow is rolling over in his grave. Aside from his famed DeLorean, unless Back To The Future's Doc Brown comes up with another great invention, say add on two additional hours to each day, journalists simply do not have enough time to formulate quality news stories like they used to.
Converged journalists are the wave of the present and the future. News directors, and newspaper editors want more out of their reporters besides just writing a story. That was SO 1990s. Now, journalists are expected to develop sources, get soundbites, write, shoot video, take pictures, make sure they look presentable so they can do live shots for tv, or web updates or both. They are supposed to find out the "why" behind the "what" while searching around town for the people that know the "who" so they can get the "how". And, if that wasn't enough, many times they have to do two roles. How are they supposed to have time to do anything but skim the surface news? With high pressure demands to fit different media convergences, it's nearly impossible for converged journalists to do anything but wash, rinse, repeat.
When I worked in television news, we used to have "Sweeps" days. Sweeps period are a block of days that occur four times a year, usually lasting a month, that television networks and advertisers pay special attention to, in order to focus on the ratings and ad prices for the future. If your ratings are good, advertisers want to be on your network, tv execs know this so ad prices go up and the dollars continue to pour in. Television bosses love dollars! So, during these "sweeps" days you were given a day to not turn a story, but work on a bigger, more important, ground breaking story for the future. However, as happens nearly every time, there would be some form of breaking news, they would look around the newsroom and see a reporter working on their sweeps story, and say, we need you to cover this. They would run out and cover it, and their sweeps day was crossed off the calendar with less to show for it than they originally hoped.
You ask, what's my point? My point is, in journalism, the immediate always looks shinier than the big picture. TV time, column spaces, radio time all need to be filled on a daily basis. Newscasts and newspapers are approximately the same length every day, and content needs to fill that spot, or as we like to call it, "Feed The Beast". The mode now is to spread the reporter's wings to hit many different mediums...tv, radio, print and web. Many times they intercede on the same story, because the more mediums you are on, the better exposure of the organization, and the more exposure, hopefully better ratings and with better ratings, we have learned more dollar signs and Quiz Time: What do tv execs like? Answer: Dollar Signs.
When I used to see a reporter setting up the camera to shoot their story, pressing record and walking away, so they can get closer to do the interview, I cringed. When I saw them huffing around in 90 degree heat shooting a bank robbery in their pant suits, I cringed. When I saw a print photographer carrying a still and video camera at the same time, one for print, the other to post video on the web, I cringed. Welcome to Converged Journalism! The wave of journalists doing more for more outlets.
What are we the viewer really learning besides bare bones journalism? We have learned digging deeper uses a very shallow shovel. Instead, they are told to use a wide sweeping broom to cover it all. That is the focus of the future. Somewhere Edward is shaking his fists at us.
My class asks us to write a blog each week about whatever we want. So, I wrote about my thoughts on media convergence, and then I realized, maybe I shouldn't have been so critical considering my professor will be grading this, but a blog should be honest. Grade me for my knowledge, not for my belief.
Anyways, this is what I wrote...please let me know what you think. If it's good, pass it along to someone. If it's not, pretend it's good :) Just kidding, let me know so I can improve my writing.
Thanks everyone!
Are Journlists Being Pushed Too Much?
Edward R Murrow is rolling over in his grave. Aside from his famed DeLorean, unless Back To The Future's Doc Brown comes up with another great invention, say add on two additional hours to each day, journalists simply do not have enough time to formulate quality news stories like they used to.
Converged journalists are the wave of the present and the future. News directors, and newspaper editors want more out of their reporters besides just writing a story. That was SO 1990s. Now, journalists are expected to develop sources, get soundbites, write, shoot video, take pictures, make sure they look presentable so they can do live shots for tv, or web updates or both. They are supposed to find out the "why" behind the "what" while searching around town for the people that know the "who" so they can get the "how". And, if that wasn't enough, many times they have to do two roles. How are they supposed to have time to do anything but skim the surface news? With high pressure demands to fit different media convergences, it's nearly impossible for converged journalists to do anything but wash, rinse, repeat.
When I worked in television news, we used to have "Sweeps" days. Sweeps period are a block of days that occur four times a year, usually lasting a month, that television networks and advertisers pay special attention to, in order to focus on the ratings and ad prices for the future. If your ratings are good, advertisers want to be on your network, tv execs know this so ad prices go up and the dollars continue to pour in. Television bosses love dollars! So, during these "sweeps" days you were given a day to not turn a story, but work on a bigger, more important, ground breaking story for the future. However, as happens nearly every time, there would be some form of breaking news, they would look around the newsroom and see a reporter working on their sweeps story, and say, we need you to cover this. They would run out and cover it, and their sweeps day was crossed off the calendar with less to show for it than they originally hoped.
You ask, what's my point? My point is, in journalism, the immediate always looks shinier than the big picture. TV time, column spaces, radio time all need to be filled on a daily basis. Newscasts and newspapers are approximately the same length every day, and content needs to fill that spot, or as we like to call it, "Feed The Beast". The mode now is to spread the reporter's wings to hit many different mediums...tv, radio, print and web. Many times they intercede on the same story, because the more mediums you are on, the better exposure of the organization, and the more exposure, hopefully better ratings and with better ratings, we have learned more dollar signs and Quiz Time: What do tv execs like? Answer: Dollar Signs.
When I used to see a reporter setting up the camera to shoot their story, pressing record and walking away, so they can get closer to do the interview, I cringed. When I saw them huffing around in 90 degree heat shooting a bank robbery in their pant suits, I cringed. When I saw a print photographer carrying a still and video camera at the same time, one for print, the other to post video on the web, I cringed. Welcome to Converged Journalism! The wave of journalists doing more for more outlets.
What are we the viewer really learning besides bare bones journalism? We have learned digging deeper uses a very shallow shovel. Instead, they are told to use a wide sweeping broom to cover it all. That is the focus of the future. Somewhere Edward is shaking his fists at us.
Friday, May 4, 2012
The Death Of A Sandman
They call New York City "The City That Never Sleeps".
Ironic.
For 17 seasons, one of the great icons of the New York Yankees, Mariano Rivera and his "Enter Sandman" entrance song has shut the lights out.
Game after game, Yankee closer Mariano Rivera would dissolve the opposing team's will to nothing, their bats shattered into dust, and sped up their inevitable walk back to the clubhouse, as losers. When Mariano came to the mound, the chefs preparing the postgame spread knew they needed to speed up service.
Until now.
Thursday, May 3rd, while shagging fly balls during pregame batting practice in Kansas City, Mariano twisted his knee on the warning track dirt. Mariano fell, immediately grabbed his right knee, writhed in pain, face contorted from a guy who never seem fazed about anything. At the time, you just knew he tore his ACL. Hours later, doctors confirmed the Yankee nightmare. This Kansas City dirt should go to the Smithsonian because it's the only thing that has stopped Mariano since the mid 90s.
Mariano was carted off the field underneath a billboard sign in the stadium that said, "Walk Off A Hero". Fitting for a guy who is so beloved by everyone in baseball. Many players, former and current, have called him one of the nicest, most respectful players they have ever seen on the field.
Years ago, baseball retired Jackie Robinson's #42. The league wanted everyone else to stop wearing that number, so we could all remember Jackie and his fight into baseball as the first African American player. However, baseball made an exception for Mariano. He wore #42 his entire career and they let him keep wearing it. They knew Mariano was a great representative of not only Jackie, but of the league, and who better to be an example to the younger generation, who haven't followed the new school tradition of going towards the NFL as America's sport, but instead hang on to baseball as America's past time.
For the past 17 seasons, I have been blessed to watch Mariano close game after game, night after night. During his career, he has 608 saves; the career saves leader. He has an ERA of 2.21, the lowest of any pitcher since 1921, who has pitched a minimum of 1000 innings. He has struck out over 1100 batters; almost one per inning. He gives up a home run about once every two months. Amazing, considering...
He throws one pitch. A cutter that goes into left handed hitters and away from right handed hitters. He has perfected it so well that everyone knows it's coming, and everyone either strikes out, breaks their bat or grounds out weakly. Incredible. For 17 years, this has been Mo's M.O. and everyone can't stop it. It was like watching a sun rise. Everyday, it was going to happen, you couldn't stop it, and you just sat there in awe and amazement.
It has been a true honor to watch Mariano. He has given me so much joy in being the last man to stand on the mound, solidifying another Yankee win. He has won five World Series championships and has closed out the series clinching win in four of those. The greatest moments for me include him finishing off the cross town Mets during the 2000 World Series, and him pitching an incredible three innings to beat their rivaled Red Sox during Game 7 of the 2003 ALCS. Those games meant more to me as a Yankee fan than any other. You were always going to hear about it from their fans if the Yankees lost, and fortunately, Mariano did not let that happen.
Mo is 42 years old, and he said before the beginning of the year, he made up his mind whether this was his swan song. He didn't say one way or the other, but you got the sense this was it. The best closer in baseball history, the soft spoken, well mannered guy who shattered the dreams of the opposing teams fans, was going to soon slowly walk off the eighteen foot high mound consisting of dirt and rubber, and on towards the bright light of retirement. And, now he's out for the rest of the season. Time will tell if he walked off for the final time. But, one thing is for certain, he most definitely walked off a hero.
Ironic.
For 17 seasons, one of the great icons of the New York Yankees, Mariano Rivera and his "Enter Sandman" entrance song has shut the lights out.
Game after game, Yankee closer Mariano Rivera would dissolve the opposing team's will to nothing, their bats shattered into dust, and sped up their inevitable walk back to the clubhouse, as losers. When Mariano came to the mound, the chefs preparing the postgame spread knew they needed to speed up service.
Until now.
Thursday, May 3rd, while shagging fly balls during pregame batting practice in Kansas City, Mariano twisted his knee on the warning track dirt. Mariano fell, immediately grabbed his right knee, writhed in pain, face contorted from a guy who never seem fazed about anything. At the time, you just knew he tore his ACL. Hours later, doctors confirmed the Yankee nightmare. This Kansas City dirt should go to the Smithsonian because it's the only thing that has stopped Mariano since the mid 90s.
Mariano was carted off the field underneath a billboard sign in the stadium that said, "Walk Off A Hero". Fitting for a guy who is so beloved by everyone in baseball. Many players, former and current, have called him one of the nicest, most respectful players they have ever seen on the field.
Years ago, baseball retired Jackie Robinson's #42. The league wanted everyone else to stop wearing that number, so we could all remember Jackie and his fight into baseball as the first African American player. However, baseball made an exception for Mariano. He wore #42 his entire career and they let him keep wearing it. They knew Mariano was a great representative of not only Jackie, but of the league, and who better to be an example to the younger generation, who haven't followed the new school tradition of going towards the NFL as America's sport, but instead hang on to baseball as America's past time.
For the past 17 seasons, I have been blessed to watch Mariano close game after game, night after night. During his career, he has 608 saves; the career saves leader. He has an ERA of 2.21, the lowest of any pitcher since 1921, who has pitched a minimum of 1000 innings. He has struck out over 1100 batters; almost one per inning. He gives up a home run about once every two months. Amazing, considering...
He throws one pitch. A cutter that goes into left handed hitters and away from right handed hitters. He has perfected it so well that everyone knows it's coming, and everyone either strikes out, breaks their bat or grounds out weakly. Incredible. For 17 years, this has been Mo's M.O. and everyone can't stop it. It was like watching a sun rise. Everyday, it was going to happen, you couldn't stop it, and you just sat there in awe and amazement.
It has been a true honor to watch Mariano. He has given me so much joy in being the last man to stand on the mound, solidifying another Yankee win. He has won five World Series championships and has closed out the series clinching win in four of those. The greatest moments for me include him finishing off the cross town Mets during the 2000 World Series, and him pitching an incredible three innings to beat their rivaled Red Sox during Game 7 of the 2003 ALCS. Those games meant more to me as a Yankee fan than any other. You were always going to hear about it from their fans if the Yankees lost, and fortunately, Mariano did not let that happen.
Mo is 42 years old, and he said before the beginning of the year, he made up his mind whether this was his swan song. He didn't say one way or the other, but you got the sense this was it. The best closer in baseball history, the soft spoken, well mannered guy who shattered the dreams of the opposing teams fans, was going to soon slowly walk off the eighteen foot high mound consisting of dirt and rubber, and on towards the bright light of retirement. And, now he's out for the rest of the season. Time will tell if he walked off for the final time. But, one thing is for certain, he most definitely walked off a hero.
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
There's No Business Like Show Business
Ten days ago, I was a cruise virgin.
And, when people find that out, everyone who is "experienced", mentions what they like about a cruise. Mostly, they talk about the food. How much there is, how good it is, etc.
No one told me about the entertainment, and I'll remember that, much more than anything else on the boat.
One note of reference, never call it a boat to anyone who works and lives on there. And, live they do.
Stay with me as I go onto another tangent...there are over 1200 crew members who call the ship their home. And I was very jealous up until the last twenty four hours when I was in, "Get Me The Hell Off The Boat" mode.
These crew members sign on for six or nine month contracts. They work everyday, no off days. They range from cleaning the rooms, serving the food, doling out the drinks, working at the front desk, making sure the ship doesn't tip over, you know basic stuff. I thought it was the coolest thing because they get to see the world. On our excursion alone, we saw the Bahamas, St. Maarten, St. Thomas and Turks and Caicos. We were the last Caribbean tour of the season. After they dropped us off Sunday morning, they left a few hours later, with a fresh 1500 Cruisers to Europe. Six straight days at sea as they sailed towards Barcelona. I was extremely jealous.
Yet, every time I saw a staff member and told him how jealous I was they get to see the world, they gave me this smirk look like, "If you see what's going on behind the curtain, you won't be so jealous." We all have seen that look. Whether it be when a six year old sits on Santa's lap at the mall and realizes this jovial, bearded one gets to go to the North Pole with his elves and reindeer (Reality: He just took a shot of whiskey as he strolled out of his car to heat up because the car heater didn't work, and this is his third job, trying to make ends meet, if he would only give up the alcohol)...OR...the Happy Magic Kingdom workers I see on a regular basis, singing and dancing on The Main Street Parade (Reality: it's their fourteenth such parade that week, their knees are banged up, their feet have callouses and they each have to massage each other's faces afterward to get the Disney mandated smile off, because their cheeks are stuck).
So, after I told the 15th Ruby Princess Cruise worker I was jealous they get to sail around the world, and I got the same grin, I thought, "You know what? I'll keep my Florida life." Besides, I wouldn't be able to take the puppies with me on board and oh yeah, there's NO WAY Kristen would go for it. However, the way Kristen acted the last night of the cruise, you never know.
But, before we get to that, back to the entertainment...each night there was a show in the theater, whether it was a Magic Show, or a Broadway inspired show, or a show where different cruise workers got on stage for a talent show.
Something like this...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sFsV6T3s4fI
Then, there were movies...EVERYWHERE, and I loved it.
You could sit on the top level of the boat...DAMN...ship, with more food (Shocking!!!) and watch a movie that just hit rental, like Moneyball, or Iron Lady, or Pirates of the Caribbean 4 (which still scares my wife somehow, she's a grown woman, yet still scared of Pirates, her movie zone is Rom Coms.
(Trailer voice): "In a world where 24 year old women have trouble meeting men, only to find out they take their work too seriously, and once they dial it back, all of a sudden Zac Effron or Ryan Reynolds or Patrick Dempsey show up, take them on ridiculous, unrealistic dates, involving water falls, hot air balloons and carriage rides and all you men are now held to this standard, culminating in a scene where they passionately make out in the rain and they fall in love and The End")
Really Hollywood?!? Really???
Can we mix it up with, cue Trailer Voice...
(Trailer Voice): "(cough cough) In a world where 24 year old women have trouble meeting men, only to find out they take work too seriously, and once they dial it back, all of a sudden Zac Effron or Ryan Reynolds or Patrick Dempsey show up, take them to Chili's, only to find out the wait is an hour and a half, so they hit a Chic Fil A drive thru, only to be told their Waffle Fries are going to take an extra five minutes and please pull forward to wait, they do, eventually eat their fries in the car, drip Polynesian Sauce on their shirts, and cut the date short because their heart burn is acting up.)
Yeah, women Zac, Ryan and Patrick don't look too sexy now, do they?
Wait, they do?
DAMN!
Other forms of entertainment were The Casino (the most unfriendly dealers ever, worse than Vegas, I felt like I was a part of a legal Mob hit), Bingo (unrealistic prices but huge jackpot, we didn't win, the odds are really bad, I'm bitter I didn't realize this earlier) and Mark Cornish.
Mark Cornish is Kristen's new gay Crush. I have to say gay Crush, because if I just say Crush, and not explain it, people might think less of her. But, damn, she was pretty smitten for some Mark Cornish.
Here's some YouTube footage I've found (which will immediately excite Kristen):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-h1F-tGeoEI
Or his facebook page...which I don't think she's found yet.
https://www.facebook.com/markcornish
He's basically the life of the party. And by this time, Kristen would have already "liked", "friended" and "messaged" Mark.
Every time she saw him, it was... "HI MARK!!!!"
"Look at Mark, he's so great!!!"
"Isn't he the funniest?" "Honey, he's collecting Bingo cards" "But, look how well he does it....HI MARK!!!!!"
And, finally the last night of the cruise. It was a doozy for Kristen and she was sober.
Throughout the week we played a lot of trivia games and we were always Top 5, but never in first. The last game was called Quest. We didn't know what we were getting ourselves into. If I knew, I would have brought a helmet and shoulder pads.
They would call for an item and you had to find the item and run it up to a cruise member. There were 20 teams, and a whole lot of items. The first two teams to get to the cruise member got five points. Everyone else got one point. The allure was we didn't know what we were playing for. A trip....free drinks...free casino chips to be brought back to the mean dealers only to be taken away ten minutes later without even a "Thank You for playing", but more a tone of "You Wanna Piece Of Me?"
Anyways, getting back to Quest, the items were random. Some were easy. Like bringing up a menu or a Ruby Princess newsletter. Others were, let's just say, they speak for themselves...
ITEM #8: BRING UP ONE MAN WHO IS WEARING TWO BRAS...
Kristen rips off her bra, and hounds another woman for her bra and ten seconds later, I'm rushed up to the front wearing a bra, and I have another on my head. And then we have to stay up there to be interviewed.
ITEM #11: WE WANT TWO LADIES WEARING A PAIR OF MAN'S PANTS...
Kristen is YELLING at me to take off my shorts (they qualified as pants apparently, she didn't give me much time to figure something else out), yanks another woman up to the stage and she's, let's say STRONGLY VERBALLY ENCOURAGING her to put the shorts on with her...And of course, the cruise members tell them to leave the pants up there for all the guys to have to retrieve afterwards...in their boxers.
ITEM #15: BRING UP A WOMAN WEARING A MAN'S SHIRT
Seriously?!?!?! What's the obsession with men's clothing here??? Kristen zooms up there like my shirt was on fire and she was going for an extinguisher. And of course, they slowly stroll back afterwards to give us our shirts. I didn't see the same HUSTLE returning the clothes, ladies!
ITEM #17 ("When is this game going to end?"): BRING UP A MAN WEARING WOMEN'S SHOES
Kristen yells GET UP THERE BUT DON'T RUIN MY SHOES THEY'RE NICE!!!!
ITEM #19: BRING UP A WOMAN WEARING A MAN'S TIE
I wasn't wearing one. Kristen runs...RUNS...around yelling at complete strangers, GIVE ME YOUR TIE...GIVE ME YOUR TIE...then when getting it, SPRINTS towards the cruise member wearing the tie.
It was The Wrath Of Kristen. I desperately wish I had a video camera. It would have been a great sociological experiment, because it wasn't just Kristen RUNNING towards the cruise workers. It was all the women. All of them, elbowing each other, YELLING at their unexpecting husbands. It was like watching the video of women rushing after the one day discounted wedding dresses. I saw a grown woman, RUNNING, then falling face first onto the floor trying to turn in her item. And, yet she bounces right back up. If that was at work, she would have been filing for workman's comp, and work would have already sent flowers, pleading for her not to sue.
It was insane. This is why Scavenger Hunts are usually for kids. Adult Scavenger Hunt is CRRRRAAAAAZZZZZYYYYYY!!!!!!
At the end of it, we won. I mean, Kristen won. Even though we were a team of four, she was THE RING LEADER!!!!
You know what we won?
A water bottle.
But it was DAMN WORTH IT!!!, if you ask her.
She was on an adrenaline high for two hours afterwards. The only things I could get her to say was, with a sweaty, ear to ear grin...
10:07 pm "I can't believe I won"
10:15 pm "That was so much fun"
10:31 pm "My Dad would be so proud of me"
11:02 pm "I crushed all of them. I mean 64 points, we must have come in first or second (again, out of 20 teams), about ten times."
11:12 pm "I Dominated" (I made that up, but she was thinking it)
11: 24 pm "Quest is my B$%$%" (Made that up to, but she was thinking that as well, she had Crazy Eyes going)
11:35 pm (Looking at another 74 year old woman going up for her nightly 11pm Buffet Feeding): "You Want A Piece Of This?"
And yet, we're going to have to put The Water Bottle in our will. And that was the highlight of the trip.
Lesson to be learned, you do not...DO NOT...mess with a woman when a competition is going down...even if none of them know what they are competing FOR...they know who they are competing AGAINST and a woman does not want to lose to another woman.
That's why The Bachelor show is so popular.
And, when people find that out, everyone who is "experienced", mentions what they like about a cruise. Mostly, they talk about the food. How much there is, how good it is, etc.
No one told me about the entertainment, and I'll remember that, much more than anything else on the boat.
One note of reference, never call it a boat to anyone who works and lives on there. And, live they do.
Stay with me as I go onto another tangent...there are over 1200 crew members who call the ship their home. And I was very jealous up until the last twenty four hours when I was in, "Get Me The Hell Off The Boat" mode.
These crew members sign on for six or nine month contracts. They work everyday, no off days. They range from cleaning the rooms, serving the food, doling out the drinks, working at the front desk, making sure the ship doesn't tip over, you know basic stuff. I thought it was the coolest thing because they get to see the world. On our excursion alone, we saw the Bahamas, St. Maarten, St. Thomas and Turks and Caicos. We were the last Caribbean tour of the season. After they dropped us off Sunday morning, they left a few hours later, with a fresh 1500 Cruisers to Europe. Six straight days at sea as they sailed towards Barcelona. I was extremely jealous.
Yet, every time I saw a staff member and told him how jealous I was they get to see the world, they gave me this smirk look like, "If you see what's going on behind the curtain, you won't be so jealous." We all have seen that look. Whether it be when a six year old sits on Santa's lap at the mall and realizes this jovial, bearded one gets to go to the North Pole with his elves and reindeer (Reality: He just took a shot of whiskey as he strolled out of his car to heat up because the car heater didn't work, and this is his third job, trying to make ends meet, if he would only give up the alcohol)...OR...the Happy Magic Kingdom workers I see on a regular basis, singing and dancing on The Main Street Parade (Reality: it's their fourteenth such parade that week, their knees are banged up, their feet have callouses and they each have to massage each other's faces afterward to get the Disney mandated smile off, because their cheeks are stuck).
So, after I told the 15th Ruby Princess Cruise worker I was jealous they get to sail around the world, and I got the same grin, I thought, "You know what? I'll keep my Florida life." Besides, I wouldn't be able to take the puppies with me on board and oh yeah, there's NO WAY Kristen would go for it. However, the way Kristen acted the last night of the cruise, you never know.
But, before we get to that, back to the entertainment...each night there was a show in the theater, whether it was a Magic Show, or a Broadway inspired show, or a show where different cruise workers got on stage for a talent show.
Something like this...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sFsV6T3s4fI
Then, there were movies...EVERYWHERE, and I loved it.
You could sit on the top level of the boat...DAMN...ship, with more food (Shocking!!!) and watch a movie that just hit rental, like Moneyball, or Iron Lady, or Pirates of the Caribbean 4 (which still scares my wife somehow, she's a grown woman, yet still scared of Pirates, her movie zone is Rom Coms.
(Trailer voice): "In a world where 24 year old women have trouble meeting men, only to find out they take their work too seriously, and once they dial it back, all of a sudden Zac Effron or Ryan Reynolds or Patrick Dempsey show up, take them on ridiculous, unrealistic dates, involving water falls, hot air balloons and carriage rides and all you men are now held to this standard, culminating in a scene where they passionately make out in the rain and they fall in love and The End")
Really Hollywood?!? Really???
Can we mix it up with, cue Trailer Voice...
(Trailer Voice): "(cough cough) In a world where 24 year old women have trouble meeting men, only to find out they take work too seriously, and once they dial it back, all of a sudden Zac Effron or Ryan Reynolds or Patrick Dempsey show up, take them to Chili's, only to find out the wait is an hour and a half, so they hit a Chic Fil A drive thru, only to be told their Waffle Fries are going to take an extra five minutes and please pull forward to wait, they do, eventually eat their fries in the car, drip Polynesian Sauce on their shirts, and cut the date short because their heart burn is acting up.)
Yeah, women Zac, Ryan and Patrick don't look too sexy now, do they?
Wait, they do?
DAMN!
Other forms of entertainment were The Casino (the most unfriendly dealers ever, worse than Vegas, I felt like I was a part of a legal Mob hit), Bingo (unrealistic prices but huge jackpot, we didn't win, the odds are really bad, I'm bitter I didn't realize this earlier) and Mark Cornish.
Mark Cornish is Kristen's new gay Crush. I have to say gay Crush, because if I just say Crush, and not explain it, people might think less of her. But, damn, she was pretty smitten for some Mark Cornish.
Here's some YouTube footage I've found (which will immediately excite Kristen):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-h1F-tGeoEI
Or his facebook page...which I don't think she's found yet.
https://www.facebook.com/markcornish
He's basically the life of the party. And by this time, Kristen would have already "liked", "friended" and "messaged" Mark.
Every time she saw him, it was... "HI MARK!!!!"
"Look at Mark, he's so great!!!"
"Isn't he the funniest?" "Honey, he's collecting Bingo cards" "But, look how well he does it....HI MARK!!!!!"
And, finally the last night of the cruise. It was a doozy for Kristen and she was sober.
Throughout the week we played a lot of trivia games and we were always Top 5, but never in first. The last game was called Quest. We didn't know what we were getting ourselves into. If I knew, I would have brought a helmet and shoulder pads.
They would call for an item and you had to find the item and run it up to a cruise member. There were 20 teams, and a whole lot of items. The first two teams to get to the cruise member got five points. Everyone else got one point. The allure was we didn't know what we were playing for. A trip....free drinks...free casino chips to be brought back to the mean dealers only to be taken away ten minutes later without even a "Thank You for playing", but more a tone of "You Wanna Piece Of Me?"
Anyways, getting back to Quest, the items were random. Some were easy. Like bringing up a menu or a Ruby Princess newsletter. Others were, let's just say, they speak for themselves...
ITEM #8: BRING UP ONE MAN WHO IS WEARING TWO BRAS...
Kristen rips off her bra, and hounds another woman for her bra and ten seconds later, I'm rushed up to the front wearing a bra, and I have another on my head. And then we have to stay up there to be interviewed.
ITEM #11: WE WANT TWO LADIES WEARING A PAIR OF MAN'S PANTS...
Kristen is YELLING at me to take off my shorts (they qualified as pants apparently, she didn't give me much time to figure something else out), yanks another woman up to the stage and she's, let's say STRONGLY VERBALLY ENCOURAGING her to put the shorts on with her...And of course, the cruise members tell them to leave the pants up there for all the guys to have to retrieve afterwards...in their boxers.
ITEM #15: BRING UP A WOMAN WEARING A MAN'S SHIRT
Seriously?!?!?! What's the obsession with men's clothing here??? Kristen zooms up there like my shirt was on fire and she was going for an extinguisher. And of course, they slowly stroll back afterwards to give us our shirts. I didn't see the same HUSTLE returning the clothes, ladies!
ITEM #17 ("When is this game going to end?"): BRING UP A MAN WEARING WOMEN'S SHOES
Kristen yells GET UP THERE BUT DON'T RUIN MY SHOES THEY'RE NICE!!!!
ITEM #19: BRING UP A WOMAN WEARING A MAN'S TIE
I wasn't wearing one. Kristen runs...RUNS...around yelling at complete strangers, GIVE ME YOUR TIE...GIVE ME YOUR TIE...then when getting it, SPRINTS towards the cruise member wearing the tie.
It was The Wrath Of Kristen. I desperately wish I had a video camera. It would have been a great sociological experiment, because it wasn't just Kristen RUNNING towards the cruise workers. It was all the women. All of them, elbowing each other, YELLING at their unexpecting husbands. It was like watching the video of women rushing after the one day discounted wedding dresses. I saw a grown woman, RUNNING, then falling face first onto the floor trying to turn in her item. And, yet she bounces right back up. If that was at work, she would have been filing for workman's comp, and work would have already sent flowers, pleading for her not to sue.
It was insane. This is why Scavenger Hunts are usually for kids. Adult Scavenger Hunt is CRRRRAAAAAZZZZZYYYYYY!!!!!!
At the end of it, we won. I mean, Kristen won. Even though we were a team of four, she was THE RING LEADER!!!!
You know what we won?
A water bottle.
But it was DAMN WORTH IT!!!, if you ask her.
She was on an adrenaline high for two hours afterwards. The only things I could get her to say was, with a sweaty, ear to ear grin...
10:07 pm "I can't believe I won"
10:15 pm "That was so much fun"
10:31 pm "My Dad would be so proud of me"
11:02 pm "I crushed all of them. I mean 64 points, we must have come in first or second (again, out of 20 teams), about ten times."
11:12 pm "I Dominated" (I made that up, but she was thinking it)
11: 24 pm "Quest is my B$%$%" (Made that up to, but she was thinking that as well, she had Crazy Eyes going)
11:35 pm (Looking at another 74 year old woman going up for her nightly 11pm Buffet Feeding): "You Want A Piece Of This?"
And yet, we're going to have to put The Water Bottle in our will. And that was the highlight of the trip.
Lesson to be learned, you do not...DO NOT...mess with a woman when a competition is going down...even if none of them know what they are competing FOR...they know who they are competing AGAINST and a woman does not want to lose to another woman.
That's why The Bachelor show is so popular.
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
We've Seen The World...Kind Of
Kristen and I are back from our cruise and there is so much to talk about...
First things first...
For those who are wondering if The Streak is alive after my first dip into the Cruise Industry, and the possibilities of sea sickness, the results are in and The Streak persevered. Last month, The Streak had it's Sweet Sixteen party. There was a cake involved. But it wasn't one of those Sweet Sixteen parties you see on MTV where the Dad throws a $500,000 party for his daughter and all of her friends, and P Diddy shows up and presents her with a Lamborghini, blah blah blah.
No this was a modest party. A self reflective, look in the mirror, "Brian, good job, you haven't yacked in 16 years...how about we go another 16?" Head nod, exit bathroom, and we move forward. The Cruise didn't get me down. And for the foreseeable future, the skies look clear, and it looks like we will have a smooth ride.
And, if we back up a little further, I'd like to take a minute to talk about something on the way down to the port. I was driving and my buddy Wiedy was texting me. Since I don't text and drive, Kristen took the digits and started pounding away. Yet, she didn't say it was her. Here is what transpired...
Allegdly Me, Really Kristen: "So, what's the prom situation at the Ebersol House...do you know?" (something I would never ask, but since she's a girl, girls have to exhume feelings out of EVERYTHING!!!)
Wiedy: "Jake The Mistake"
Me (again NOT ME!!): "NO!!!!!! Oh gosh...bad news!!!" (who talks like this?)
I could go on and on, but let's just say the words "bummer", "awww" and "Yay!!!" were used.
This should be a crime. It's identity theft. Spousal textal identify theft. When your spouse takes your phone, texts your buddies as yourself, because you are pre-occupied like driving, eating, or in the shower, and doesn't tell them. It's s-t-i-t. This should not be allowed. Us, men need to take a stand and say no more. What's next? They take the remote away from us to watch...
Oh, this gets me going to a whole different level.
If we go back even further, I'm going to discuss what a typical Monday night is at the Bachman household.
Do you know Kristen has the tv viewership habits of a 15 year old girl? Monday night is littered with "Make it or Break it" (an ABC Family show about teenage girls vying for a spot on the Olympic gymnastics team, Kristen has been watching the show the entire time, SOMEHOW the show is in it's third season, she gets so EXCITED every time they renew), followed by "Gossip Girl" (I don't even know how to describe this show other than to say it's just for teenage girls, and some guy who talks in a whisper and girls think it's sexy), followed by "Smash" (a show about young 20 something girls going for the lead in a Broadway show, yet one girl is sleeping with the director and she's a hoebag, and it looks like she's regretting it, and I really need to re-evaulate my life at this point).
I had the unfortunate incident of watching these shows with her one Monday. That will be the last Monday. When she started her third show, I said, "Enough, I'm going to bed. I can't take this anymore." Did nothing to her. She kept watching. I don't know if she's regressing, but if she is, then I get to watch WWE again. I went when I was little. I should get that back. And watch three hours of it. In the TV Room. Every Monday! YEAH!
(Don't think that's going to happen)
Back to the cruise, my first cruise. We were gone seven days. And here's a recap...
There is a lot of food on a cruise ship. I mean a LOT! Countless, anytime you want it, hamburgers and french fries, alcoholic drinks, ice cream, pizza. And that's just the stuff on the side. The main stuff is the buffets all the time. We were eating at 11pm. Why??? Because you could!!! Of course, the waist line suffered for me. But, when will I get a chance to eat that much? I ate probably a dozen slices of pizza, hamburg, couple pounds of fries, only a couple scoops of ice cream, roast beef, rice, Caesar salad, soup, crackers, paella, vegetables, bread, fried peanut butter sandwiches, fried zucchini, and about forty other dishes. I'm not kidding. There wasn't a time I wasn't hungry. I was either full or half full. When my tank went half, I loaded up again. Wanted to make sure my engine kept running.
My brother would have loved it. He is competing with my buddy Tim as the "Guy Who Could Eat Anything If It Was Put In Front Of Him, It Wasn't Nailed Down, And It Didn't Include Dairy" (for my dairy allergic friend Tim). If you put Cornish Hen in front of either of these guys, they would eat a pound of it, before they even asked what it was. They would say, "Hey, it looks like Chicken, let's go!!!" It's how they roll.
Moving on from the food, we stopped in the Bahamas, then down to St. Maarten for a trip on a Nude-y Beach, then to St. Thomas for some snorkeling, followed up with a stop on Turks and Caicos, and then, oh yeah, I mentioned a Nude-y Beach. Yep, never thought I would do it, but I didn't know anyone. Why not? When in Rome? No, that doesn't mean eat pizza Kevin, settle down, it means you strip down when they strip down. It felt liberating. No worries about "Oh my God, what will that person think of me?", because we were some of the youngest people on the nude beach. Why? Old people like to lose their clothes in public. Seventy five percent of the people were AARP card members, but they didn't have a place to hold their cards. Apparently, all those years working in an office, suited up, resulted in them spending their vacations at a nude resort. The weirdest experience??? Waiting in line with a bunch of old, nude people, them telling each other how great it feels to be nude, how weird it is to see each other in clothes at dinner time, and when they hug each other, nude. I definitely would not go that far. And, we brought home a souvenir...Kristen buying a tank top that says, "Happiness in life is no tan lines." It's her favorite shirt now.
All in all, a great cruise. We're happy to be back with our puppies. We missed them tremendously. And we're happy to be back to wearing clothes full time. At least one of us is.
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