There's No Business Like Show Business

Ten days ago, I was a cruise virgin.

And, when people find that out, everyone who is "experienced", mentions what they like about a cruise.  Mostly, they talk about the food.  How much there is, how good it is, etc.

No one told me about the entertainment, and I'll remember that, much more than anything else on the boat.

One note of reference, never call it a boat to anyone who works and lives on there. And, live they do.

Stay with me as I go onto another tangent...there are over 1200 crew members who call the ship their home.  And I was very jealous up until the last twenty four hours when I was in, "Get Me The Hell Off The Boat" mode.

These crew members sign on for six or nine month contracts.  They work everyday, no off days.  They range from cleaning the rooms, serving the food, doling out the drinks, working at the front desk, making sure the ship doesn't tip over, you know basic stuff.  I thought it was the coolest thing because they get to see the world.  On our excursion alone, we saw the Bahamas, St. Maarten, St. Thomas and Turks and Caicos.  We were the last Caribbean tour of the season.  After they dropped us off Sunday morning, they left a few hours later, with a fresh 1500 Cruisers to Europe.  Six straight days at sea as they sailed towards Barcelona.  I was extremely jealous.

Yet, every time I saw a staff member and told him how jealous I was they get to see the world, they gave me this smirk look like, "If you see what's going on behind the curtain, you won't be so jealous."  We all have seen that look.  Whether it be when a six year old sits on Santa's lap at the mall and realizes this jovial, bearded one gets to go to the North Pole with his elves and reindeer (Reality: He just took a shot of whiskey as he strolled out of his car to heat up because the car heater didn't work, and this is his third job, trying to make ends meet, if he would only give up the alcohol)...OR...the Happy Magic Kingdom workers I see on a regular basis, singing and dancing on The Main Street Parade (Reality: it's their fourteenth such parade that week, their knees are banged up, their feet have callouses and they each have to massage each other's faces afterward to get the Disney mandated smile off, because their cheeks are stuck).

So, after I told the 15th Ruby Princess Cruise worker I was jealous they get to sail around the world, and I got the same grin, I thought, "You know what? I'll keep my Florida life."  Besides, I wouldn't be able to take the puppies with me on board and oh yeah, there's NO WAY Kristen would go for it.  However, the way Kristen acted the last night of the cruise, you never know.

But, before we get to that, back to the entertainment...each night there was a show in the theater, whether it was a Magic Show, or a Broadway inspired show, or a show where different cruise workers got on stage for a talent show.

Something like this...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sFsV6T3s4fI

Then, there were movies...EVERYWHERE, and I loved it.

You could sit on the top level of the boat...DAMN...ship, with more food (Shocking!!!) and watch a movie that just hit rental, like Moneyball, or Iron Lady, or Pirates of the Caribbean 4 (which still scares my wife somehow, she's a grown woman, yet still scared of Pirates, her movie zone is Rom Coms.

(Trailer voice): "In a world where 24 year old women have trouble meeting men, only to find out they take their work too seriously, and once they dial it back, all of a sudden Zac Effron or Ryan Reynolds or Patrick Dempsey show up, take them on ridiculous, unrealistic dates, involving water falls, hot air balloons and carriage rides and all you men are now held to this standard, culminating in a scene where they passionately make out in the rain and they fall in love and The End")

Really Hollywood?!?   Really???

Can we mix it up with, cue Trailer Voice...

(Trailer Voice): "(cough cough) In a world where 24 year old women have trouble meeting men, only to find out they take work too seriously, and once they dial it back, all of a sudden Zac Effron or Ryan Reynolds or Patrick Dempsey show up, take them to Chili's, only to find out the wait is an hour and a half, so they hit a Chic Fil A drive thru, only to be told their Waffle Fries are going to take an extra five minutes and please pull forward to wait, they do, eventually eat their fries in the car, drip Polynesian Sauce on their shirts, and cut the date short because their heart burn is acting up.)

Yeah, women Zac, Ryan and Patrick don't look too sexy now, do they?

Wait, they do?

DAMN!

Other forms of entertainment were The Casino (the most unfriendly dealers ever, worse than Vegas, I felt like I was a part of a legal Mob hit), Bingo (unrealistic prices but huge jackpot, we didn't win, the odds are really bad, I'm bitter I didn't realize this earlier) and Mark Cornish.

Mark Cornish is Kristen's new gay Crush.  I have to say gay Crush, because if I just say Crush, and not explain it, people might think less of her.  But, damn, she was pretty smitten for some Mark Cornish.

Here's some YouTube footage I've found (which will immediately excite Kristen):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-h1F-tGeoEI

Or his facebook page...which I don't think she's found yet.

https://www.facebook.com/markcornish

He's basically the life of the party.  And by this time, Kristen would have already "liked", "friended" and "messaged" Mark.

Every time she saw him, it was... "HI MARK!!!!"

"Look at Mark, he's so great!!!"

"Isn't he the funniest?" "Honey, he's collecting Bingo cards" "But, look how well he does it....HI MARK!!!!!"

And, finally the last night of the cruise.   It was a doozy for Kristen and she was sober.

Throughout the week we played a lot of trivia games and we were always Top 5, but never in first. The last game was called Quest.  We didn't know what we were getting ourselves into.  If I knew, I would have brought a helmet and shoulder pads.

They would call for an item and you had to find the item and run it up to a cruise member.  There were 20 teams, and a whole lot of items.  The first two teams to get to the cruise member got five points.  Everyone else got one point.  The allure was we didn't know what we were playing for.  A trip....free drinks...free casino chips to be brought back to the mean dealers only to be taken away ten minutes later without even a "Thank You for playing", but more a tone of "You Wanna Piece Of Me?"

Anyways, getting back to Quest, the items were random.  Some were easy.  Like bringing up a menu or a Ruby Princess newsletter.  Others were, let's just say, they speak for themselves...

ITEM #8: BRING UP ONE MAN WHO IS WEARING TWO BRAS...

Kristen rips off her bra, and hounds another woman for her bra and ten seconds later, I'm rushed up to the front wearing a bra, and I have another on my head.  And then we have to stay up there to be interviewed.

ITEM #11: WE WANT TWO LADIES WEARING A PAIR OF MAN'S PANTS...

Kristen is YELLING at me to take off my shorts (they qualified as pants apparently, she didn't give me much time to figure something else out), yanks another woman up to the stage and she's, let's say STRONGLY VERBALLY ENCOURAGING her to put the shorts on with her...And of course, the cruise members tell them to leave the pants up there for all the guys to have to retrieve afterwards...in their boxers.

ITEM #15: BRING UP A WOMAN WEARING A MAN'S SHIRT

Seriously?!?!?!  What's the obsession with men's clothing here???  Kristen zooms up there like my shirt was on fire and she was going for an extinguisher.  And of course, they slowly stroll back afterwards to give us our shirts.  I didn't see the same HUSTLE returning the clothes, ladies!

ITEM #17 ("When is this game going to end?"): BRING UP A MAN WEARING WOMEN'S SHOES

Kristen yells GET UP THERE BUT DON'T RUIN MY SHOES THEY'RE NICE!!!!

ITEM #19: BRING UP A WOMAN WEARING A MAN'S TIE

I wasn't wearing one.  Kristen runs...RUNS...around yelling at complete strangers, GIVE ME YOUR TIE...GIVE ME YOUR TIE...then when getting it, SPRINTS towards the cruise member wearing the tie.

It was The Wrath Of Kristen.  I desperately wish I had a video camera.  It would have been a great sociological experiment, because it wasn't just Kristen RUNNING towards the cruise workers.  It was all the women.  All of them, elbowing each other, YELLING at their unexpecting husbands.  It was like watching the video of women rushing after the one day discounted wedding dresses.  I saw a grown woman, RUNNING, then falling face first onto the floor trying to turn in her item.  And, yet she bounces right back up.  If that was at work, she would have been filing for workman's comp, and work would have already sent flowers, pleading for her not to sue.

It was insane.  This is why Scavenger Hunts are usually for kids.  Adult Scavenger Hunt is CRRRRAAAAAZZZZZYYYYYY!!!!!!

At the end of it, we won.  I mean, Kristen won.  Even though we were a team of four, she was THE RING LEADER!!!!

You know what we won?

A water bottle.

But it was DAMN WORTH IT!!!, if you ask her.

She was on an adrenaline high for two hours afterwards.  The only things I could get her to say was, with a sweaty, ear to ear grin...

10:07 pm "I can't believe I won"

10:15 pm "That was so much fun"

10:31 pm "My Dad would be so proud of me"

11:02 pm "I crushed all of them. I mean 64 points, we must have come in first or second (again, out of 20 teams), about ten times."

11:12 pm "I Dominated" (I made that up, but she was thinking it)

11: 24 pm "Quest is my B$%$%" (Made that up to, but she was thinking that as well, she had Crazy Eyes going)

11:35 pm (Looking at another 74 year old woman going up for her nightly 11pm Buffet Feeding): "You Want A Piece Of This?"

And yet, we're going to have to put The Water Bottle in our will.  And that was the highlight of the trip.

Lesson to be learned, you do not...DO NOT...mess with a woman when a competition is going down...even if none of them know what they are competing FOR...they know who they are competing AGAINST and a woman does not want to lose to another woman.

That's why The Bachelor show is so popular.