There's No Business Like Show Business

Ten days ago, I was a cruise virgin.

And, when people find that out, everyone who is "experienced", mentions what they like about a cruise.  Mostly, they talk about the food.  How much there is, how good it is, etc.

No one told me about the entertainment, and I'll remember that, much more than anything else on the boat.

One note of reference, never call it a boat to anyone who works and lives on there. And, live they do.

Stay with me as I go onto another tangent...there are over 1200 crew members who call the ship their home.  And I was very jealous up until the last twenty four hours when I was in, "Get Me The Hell Off The Boat" mode.

These crew members sign on for six or nine month contracts.  They work everyday, no off days.  They range from cleaning the rooms, serving the food, doling out the drinks, working at the front desk, making sure the ship doesn't tip over, you know basic stuff.  I thought it was the coolest thing because they get to see the world.  On our excursion alone, we saw the Bahamas, St. Maarten, St. Thomas and Turks and Caicos.  We were the last Caribbean tour of the season.  After they dropped us off Sunday morning, they left a few hours later, with a fresh 1500 Cruisers to Europe.  Six straight days at sea as they sailed towards Barcelona.  I was extremely jealous.

Yet, every time I saw a staff member and told him how jealous I was they get to see the world, they gave me this smirk look like, "If you see what's going on behind the curtain, you won't be so jealous."  We all have seen that look.  Whether it be when a six year old sits on Santa's lap at the mall and realizes this jovial, bearded one gets to go to the North Pole with his elves and reindeer (Reality: He just took a shot of whiskey as he strolled out of his car to heat up because the car heater didn't work, and this is his third job, trying to make ends meet, if he would only give up the alcohol)...OR...the Happy Magic Kingdom workers I see on a regular basis, singing and dancing on The Main Street Parade (Reality: it's their fourteenth such parade that week, their knees are banged up, their feet have callouses and they each have to massage each other's faces afterward to get the Disney mandated smile off, because their cheeks are stuck).

So, after I told the 15th Ruby Princess Cruise worker I was jealous they get to sail around the world, and I got the same grin, I thought, "You know what? I'll keep my Florida life."  Besides, I wouldn't be able to take the puppies with me on board and oh yeah, there's NO WAY Kristen would go for it.  However, the way Kristen acted the last night of the cruise, you never know.

But, before we get to that, back to the entertainment...each night there was a show in the theater, whether it was a Magic Show, or a Broadway inspired show, or a show where different cruise workers got on stage for a talent show.

Something like this...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sFsV6T3s4fI

Then, there were movies...EVERYWHERE, and I loved it.

You could sit on the top level of the boat...DAMN...ship, with more food (Shocking!!!) and watch a movie that just hit rental, like Moneyball, or Iron Lady, or Pirates of the Caribbean 4 (which still scares my wife somehow, she's a grown woman, yet still scared of Pirates, her movie zone is Rom Coms.

(Trailer voice): "In a world where 24 year old women have trouble meeting men, only to find out they take their work too seriously, and once they dial it back, all of a sudden Zac Effron or Ryan Reynolds or Patrick Dempsey show up, take them on ridiculous, unrealistic dates, involving water falls, hot air balloons and carriage rides and all you men are now held to this standard, culminating in a scene where they passionately make out in the rain and they fall in love and The End")

Really Hollywood?!?   Really???

Can we mix it up with, cue Trailer Voice...

(Trailer Voice): "(cough cough) In a world where 24 year old women have trouble meeting men, only to find out they take work too seriously, and once they dial it back, all of a sudden Zac Effron or Ryan Reynolds or Patrick Dempsey show up, take them to Chili's, only to find out the wait is an hour and a half, so they hit a Chic Fil A drive thru, only to be told their Waffle Fries are going to take an extra five minutes and please pull forward to wait, they do, eventually eat their fries in the car, drip Polynesian Sauce on their shirts, and cut the date short because their heart burn is acting up.)

Yeah, women Zac, Ryan and Patrick don't look too sexy now, do they?

Wait, they do?

DAMN!

Other forms of entertainment were The Casino (the most unfriendly dealers ever, worse than Vegas, I felt like I was a part of a legal Mob hit), Bingo (unrealistic prices but huge jackpot, we didn't win, the odds are really bad, I'm bitter I didn't realize this earlier) and Mark Cornish.

Mark Cornish is Kristen's new gay Crush.  I have to say gay Crush, because if I just say Crush, and not explain it, people might think less of her.  But, damn, she was pretty smitten for some Mark Cornish.

Here's some YouTube footage I've found (which will immediately excite Kristen):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-h1F-tGeoEI

Or his facebook page...which I don't think she's found yet.

https://www.facebook.com/markcornish

He's basically the life of the party.  And by this time, Kristen would have already "liked", "friended" and "messaged" Mark.

Every time she saw him, it was... "HI MARK!!!!"

"Look at Mark, he's so great!!!"

"Isn't he the funniest?" "Honey, he's collecting Bingo cards" "But, look how well he does it....HI MARK!!!!!"

And, finally the last night of the cruise.   It was a doozy for Kristen and she was sober.

Throughout the week we played a lot of trivia games and we were always Top 5, but never in first. The last game was called Quest.  We didn't know what we were getting ourselves into.  If I knew, I would have brought a helmet and shoulder pads.

They would call for an item and you had to find the item and run it up to a cruise member.  There were 20 teams, and a whole lot of items.  The first two teams to get to the cruise member got five points.  Everyone else got one point.  The allure was we didn't know what we were playing for.  A trip....free drinks...free casino chips to be brought back to the mean dealers only to be taken away ten minutes later without even a "Thank You for playing", but more a tone of "You Wanna Piece Of Me?"

Anyways, getting back to Quest, the items were random.  Some were easy.  Like bringing up a menu or a Ruby Princess newsletter.  Others were, let's just say, they speak for themselves...

ITEM #8: BRING UP ONE MAN WHO IS WEARING TWO BRAS...

Kristen rips off her bra, and hounds another woman for her bra and ten seconds later, I'm rushed up to the front wearing a bra, and I have another on my head.  And then we have to stay up there to be interviewed.

ITEM #11: WE WANT TWO LADIES WEARING A PAIR OF MAN'S PANTS...

Kristen is YELLING at me to take off my shorts (they qualified as pants apparently, she didn't give me much time to figure something else out), yanks another woman up to the stage and she's, let's say STRONGLY VERBALLY ENCOURAGING her to put the shorts on with her...And of course, the cruise members tell them to leave the pants up there for all the guys to have to retrieve afterwards...in their boxers.

ITEM #15: BRING UP A WOMAN WEARING A MAN'S SHIRT

Seriously?!?!?!  What's the obsession with men's clothing here???  Kristen zooms up there like my shirt was on fire and she was going for an extinguisher.  And of course, they slowly stroll back afterwards to give us our shirts.  I didn't see the same HUSTLE returning the clothes, ladies!

ITEM #17 ("When is this game going to end?"): BRING UP A MAN WEARING WOMEN'S SHOES

Kristen yells GET UP THERE BUT DON'T RUIN MY SHOES THEY'RE NICE!!!!

ITEM #19: BRING UP A WOMAN WEARING A MAN'S TIE

I wasn't wearing one.  Kristen runs...RUNS...around yelling at complete strangers, GIVE ME YOUR TIE...GIVE ME YOUR TIE...then when getting it, SPRINTS towards the cruise member wearing the tie.

It was The Wrath Of Kristen.  I desperately wish I had a video camera.  It would have been a great sociological experiment, because it wasn't just Kristen RUNNING towards the cruise workers.  It was all the women.  All of them, elbowing each other, YELLING at their unexpecting husbands.  It was like watching the video of women rushing after the one day discounted wedding dresses.  I saw a grown woman, RUNNING, then falling face first onto the floor trying to turn in her item.  And, yet she bounces right back up.  If that was at work, she would have been filing for workman's comp, and work would have already sent flowers, pleading for her not to sue.

It was insane.  This is why Scavenger Hunts are usually for kids.  Adult Scavenger Hunt is CRRRRAAAAAZZZZZYYYYYY!!!!!!

At the end of it, we won.  I mean, Kristen won.  Even though we were a team of four, she was THE RING LEADER!!!!

You know what we won?

A water bottle.

But it was DAMN WORTH IT!!!, if you ask her.

She was on an adrenaline high for two hours afterwards.  The only things I could get her to say was, with a sweaty, ear to ear grin...

10:07 pm "I can't believe I won"

10:15 pm "That was so much fun"

10:31 pm "My Dad would be so proud of me"

11:02 pm "I crushed all of them. I mean 64 points, we must have come in first or second (again, out of 20 teams), about ten times."

11:12 pm "I Dominated" (I made that up, but she was thinking it)

11: 24 pm "Quest is my B$%$%" (Made that up to, but she was thinking that as well, she had Crazy Eyes going)

11:35 pm (Looking at another 74 year old woman going up for her nightly 11pm Buffet Feeding): "You Want A Piece Of This?"

And yet, we're going to have to put The Water Bottle in our will.  And that was the highlight of the trip.

Lesson to be learned, you do not...DO NOT...mess with a woman when a competition is going down...even if none of them know what they are competing FOR...they know who they are competing AGAINST and a woman does not want to lose to another woman.

That's why The Bachelor show is so popular.

We've Seen The World...Kind Of

Kristen and I are back from our cruise and there is so much to talk about... First things first... For those who are wondering if The Streak is alive after my first dip into the Cruise Industry, and the possibilities of sea sickness, the results are in and The Streak persevered. Last month, The Streak had it's Sweet Sixteen party. There was a cake involved. But it wasn't one of those Sweet Sixteen parties you see on MTV where the Dad throws a $500,000 party for his daughter and all of her friends, and P Diddy shows up and presents her with a Lamborghini, blah blah blah. No this was a modest party. A self reflective, look in the mirror, "Brian, good job, you haven't yacked in 16 years...how about we go another 16?" Head nod, exit bathroom, and we move forward. The Cruise didn't get me down. And for the foreseeable future, the skies look clear, and it looks like we will have a smooth ride. And, if we back up a little further, I'd like to take a minute to talk about something on the way down to the port. I was driving and my buddy Wiedy was texting me. Since I don't text and drive, Kristen took the digits and started pounding away. Yet, she didn't say it was her. Here is what transpired... Allegdly Me, Really Kristen: "So, what's the prom situation at the Ebersol House...do you know?" (something I would never ask, but since she's a girl, girls have to exhume feelings out of EVERYTHING!!!) Wiedy: "Jake The Mistake" Me (again NOT ME!!): "NO!!!!!! Oh gosh...bad news!!!" (who talks like this?) I could go on and on, but let's just say the words "bummer", "awww" and "Yay!!!" were used. This should be a crime. It's identity theft. Spousal textal identify theft. When your spouse takes your phone, texts your buddies as yourself, because you are pre-occupied like driving, eating, or in the shower, and doesn't tell them. It's s-t-i-t. This should not be allowed. Us, men need to take a stand and say no more. What's next? They take the remote away from us to watch... Oh, this gets me going to a whole different level. If we go back even further, I'm going to discuss what a typical Monday night is at the Bachman household. Do you know Kristen has the tv viewership habits of a 15 year old girl? Monday night is littered with "Make it or Break it" (an ABC Family show about teenage girls vying for a spot on the Olympic gymnastics team, Kristen has been watching the show the entire time, SOMEHOW the show is in it's third season, she gets so EXCITED every time they renew), followed by "Gossip Girl" (I don't even know how to describe this show other than to say it's just for teenage girls, and some guy who talks in a whisper and girls think it's sexy), followed by "Smash" (a show about young 20 something girls going for the lead in a Broadway show, yet one girl is sleeping with the director and she's a hoebag, and it looks like she's regretting it, and I really need to re-evaulate my life at this point). I had the unfortunate incident of watching these shows with her one Monday. That will be the last Monday. When she started her third show, I said, "Enough, I'm going to bed. I can't take this anymore." Did nothing to her. She kept watching. I don't know if she's regressing, but if she is, then I get to watch WWE again. I went when I was little. I should get that back. And watch three hours of it. In the TV Room. Every Monday! YEAH! (Don't think that's going to happen) Back to the cruise, my first cruise. We were gone seven days. And here's a recap... There is a lot of food on a cruise ship. I mean a LOT! Countless, anytime you want it, hamburgers and french fries, alcoholic drinks, ice cream, pizza. And that's just the stuff on the side. The main stuff is the buffets all the time. We were eating at 11pm. Why??? Because you could!!! Of course, the waist line suffered for me. But, when will I get a chance to eat that much? I ate probably a dozen slices of pizza, hamburg, couple pounds of fries, only a couple scoops of ice cream, roast beef, rice, Caesar salad, soup, crackers, paella, vegetables, bread, fried peanut butter sandwiches, fried zucchini, and about forty other dishes. I'm not kidding. There wasn't a time I wasn't hungry. I was either full or half full. When my tank went half, I loaded up again. Wanted to make sure my engine kept running. My brother would have loved it. He is competing with my buddy Tim as the "Guy Who Could Eat Anything If It Was Put In Front Of Him, It Wasn't Nailed Down, And It Didn't Include Dairy" (for my dairy allergic friend Tim). If you put Cornish Hen in front of either of these guys, they would eat a pound of it, before they even asked what it was. They would say, "Hey, it looks like Chicken, let's go!!!" It's how they roll. Moving on from the food, we stopped in the Bahamas, then down to St. Maarten for a trip on a Nude-y Beach, then to St. Thomas for some snorkeling, followed up with a stop on Turks and Caicos, and then, oh yeah, I mentioned a Nude-y Beach. Yep, never thought I would do it, but I didn't know anyone. Why not? When in Rome? No, that doesn't mean eat pizza Kevin, settle down, it means you strip down when they strip down. It felt liberating. No worries about "Oh my God, what will that person think of me?", because we were some of the youngest people on the nude beach. Why? Old people like to lose their clothes in public. Seventy five percent of the people were AARP card members, but they didn't have a place to hold their cards. Apparently, all those years working in an office, suited up, resulted in them spending their vacations at a nude resort. The weirdest experience??? Waiting in line with a bunch of old, nude people, them telling each other how great it feels to be nude, how weird it is to see each other in clothes at dinner time, and when they hug each other, nude. I definitely would not go that far. And, we brought home a souvenir...Kristen buying a tank top that says, "Happiness in life is no tan lines." It's her favorite shirt now. All in all, a great cruise. We're happy to be back with our puppies. We missed them tremendously. And we're happy to be back to wearing clothes full time. At least one of us is.