A message to all...we're catching up!

Last week was a big step in our relationship.

For years, Kristen and I have been fighting the urge to be common folk. Going against everyone else's desire and their tenacity to be so informed with what's going on. As if it's SO IMPORTANT to have to know the second something happens with the stock market, Lindsay Lohan or the score of the big game (there's always a big game, so icksnay that). In any case, we've been going against the grain.

Until now...

Ladies and Gentlemen, I'd like to introduce you to Kristen Cumming AND Brian Bachman...

New Owners Of...

The iPhone 4. (Thank you...thank you...you're too kind...I'd like to thank the Academy for making this possible, I'd like to thank God for all His hard work in this area, and I'd like to thank...what honey? No, that's not important. Alright, I'll tell them).

We're technically NOT (using air quotes) complete owners of the iPhone 4.

About eight days ago, or as Kristen would tell you, 8 days, 2 hours and 17 minutes ago, we bought the iPhone 4.

Except for the fact that nearly everyone older than the age of seven, bought the iPhone 4 the week it came out (something like 221 million people, give or take). Apple is still making the phones, yet they, along with AT&T, have no problem taking our money, while we wait for them to make more. When we asked how long it'll take for them to come in, the AT&T guy told us...

"It'll only take a week to get here. We get shipments all the time. I haven't seen it take longer than a week."

About two seconds after we walk out of the store after purchasing our new BFF's, I MEAN, our new phones, (which neither of us will obsess over at all, we will continue to stare lovingly into each other's eyes at restaurants, while everyone else sits next to each other glued face down into their phones), Kristen hops up and down..."WE'RE GETTING IPHONES...WE'RE GETTING IPHONES." Remember that eye staring...loving...we're the only ones that matter to each other thing I was just telling you about...I think every time Kristen hopped, society was slapping common sense into me.

They told us they'd call and email when our bad boys are coming to a new home.

We're not going to take faith in that.

Monday, Kristen calls them, still haven't shipped.

Tuesday, Kristen calls, still haven't shipped.

Wednesday, Kristen picks up the phone, and places a phone call to AT&T. At this point, our guy could probably recognize Kristen's voice, and the two are getting so comfortable, it wouldn't surprise me if he asked how Tucker was doing. Guess what??? Still haven't shipped.

Thursday, Kristen, AT&T...hi, have we met before...Survey Says...(buzzer sounding) STILL HAVEN'T SHIPPED.

Friday,

Kristen: "Honey, can you please call them and ask about our iPhones? They're onto me, and I think they're getting annoyed."

Me: "Sure, love of my life, sweet angel, dream of my dreams. Anything for you." (I talk like that to her all the time)

Pinocchio: "Hey, I want my nose back?"

AT&T: "This is AT&T, how can we tell you in so many ways we don't have a new shipment of iPhones in?"

Me: "Well, let's find out. Do you have our new iPhones in yet?"

Them: "Let me check...(puts phone call on hold)...Hey, Roger, can you believe these idiots? (laughing) Don't they know one week, really means October? Which excuse do you want me to use on these saps? (picks excuse out of hat) It gave me, dog ate your iPhone package? (picks up phone). Sorry, Sir, they still haven't shipped?"

Me: "Can you tell me if UPS and FedEx have arrived today? Oh, they haven't, can you tell me..."

Them: (Interrupting) "We'll call you and email you when they arrive."

You think that's going to deter us?

Two hours later...

Kristen calls, because the packages haven't arrived today. No movement.

Today, phone call to AT&T + our hopes of becoming technologically relevant = no iPhone.

So, that's where we're at.

Kristen couldn't be more excited. She'll have everything at her fingertip. Facebook, the constant updates (the whole thing confuses me), her email, her gossip sites (or at least I assume, she always knows everything happening, well before me). This is the beginning of a Kristen I'm a little frightened to witness; if her constant Verizon bill showing her AT&T calls is proof. But, I know she'll rock an iPhone like no other. In a couple hours, she'll have gone over, around and through the complexities that is a new device. She'll be spinning sites faster than a nine year old texting her BFF's, all the while Kristen will flash a gang sign as she passes them, yelling "BAM!!!"

For me, I've never had Internet on a phone. Probably because I'm worried that it would be so complicated to me, I'd have trouble getting off the main Internet page that would eventually flash, "Please move forward, there's so much more to see."

As I go all day without my email, I'm content. Anything that happens, I'll hear about eventually. But, when I do sit down in front of a computer, I could spend hours on fantasy baseball, Dave Matthews sites or reading anything and everything. The power of "If you put it in front of me, it must be good." Getting an iPhone won't clutter my everyday existence. Yeah right.

Did I tell you, I love iTunes, and my iPod? There's so much I could do with this new phone, but I'll take it slow...no I won't. I'll baby step my way into your world. The iPhone world; think again.

I'll have to, because unless I hire one of the seven year olds to show me how to use the thing, for the first month, all I'll be able to do is dial out. But, at least I'll keep trying.

Here we come world...watch out!

A New Chapter

So, I'm going back to work today. I haven't been there in a week and a half. In my life, this is the longest I've ever been out of work, sick. Nine days ago, I injured my back and had to go to the Emergency Room, and was "couch ridden" for five straight days. Didn't do much, other than flip the channels on the remote control, take painkillers, play on the computer, and heat my back.

I learned some things about myself over the past week and a half...

1) You think you'd enjoy a lot of time off from work. Not so much. No human interaction during the day makes it lonely at times. Tucker and I became best friends.

2) It's possible to actually beat the Internet. Sometime last Wednesday afternoon, I was scrolling through some websites, and a message came up that said, "Congratulations Brian, you've now reached the end of the Internet. Please go outside and enjoy the sunshine, you lazy piece of $%$@$".

3) I learned the Internet has a potty mouth.

4) I finished two books.

5) It could have been more if I didn't sleep 22 hours in a 28 hour period.

6) Painkillers make you sleepy.

7) And spaced out. I didn't drive for the first five days, because as the Doctor said, "Don't drive while you're on this (particular) painkiller (which I'm now off of), you'll get arrested for a DUI."

8) Who knew that doctors prescribed vodka and codeine as a prescription drug? That's weird.

9) Most importantly, I didn't realize how much I would miss exercising. I miss running on the treadmill, and yes, I miss you too, Tony from P90X. I'm not sure when I'm getting back to you, because you really emphasize the back in certain stretches, but I'd love to get back to a treadmill in due time. Slowly, walking. Then, maybe a mile one day. If all goes well, two miles another day. Do I need to pick a fight with my brother, just so my parents can threaten to take me back to the YMCA, again? I'll do it, if that's what it takes.

All in all, I'm glad to go back to work, today. Light duty for the time being, until my back gets closer to 100%. Hey, I'm just happy I can touch my knees again.

Be Careful What You Wish For

Two and a half weeks ago, I made a commitment to myself to get in shape. At that time, we were T-minus 17 weeks until the wedding, and I wanted to lose some weight by..

a) Stop drinking beer

b) Eating healthier

c) Exercising

And that last one, I took very seriously. As I've mentioned before, Kristen and I started P90X, and let me tell you, that's a workout. You work your arms, legs, hips, back, even your tongue...for every time I yelled at Tony, "How About You Show Us What You're Going To Do Before You Do It Tony", or "My Body Doesn't Twist That Way TONY!!!", or the most popular, "I HATE YOU TONY!!!!!".

On some days, I would combine P90X with my running program. I joined the YMCA, mostly because if you want to run outside after 8am, you can actually hear your skin sizzle in the heat. Since I'm not a fan of a skin fillet, I became a Y person, and I love it.

I remember the days when I was younger and my older brother Kevin, would smooth out the kinks in the floor boards by using my head as his tool. My Grandma would call my mom saying something to the effect of, "Kevin's beating up on Brian again, Oh, he just broke his glasses again, Oh, now Brian's scratching him, again" (when you're three years younger, and slower, and fatter, you use whatever kind of leverage God gave you). My Mom would call us from work, crying, (we couldn't understand what she was saying underneath her sobs and our continued grappling) and the inevitable call from my Dad three minutes later, "You Boys Stop Fighting Right Now Or You're Going Back To The Y" (the Y at that time was a sweatshop of kids not playing, or having any fun activities whatsoever, and I believe at one time, they made us clean the kitchen).

The Y now is much different. I love it; probably because they don't force me to clean the kitchens anymore.

So, why am I telling you all this?

I've temporarily stopped P90-ing as well as running, and it's killing me. After two weeks, I finally felt thinner, and I was losing weight. And then, the irony of ironies came into my life.

The Chiropractor.

I've been shooting tv news for 10 years now, and I carry a lot of equipment and use my right shoulder as a "camera pad", while shooting sports, interviews, etc. Well, you can guess what my shoulders/neck/back looks like. It's not pretty, but it's mine, and I'm proud of them.

However, X-rays and other technological instruments would tell you differently. And that's why we hate those instruments. They tell us things of reality, while I enjoy living in quasi-reality. Tell me just enough to not change my perception, that's all I need out of life.

Last Wednesday, I went into the chiro for a meet and greet. He flipped me over onto my stomach, as if I was his personal pancake, so he could poke around my back. That lasted one minute. He's pushing on my back near my neck, shoulders, all over my back. It was a hit and run. The only thing we didn't have was a chalk outline of my body on that table.

An hour later, no joke, my lower back started hurting me. Mind you, earlier when I mentioned to them I had severe lower back pain two years ago, they admitted that they can't look at that area, because a spinal scan doesn't go down the spine that far, AND they admitted that any pushing on a certain part of the back could exacerbate that area. Guess what happened? Ding...Ding...DING....you exacerbated the area.

Next day, back hurt worse, but I got through. Two days later, back more stiff, more hurt. Three days later, back much better. Great...exacerbation over!

I started running again. It was three days since my last run, and I needed it. Started out real well. Running on a treadmill = Hamster on a wheel. Keep running, never going anywhere, death stare on the time, and distance in front of you. One foot after another after another after another...

I ran three miles, wanted another, but I felt my back hurting a bit more. I do the smart thing, and stop.

Wobble into the locker room...I can't touch my knees. I can't bend over. Try to stretch it out. Exacerbation!

Slowly walk to my car, flop in, that's the easy part. Anyone show you how to flop out of a car. It doesn't happen. With ten half inch moves, I slowly get out of the car by almost rolling my stomach onto the ground, and wobble my way into Kristen's apartment.

Kristen: "How was the gym?"

Me: "OK"

Kristen: "What's wrong?"

Me: "I hurt my back."

Kristen: "I'm so sorry honey, can I get you anything?"

Me: (slowly climbing upstairs) "Yeah, a new back."

I shower slowly, change, go back downstairs, do the smart thing, ice, medicine, drink, more ice, more medicine, and after five hours, time to go to bed. I can't move. Back completely locked up. Kristen wants me to go upstairs. Heck, my goal is to get up off the couch. Upstairs would have been me climbing Everest at that point. All I needed was a sherpa to help me find my way. The couch was my quicksand. I'm rolling off the couch, but haven't figured out when I hit the floor, how am I going to get off the floor? Uh oh, bigger problem. It took me five minutes to get off the couch and reach the stairs ten feet away. You know how I got up? Kristen lifted me up. If Kristen wasn't in my life, I'd still be on the couch.

Kristen: "I think we should call your Mom"

Me: "I don't want to worry her."

Kristen: "I think we should go to the emergency room."

Me: "I can't afford the ER"

Kristen: "Honey, you might not be able to get out of bed tomorrow. I think we need to go to the ER."

Me: (still in slow motion trying to move my feet towards the stairs the way our older, no let's say "Seasoned Generation" moves into the Rec Room for Bingo Night): "You're probably right. Let's go."

Spent three hours in the emergency room. They gave me painkillers (didn't work). Got three more bottles of painkillers from the 24 hour pharmacy. I thought I'd be good to go. Probably get one day off from work, and I'll be back.

Yeah, that didn't happen.

Called out of work on Monday. I can hear my Dad right now, 1500 miles away, "Unless you're in the hospital, you go to work. Now, stop writing your blog, and GET BACK TO WORK!"

I'm taking 10-12 pills of painkillers each day. You know what that does to you, besides take the edge off...puts you to sleep. In a 28 hour span, I slept 22 hours. When I work morning show, I don't get 22 hours of sleep in a week. I was the Bear hibernating in it's cave on Sunday. Poor Kristen. She could have moved the furniture around in the living room, with me laying on the couch, and I wouldn't have stirred. She could have lit fireworks in the house. Nothing. But, if she changed the channel...

Me: "(waking up as fast as humanly possible) "WHAT'S Going On? I was watching that."

Went to the orthopedist. He told me I had some inflammation in the back...you think. Gave me more painkillers. Good thing I don't get addicted to those things, because man, do they knock your socks off. Half my days, I'm a walking zombie. I went four days without driving my car, probably because everyone, including the mailboxes would have become a hood ornament on my Honda.

So, we're at Day Five now of "Couch Hibernation". And let me tell you...I thought it would have been great. Newsflash: It's not. I'd love to go back to work (if I could only bend down and touch my knees), I'd love to see people out in the world (yes, even those who constantly cut me off on I-4), and I'd love to be able to sit upright for more than half my day (so my legs don't have complete atrophy when this is over).

I've run out of tv shows to watch, I've finished a book, I've had the couch file a restraining order against me (we're working on a plea deal so it doesn't go to court, my lawyer tells me it's 50-50).

Anyone have any ideas how I can stay entertained during the day? The painkillers are working slowly (I am getting better though), but my boredom is on a Mach Three right now, gaining steam as the days drag on.

Again, I thought I would enjoy this. Not so much. Thankfully, I'm not seriously injured, but like I said, "Be Careful What You Wish For".

And for the record, I've halted P90 (no Mom, this wasn't caused by P90, I haven't P90'd two days before the Hit and Run), but not running, hurts my insides. I miss my Hamster Wheel.