With the wedding fast approaching, there are still many things left to be done.
Meeting with the DJ and telling him Kristen wants to play booty shaking music the entire night. DJ and I talking her down to only the last hour or so. Cue all her girlfriends booing me and telling me it's her wedding she should do whatever she wants. To which I respond, "If you want to see my 89 year old Granny on the dance floor, 'Back That Thing Up' is not the way to do it."
Regularly going to SweetbyHolly to make sure the cupcakes are still good, and we're set on our order. That's my excuse. Weak, but I'll use it.
And, finalizing the seating chart. A couple nights ago, Kristen and I sat down and did the seating chart. Whenever anyone at work asks me how the wedding plans are going, and I tell them they're going, and we're getting closer, they always say, "Yeah, that last month or so, you have to do a lot of things like a seating chart", and they never remind me to do anything else. Why is that? Am I incapable? No, Honey, stop nodding your head.
So, when we banged out the seating chart, (my new favorite word that Kristen hates), it was a new experience for me. Here we have all these people coming to the wedding, and we get to dictate where they sit, and who they sit with for an hour or so. No power trip, but it's cool to see all these different groups of people all in the same room. All my family from New York. My childhood and college friends. All Kristen's family, as well as the "Sisters". The "Sisters" are her aunts and uncles whom I still have to meet, and I've been practicing by quizzing myself..."OK, Honey, your Mom has three sisters, Leslie, Patty and Kathy, Leslie lives in Massachusetts, Patty lives in DC and Kathy lives in New Jersey...did I get that?" And because I can't remember, sorry Sisters, she'll tell me yes or no, and I'm still unsure. If you see black marker on my hand wedding day, it's her family tree I wrote down. It's my own little game show. Classic Concentration: Sisters Edition.
After a half hour or so of us (mostly Kristen) giving input on where people should sit, I said, "Hey, Honey, this is fun! This is like having another fantasy draft. We have names, we have spots, fill the name into the roster (aka the tables), and we're set." She couldn't have shown less interest in my fantasy idea at that time.
So, we've (Kristen) been tweaking the list (influences from outside sources, aka "Mothers") and we should have the chart banged out soon. We're happy with it for the most part. We got family with family. Friends with friends.
You know what we should have done...gone totally off base. Throw names into a hat and pick them out. Have everyone on one big conference call.
"OK, at Table 10, we have...drumroll please..."
Kristen: "Stop with the drumroll, I've been doing it for an HOUR!!!"
"Your brother Matthew and his date, Alexa with...my 79 year old Aunt Clara and Uncle Phil. Granted, you've never met..."
And we'll make a website with everyone's faces, with the tables, little bio information, so people are info-d up before the day. This could be like a big speed dating event, except with couples. Random people meeting other random people, sitting down with them, sharing them their current life story, for a short amount of time, (Matthew: "So, Aunt Clara, I read that you have enough canned foods in your basement (they live in New York, there are no basements in Florida, that's called a swamp) to live off for five years in case of a nuclear explosion. How is that going?" Then, after enough conversation and food SWITCH!!! Dancing Time!!!
OR, we could have an auction draft (yes, most things come back to fantasy sports related ideas, hey they were very smart people and it's a billion dollar industry).
Same idea, conference call...
"Alright, the first couple to go up...who wants to sit with us, Kristen and Brian, let's start the bidding at $25..."
Then, we bring in the auctioneer, who speaks 125 words a second and it's some garbled noise with a few numbers...
"WHOSEGOT25IHEAR25WHOWANTS2525252525DOIHEAR252525ANYONEAT2525252525..."
And just have him go all night. The bids would go like this..."(automated voice) DING 25 FROM BILL AND LINDA BACHMAN...DING 30 FROM GLEN AND SALLY CUMMING...", and so on.
Then when we're done, whoever wins that bid, say SUPERMOH (Kristen's Super Maid of Honor, Megan) we would have four at that table. We open up the bidding to fill out the table at eight. If some people like how a table is forming, more pressure to get in.
"WHOWANTSTOSITWITHBRIANKRISTENSUPERMOHANDHERHUSBANDEDLETSGOAT3535353535DOIHEAR353535GRANNYBREAKOUTYOURWALLETANDGIVEME353535COMEONPEOPLEITSTHEIRWEDDINGGOHARDORGOHOMEIWANT35353535".
Everyone would get involved. There would be smack talk on the phone in between friends and family.
"Whoa, you got Kristen's brother Michael for $15, that's a steal. He BRINGS THE FUN!!!"
If you didn't bid, you'd sit outside. That would be my rule, which would quickly get turned down by my Soon To Be Bride, so I'd have you sit in the corner at the Shunned Table.
"No, I can't do that, either. Kitchen? No...fine, I'll come up with something."
I think this is a fantastic idea! Cue all the guys excitedly nodding their heads.
Money goes to charity, aka Our Honeymoon Fund! No, I'm just kidding. It'd go to the Tucker's Dinner Fund! Who wouldn't want to support that? That would get Best Buddy bidding whatever amount, if it benefits Tuck :)
Unfortunately, I didn't think about this early enough. Well, I guess it's back to traditional style If you don't like it, which you should we're all lovely people, blame me for not thinking about names in hat or auction draft sooner. This is a whole untapped market that laughed at now, will someday come to fruition. I just hope by that time, we're not the uncool people bidding on the cool table trying to fit in.
All in all, it's a wedding, it'll be fun. And besides, you won't care who is at your table when Kristen cues the DJ to play Usher "MY GOD" and all her ladies get out on the dance floor.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Thursday, September 9, 2010
You Sure You Want To Do This?
Take that Italian Hammer! A two-fer.
For the past three days I've been under the weather...instead of over it??? I never understood what that meant. No worries, just minor stuff like coughing/sore throat/cold/allergies/sinuses, or as the Bachman brothers like to call it..."A Normal Thursday". Right now, the sinuses are my biggest battle...say hello to them, hopefully they're tiring out from dancing the Rumba on my face for the past six hours.
The over/under the amount of times my parents sneezed in 2009 was 5.5 Vegas put the odds at +120. They finished with 4. However, my brother and I are some of the most allergic people ever.
When you go to the allergist for the first time, they poke you with about 50 different things to see what bothers you. Kevin had so many, they thought something was wrong with the test and they made him DO IT OVER! When I went, I was allergic to about 40 of 50 things. So, I've been getting four allergy shots every week for about a year and a half. The nurses tell me that only about 1% of people get four allergy shots. Fantastic news! I'd like to be in the small minority of people when it concerns winning the lottery, not allergies.
Anyways, why do I tell you all this? Definitely not for pity. But I want to make sure Kristen knows what she's marrying into.
Last year, I went old school. Kristen was kind enough to get me a backpack because I would walk into work with about five things in my hand...food, drinks, phone (because my George Costanza wallet wouldn't allow anything in that pocket), books, iPod, etc. I would inevitably leave one thing around, somewhere, at least once a day. So, the backpack has worked for all my junk. However, recently, my backpack has turned into a drug store. Soon every time I open my backpack, it's going to ask me for my health insurance card.
The following is a list of things I've had in my backpack for at least a week...before I got sick...(with the exception of Sudafed)
Mucinex DM
Zantac 150
Bottle of Pepto Bismol
Bag of Halls Cough Drops
Bag of Walgreens Cough Drops
Box of Sudafed (stuff behind the counter, three times as strong as what the regular people folk get, aka, "The Wusses", and I couldn't have been more excited when I found that out today. Highlight of my day.)
Box of Tylenol Severe Sinus
Small Bottle of Vasoline (because I'm protesting Chap Stic and their evil ways)
This doesn't include the box of kleenex attached to my hip as if I'm packing.
I had no idea this was a problem until two days ago. I mean, my God, I'm a 65 year old man in a 31 year old body. As I said to a co-worker the other day, at this rate, I'm two years away from getting the standard "Plastic Box of Daily Elderly Pills". "Alright Brian, F means Friday, here are all your pills, take the blue one, then the green one, then the orange one..."
I've searched deeper into the backpack...
Two editions of Kiplinger's, a financial retirement magazine.
Oh boy!
Paperwork for a Blood Test...
Oh No!
A restaurant coupon...please don't say Early Bird, please don't say Early Bird
Yep, I'm definitely in my 50s, no doubt about that.
Alright, now this is embarrassing. Kristen: "NOW...SERIOUSLY, NOW YOU'RE EMBARRASSED, I WAS EMBARRASSED WHEN YOU STARTED TALKING ABOUT YOUR ALLERGIES AND NO ONE HAS TO CONSTANTLY HEAR YOU SNIFFLE...SNIFF...SNIFF...BLOW YOUR NOSE ALREADY!!!" (she took that last part from my Dad who always use to tell us to blow our nose). My reply should have been, "Dad, you have the same unused handkerchief in your pocket from the Reagan administration."
I bet Kristen gets at least four phone calls tonight from her girlfriends asking her if she's sure she wants to marry me. I really don't know what she's going to say. I just want to show her all my cards before she goes "All In".
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some medicine to take.
For the past three days I've been under the weather...instead of over it??? I never understood what that meant. No worries, just minor stuff like coughing/sore throat/cold/allergies/sinuses, or as the Bachman brothers like to call it..."A Normal Thursday". Right now, the sinuses are my biggest battle...say hello to them, hopefully they're tiring out from dancing the Rumba on my face for the past six hours.
The over/under the amount of times my parents sneezed in 2009 was 5.5 Vegas put the odds at +120. They finished with 4. However, my brother and I are some of the most allergic people ever.
When you go to the allergist for the first time, they poke you with about 50 different things to see what bothers you. Kevin had so many, they thought something was wrong with the test and they made him DO IT OVER! When I went, I was allergic to about 40 of 50 things. So, I've been getting four allergy shots every week for about a year and a half. The nurses tell me that only about 1% of people get four allergy shots. Fantastic news! I'd like to be in the small minority of people when it concerns winning the lottery, not allergies.
Anyways, why do I tell you all this? Definitely not for pity. But I want to make sure Kristen knows what she's marrying into.
Last year, I went old school. Kristen was kind enough to get me a backpack because I would walk into work with about five things in my hand...food, drinks, phone (because my George Costanza wallet wouldn't allow anything in that pocket), books, iPod, etc. I would inevitably leave one thing around, somewhere, at least once a day. So, the backpack has worked for all my junk. However, recently, my backpack has turned into a drug store. Soon every time I open my backpack, it's going to ask me for my health insurance card.
The following is a list of things I've had in my backpack for at least a week...before I got sick...(with the exception of Sudafed)
Mucinex DM
Zantac 150
Bottle of Pepto Bismol
Bag of Halls Cough Drops
Bag of Walgreens Cough Drops
Box of Sudafed (stuff behind the counter, three times as strong as what the regular people folk get, aka, "The Wusses", and I couldn't have been more excited when I found that out today. Highlight of my day.)
Box of Tylenol Severe Sinus
Small Bottle of Vasoline (because I'm protesting Chap Stic and their evil ways)
This doesn't include the box of kleenex attached to my hip as if I'm packing.
I had no idea this was a problem until two days ago. I mean, my God, I'm a 65 year old man in a 31 year old body. As I said to a co-worker the other day, at this rate, I'm two years away from getting the standard "Plastic Box of Daily Elderly Pills". "Alright Brian, F means Friday, here are all your pills, take the blue one, then the green one, then the orange one..."
I've searched deeper into the backpack...
Two editions of Kiplinger's, a financial retirement magazine.
Oh boy!
Paperwork for a Blood Test...
Oh No!
A restaurant coupon...please don't say Early Bird, please don't say Early Bird
Yep, I'm definitely in my 50s, no doubt about that.
Alright, now this is embarrassing. Kristen: "NOW...SERIOUSLY, NOW YOU'RE EMBARRASSED, I WAS EMBARRASSED WHEN YOU STARTED TALKING ABOUT YOUR ALLERGIES AND NO ONE HAS TO CONSTANTLY HEAR YOU SNIFFLE...SNIFF...SNIFF...BLOW YOUR NOSE ALREADY!!!" (she took that last part from my Dad who always use to tell us to blow our nose). My reply should have been, "Dad, you have the same unused handkerchief in your pocket from the Reagan administration."
I bet Kristen gets at least four phone calls tonight from her girlfriends asking her if she's sure she wants to marry me. I really don't know what she's going to say. I just want to show her all my cards before she goes "All In".
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some medicine to take.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
A House Divided
Yesterday, my mom said to me, "You know Brian...we haven't had a blog post in a REALLY long time." Nothing like getting called out by your mother. In an effort to stay in her good graces, I'd like to dedicate this post to the Italian Hammer, Mom this one is for you...
Recently, Kristen and I experienced a new level in our relationship.
We went to a Florida football game in the Swamp. This is a big deal for us, considering Kristen, during her tenure at Florida, spent many a days and nights watching Gator football romp over their competition.
And now, I get to see Kristen in all her Florida glory.
In one corner, you have her team, the Florida Gators, recently won two National Championships in the last four years, 60,000 students, they get all the good players (while graciously giving them new SUV's...NO...NO they don't I'm just kidding, of course) and in the other corner, my college, Miami of Ohio, cute, quaint school, 15,000 kids, the Ivy League School of the Midwest (they like to say..they = me).
And, I'm brought down to Earth when one of Kristen's bridesmaids, Kate Shugart calls it Ohio of Miami. Why??? Is Miami of Ohio such an outcast in the landscape of everything Miami? South Beach, land for Cuban exiles, Kourtney and Khloe, even where Lebron James brings his talents. Does no one know it's a school unless you live in Ohio? EVEN THOUGH it's a school that recently celebrated it's 200th Anniversary. EVEN THOUGH...Miami was a University (IN OHIO!!!) before Florida was a state. WHATEVER!!!
IT'S ON!!!
We'll show them!!!
Doesn't help when I ask Kristen if I'll get razzed (becoming my new favorite word, you should try it) for wearing my Miami shirt. She brushed it off as quickly as if I said, "aliens are outside your door, take a look." Her response: "NO...this isn't a real game anyways." And you know what, no one did razz me for wearing the opponent's gear. Ouch.
That's OK, we'll show them on the field.
ORRR...NOT!!!
Miami was up 3-0 at the end of the first quarter (thanks to Florida turnovers...cue Florida fan..."Turnovers, they looked like a Pop Warner team, fumbles, bad snaps, they sucked!) I was excited, but worried that the Florida alumni around me were going to kill me if Miami pulled the upset. Meanwhile, Kristen wasn't concerned. She was more focused on doing a Gator chomp and watching people in their fun Gator garb.
In the second quarter, all was right in Gatorland as they spewed out three touchdowns in the span of seven minutes. What didn't help was Miami failing a fake punt attempt on their own 20 yard line (never seen that before, don't want to again).
Florida wound up winning 34-12. Gators not happy with their team's performance. You gotta understand, Gator fans are National Championship or bust. They're obsessed with titles and SUV's as gifts...
NO!!!
JUST KIDDING!!
I swear if I keep making that insinuation, the mafia (aka the Florida Five they like to call themselves) will leave an actual gator on the hood of my car. If I make any negative reference to the One, aka Tim Tebow, this blog will somehow magically disappear.
So, for our first Gator football game together it went really well. Thanks to Florida winning, of course. I've seen Kristen when they lose, and that one time we found out they lost and we were at Disney World, let's just say all of us around were not having a Magical Experience at that point; won't make the Kristen Highlight Reel.
In case you're wondering...Kristen can have Florida football, and I get Syracuse basketball. Hopefully they'll be many more championships in the future.
I just realized...what gear are our kids going to wear? Oh...this is awkward...this will be a discussion.
I envision me coming in to the baby's room, slipping a bright Orange onesey onto Baby, giving Baby an Otto The Orange and sneaking back out. Only to find Kristen Crazy Eyes standing at the door with Kathy Bates' Misery look on her face wondering how I took Albert (The Florida Gator) out of the crib.
Oh, this will be awkward indeed. So, we should make a poll out of it...
When we have kids, do you want an Albert or an Otto? Albert for Florida, Otto for Syracuse.
I feel like we should have political advertisements for their campaigns.
(Shots of Otto kissing babies...shots of Albert playing in an oil spill...with a narrator saying, "Otto loves kids, and has helped make them wholehearted, loving human beings...while Albert has voted 57 times for drilling in the Gulf...who would you want running your Baby's crib?")
Aaahhhh...that should make the voting much easier.
I think I see the Five walking towards me now. Gotta go!
Recently, Kristen and I experienced a new level in our relationship.
We went to a Florida football game in the Swamp. This is a big deal for us, considering Kristen, during her tenure at Florida, spent many a days and nights watching Gator football romp over their competition.
And now, I get to see Kristen in all her Florida glory.
In one corner, you have her team, the Florida Gators, recently won two National Championships in the last four years, 60,000 students, they get all the good players (while graciously giving them new SUV's...NO...NO they don't I'm just kidding, of course) and in the other corner, my college, Miami of Ohio, cute, quaint school, 15,000 kids, the Ivy League School of the Midwest (they like to say..they = me).
And, I'm brought down to Earth when one of Kristen's bridesmaids, Kate Shugart calls it Ohio of Miami. Why??? Is Miami of Ohio such an outcast in the landscape of everything Miami? South Beach, land for Cuban exiles, Kourtney and Khloe, even where Lebron James brings his talents. Does no one know it's a school unless you live in Ohio? EVEN THOUGH it's a school that recently celebrated it's 200th Anniversary. EVEN THOUGH...Miami was a University (IN OHIO!!!) before Florida was a state. WHATEVER!!!
IT'S ON!!!
We'll show them!!!
Doesn't help when I ask Kristen if I'll get razzed (becoming my new favorite word, you should try it) for wearing my Miami shirt. She brushed it off as quickly as if I said, "aliens are outside your door, take a look." Her response: "NO...this isn't a real game anyways." And you know what, no one did razz me for wearing the opponent's gear. Ouch.
That's OK, we'll show them on the field.
ORRR...NOT!!!
Miami was up 3-0 at the end of the first quarter (thanks to Florida turnovers...cue Florida fan..."Turnovers, they looked like a Pop Warner team, fumbles, bad snaps, they sucked!) I was excited, but worried that the Florida alumni around me were going to kill me if Miami pulled the upset. Meanwhile, Kristen wasn't concerned. She was more focused on doing a Gator chomp and watching people in their fun Gator garb.
In the second quarter, all was right in Gatorland as they spewed out three touchdowns in the span of seven minutes. What didn't help was Miami failing a fake punt attempt on their own 20 yard line (never seen that before, don't want to again).
Florida wound up winning 34-12. Gators not happy with their team's performance. You gotta understand, Gator fans are National Championship or bust. They're obsessed with titles and SUV's as gifts...
NO!!!
JUST KIDDING!!
I swear if I keep making that insinuation, the mafia (aka the Florida Five they like to call themselves) will leave an actual gator on the hood of my car. If I make any negative reference to the One, aka Tim Tebow, this blog will somehow magically disappear.
So, for our first Gator football game together it went really well. Thanks to Florida winning, of course. I've seen Kristen when they lose, and that one time we found out they lost and we were at Disney World, let's just say all of us around were not having a Magical Experience at that point; won't make the Kristen Highlight Reel.
In case you're wondering...Kristen can have Florida football, and I get Syracuse basketball. Hopefully they'll be many more championships in the future.
I just realized...what gear are our kids going to wear? Oh...this is awkward...this will be a discussion.
I envision me coming in to the baby's room, slipping a bright Orange onesey onto Baby, giving Baby an Otto The Orange and sneaking back out. Only to find Kristen Crazy Eyes standing at the door with Kathy Bates' Misery look on her face wondering how I took Albert (The Florida Gator) out of the crib.
Oh, this will be awkward indeed. So, we should make a poll out of it...
When we have kids, do you want an Albert or an Otto? Albert for Florida, Otto for Syracuse.
I feel like we should have political advertisements for their campaigns.
(Shots of Otto kissing babies...shots of Albert playing in an oil spill...with a narrator saying, "Otto loves kids, and has helped make them wholehearted, loving human beings...while Albert has voted 57 times for drilling in the Gulf...who would you want running your Baby's crib?")
Aaahhhh...that should make the voting much easier.
I think I see the Five walking towards me now. Gotta go!
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