You Sure You Want To Do This?

Take that Italian Hammer! A two-fer.

For the past three days I've been under the weather...instead of over it??? I never understood what that meant. No worries, just minor stuff like coughing/sore throat/cold/allergies/sinuses, or as the Bachman brothers like to call it..."A Normal Thursday". Right now, the sinuses are my biggest battle...say hello to them, hopefully they're tiring out from dancing the Rumba on my face for the past six hours.

The over/under the amount of times my parents sneezed in 2009 was 5.5 Vegas put the odds at +120. They finished with 4. However, my brother and I are some of the most allergic people ever.

When you go to the allergist for the first time, they poke you with about 50 different things to see what bothers you. Kevin had so many, they thought something was wrong with the test and they made him DO IT OVER! When I went, I was allergic to about 40 of 50 things. So, I've been getting four allergy shots every week for about a year and a half. The nurses tell me that only about 1% of people get four allergy shots. Fantastic news! I'd like to be in the small minority of people when it concerns winning the lottery, not allergies.

Anyways, why do I tell you all this? Definitely not for pity. But I want to make sure Kristen knows what she's marrying into.

Last year, I went old school. Kristen was kind enough to get me a backpack because I would walk into work with about five things in my hand...food, drinks, phone (because my George Costanza wallet wouldn't allow anything in that pocket), books, iPod, etc. I would inevitably leave one thing around, somewhere, at least once a day. So, the backpack has worked for all my junk. However, recently, my backpack has turned into a drug store. Soon every time I open my backpack, it's going to ask me for my health insurance card.

The following is a list of things I've had in my backpack for at least a week...before I got sick...(with the exception of Sudafed)

Mucinex DM

Zantac 150

Bottle of Pepto Bismol

Bag of Halls Cough Drops

Bag of Walgreens Cough Drops

Box of Sudafed (stuff behind the counter, three times as strong as what the regular people folk get, aka, "The Wusses", and I couldn't have been more excited when I found that out today. Highlight of my day.)

Box of Tylenol Severe Sinus

Small Bottle of Vasoline (because I'm protesting Chap Stic and their evil ways)

This doesn't include the box of kleenex attached to my hip as if I'm packing.

I had no idea this was a problem until two days ago. I mean, my God, I'm a 65 year old man in a 31 year old body. As I said to a co-worker the other day, at this rate, I'm two years away from getting the standard "Plastic Box of Daily Elderly Pills". "Alright Brian, F means Friday, here are all your pills, take the blue one, then the green one, then the orange one..."

I've searched deeper into the backpack...

Two editions of Kiplinger's, a financial retirement magazine.

Oh boy!

Paperwork for a Blood Test...

Oh No!

A restaurant coupon...please don't say Early Bird, please don't say Early Bird

Yep, I'm definitely in my 50s, no doubt about that.

Alright, now this is embarrassing. Kristen: "NOW...SERIOUSLY, NOW YOU'RE EMBARRASSED, I WAS EMBARRASSED WHEN YOU STARTED TALKING ABOUT YOUR ALLERGIES AND NO ONE HAS TO CONSTANTLY HEAR YOU SNIFFLE...SNIFF...SNIFF...BLOW YOUR NOSE ALREADY!!!" (she took that last part from my Dad who always use to tell us to blow our nose). My reply should have been, "Dad, you have the same unused handkerchief in your pocket from the Reagan administration."

I bet Kristen gets at least four phone calls tonight from her girlfriends asking her if she's sure she wants to marry me. I really don't know what she's going to say. I just want to show her all my cards before she goes "All In".

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some medicine to take.