Close Call

As the sand slowly runs out of the hour glass towards our Saturday wedding, Kristen and I have picked up the pace. Lots of things to do, little time to do them. So, it didn't surprise me when I was told Saturday evening, that the following morning, we needed to be in Tampa at 730am to meet up with my Mom about some quilting mishap, and Kristen had fabric that needed to get to my Mom (for some reason, I was told they sold out of that fabric in Ft. Myers), so we had to meet halfway in Tampa. Confused, I didn't ask too many questions. Ride the wave!

All the women out there are saying right now..."Not too many questions??? You're going to be a great husband. Ride the wave!"

I wake up early Sunday, pick Kristen up and we're off. On the way down there, she tells me she's feeling sick and she needs breakfast to get some food in her stomach, and to stop off at Panera. When we stop, I get out of the car, and I see Kristen's Dad yelling at me "Hey Bri, this is your Day." I'm thinking...

"Small world, Kristen's Dad is here. He must be meeting up with some friends."

And...

"Her Dad's confused. The wedding is next Saturday. Why is he confused?"

As I go over to talk to him, I notice some of my friends behind him.

"Why is Kristen videotaping this with her iPhone?"

Oh...little, sneaky Kristen pulled one over on me and we're not going to Tampa, but I'm going somewhere else. She hands me Dramamine and says, "You'll need this."

Uh oh!!

They take me deep sea fishing in the Atlantic. Great!!!

Except I've never gone fishing. Hence the Dramamine.

So, we drive over to the ocean, hop on a boat, and we're off. Half hour later, through a high speed boat's bumpy ride, we make it out there. I'm so proud of myself, I didn't yack.

Streak Alive. STREAK ALIVE!!! For anyone who doesn't know me, I haven't puked, yacked, thrown up, blown chunks in 14 1/2 years. I'm more proud of this than anything I've done including graduate college. Sure, people get a college degree, but look at this degree I made up for myself...what's it read, oh yeah...

"Least Likely To Vomit...This Guy!!!"

Then, Bill Joseph, Kristen's Dad's friend who owns the boat, anchors it and says, "Alright, if anyone is going to get sick now would be the time."

As Scooby Doo says, "RUH ROH!!!"

I eat a sandwich, because I had not eaten anything at that point. I need to get some food in me, so I don't get sick.

They show me how to fish, for two reasons...

1) So, I can have fun.

2) So, I don't break the fishing rod, hook someone in the eye or scare away any of the fish with my dis-telligence (word I created as the opposite of intelligence).

After 15 minutes, I'm having a great time. First thing I pull out is a mini shark. Apparently, there are a ton of them where we are. Little buggers got some chompers on them. Yes, you do. YES YOU DO!!! We throw all the mini sharks back.

Get some gutter fish, throw them back.

Not pulling anything out that we can actually take home with us, hang on our mantel and wonder why our significant others won't spend time with us in that room. Is it us? Should we not have changed deodorant?? I knew that sales lady didn't know what she was talking about.

Then, it hits me like a ton of bricks. Staring at the water, the waves, the constant rocking of the boat, here comes the nausea.

There's two reasons why God looked at me before I was born, and said, "Yep, he can't get pregnant."

1) I'm a guy and that'd be difficult with our parts.

2) I'd never make it out of morning sickness. I'd go to the hospital all the time for my nausea. I'd go so often they'd give me a "Go Ten Times Get The Eleventh Visit Free" punch card.

After thirty minutes, I stop fishing. They can see I'm turning pale. So I go up to the front of the boat for some self reflection. Who am I kidding? I'm praying to God I don't lose it on this man's boat.

Breeze is hitting me...I don't feel better. Eyes getting droopy, focus on the horizon. Lips getting numb...that can't be good. More praying. More thinking about Kristen and telling her I love her as if she's there.

Seriously, you would have thought I was going in for major surgery. I was sea sick. That's all.

"Just make yourself vomit, you'll feel better."

(mumbling)..."I have a streak."

"WHAT???"

(more inaudible mumbling, horizon watching, boat rocking)

I then proceed to eulogize the Streak.

"Hey, we've been together a long time. We've had some many great memories. You've been with me through high school graduation, pledging a fraternity, (remember that time I thought we were going to part ways in the fraternity house bathroom, but you stayed with me), we made it through college, and even ten years after. I can't believe food poisoning never broke us up. I can't believe those rare times I've heard or smelled other people's vomit, you've stuck with me. Or the times Tucker has a really, and I mean, stop traffic, get the Haz Mat Suits, really smelly poop, you've been with me. Nerves, roller coaster rides, alcohol, helicopter rides, we've done it all the last 14 1/2 years. If it's time to go, it's time to go. I'll never start another Streak. There can't be another Streak like you. You were the best. So, if you're going to do your thing, let's get this over with."

You know what? My Streak listened and he didn't want to part ways either. Maybe I've meant too much to him through all the moves around the country (maybe I'm making more of this than I should)...

Everyone: "YES YOU ARE!!!"

Whatever. But, I will tell you this, if I met someone today and I said, "I got straight A's in college"

OR...

"I haven't thrown up in 14 1/2 years."

What are they taking away from that conversation?

Exactly!

So, I never yacked. Spent 45 minutes of my life on the front of that boat, wishing this harm on no one. Felt better and enjoyed the rest of my day with everyone else on the back of the boat.

I would truly like to thank Brandi Mattox for putting this together. She was awesome in getting the guys together to do this....Felipe, Eric, Bret (Brandi's boy toy, I mean husband), Matty, Louie, Kristen's Dad and Bill Joseph...thank you so much, guys. Even though I memorialize the sea sickness, that was really only about 10% of my entire fun filled day with these guys. I had a fantastic time. I will never forget it, and it truly means the world to me that you would all do this for me. I can't thank you enough.