Typing this on my "works great as a computer but sucks as a device intended to talk to someone in a different location" iphone4. They make the letters two centimeters apart so with all the corrections, this should take four hours. That's ok. I'm only at work.
"GET TO WORK!!!"
Good to have you back Dad.
I need feedback on something...here comes the Kristen eye roll, which I know so well along with personal favorites, the death stare and "ok...that's your choice" which as guys know means, "ok...that's your choice but plan on sleeping on the couch for the next three nights". Over the last few days, she's heard me complain countless times about at&t. Since i got my No-Phone4 three weeks ago I've lost roughly 30 calls. Has anyone had at&t problems like this? I've called them wanting a new phone under the first 30 day warranty and trying to get them to oblige is comparable to me dunking a basketball right now. They make the rims so high these days.
I did a fantasy football auction draft last night. Instead of picking a guy when it's your turn, you nominate guys and bid on them and you have to do it under a salary cap. Never done auction before and it's pretty fun. Immediately thought this could be an addicting problem. Hopefully not like the 2010 spring edition of fantasy baseball where I drafted 11 teams. You know when you say that out loud, that's pretty embarrassing. Here comes the Kristen eye roll and the part where she questions her sanity for soon marrying into this.
I did do another fantasy football draft last Friday night. We did it at our friend Brandi's house Since I'm the commissioner I had to stand next to the board and write down picks for two hours. Not a problem, except for the fact that my sinuses were partying on my face like it was cinco de mayo. This is the segment of the blog where my parents couldn't be more embarrassed by me (and let's take notice that my Dad blows his nose once every full moon). Friday night there was one point I blew my nose so loud someone commented that I sounded like an elephant. My reply..."I've had allergies for 25 years. You get good at blowing your nose at this point." I'm sorry to everyone who was there and the three year old neighbor's kid two houses down who I inadvertently woke up. My bad! I was waiting for the cops to show up and give me a cease and assist order from the judge. The neighborhood association informed me I'm not welcome back.
My new niece Alexis is now a week old. I'd love to post pictures of her but my now shotgun owning no boy will look at her until she's 26, protective brother hasn't given me permission yet. I can't wait to fly to Cleveland next month to see her. Meanwhile, my mom spent five days there when she was born and they're already looking at real estate. That can't be good for our seven point plan to move the rest of the Bachmans to Florida where it's sunny and warm during the winter, with a splash of steamy and drenching during the summer.
One other thing...
Another addition to the Bachman Family. Everyone say "Hello" to Octavio.
He's my one day old tapeworm. Since I haven't stopped eating today, I've named my culprit. If he stays around long enough, he's going to start asking for a "Plus One" for the wedding. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to "feed the beast" and take a submarine sandwich prisoner.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Hits and Misses
I'm starting a new piece on my blog, called Hits and Misses. My view on what I think works and what doesn't. Think thumbs up/down in the newspaper.
Let me re-phrase...before everyone got their information from the Internet and TMZ, there was this paper periodical called a newspaper. It was thrown on your door, garden or driveway, every morning at 5am by the local kid trying to make $20 or fulfilling his community service requirements. When people actually read this so called "paper", there was a thumbs up/down in the editorial section. People would write in and say things like..."My waitress at Denny's didn't bring me water for ten minutes after I told her I needed a refill...thumbs DOWN!" Well, since I'm the one that writes on this blog, I'll take over duties for hits and misses.
In no particular order...
Hits...The Big Brother Live Feed. A dirty little secret that I watch this. Not the show, but the feed as well. Oh yes, I can turn it on all the time. Watch them gripe about what so and so is wearing, watch the have nots eat slop or watch them stare off into oblivion is more entertaining than you'd think. They are all stuck in a house with no tv or outside communication. Doesn't sound like a barrel of fun (because you can hold something in a barrel other than laughs), but it is. Raise your hands on who doesn't want to be my friend anymore...
Whoa!! You didn't have to raise them that quick...that was hurtful.
Hit...Ale House Fantasy Football Draft Party. For those who don't live in Florida, Ale House is a great sports bar with tons of games and even better food and drinks. If you have your ffdp there, for $20 you get about three pounds of food per person (best Man vs. Food experience I can find so far), which includes wings, mini burgers, loaded fries, onion rings, zingers and a heart murmur. As well as seven pitchers of beer. Great times. Having one there Friday night. Will be fun. Should have a nice spastic colon just in time for...
Hit...Going to another Daytona Beach game this Saturday night. No Belly Buster Monday, though. That's ok. Baseball = good. Another three pounds of food after Friday night's Gorge Fest = Bad.
Hit...More Bristens coming in. We've only had four no's and many more yes's. We're going to have more people than the place can handle, and my Granny might be fighting for a seat, but we should...
What honey???
You're right, that's ridiculous. Granny won't fight for a seat. No, she can't have yours sweet heart. We'll figure it out.
Hit...Angry Birds on the iPhone. I've spent many a hours wasting time flinging birds into the air. At first glance, seems innocent. Look a little harder, and it's slowly addicting. Like The Real Housewives or Puppy Party on Animal Planet. The Man Card Police are knocking on the door, hold on, let me get it.
Misses...Tucker, Kristen's three year old cockapoo, continuously humping me. Whether I'm sitting or standing doesn't matter to him. Why he thinks I'm one of the neighborhood dogs is beyond me. He makes this face like he's so proud of the fact that his pet neutering surgical procedure didn't fully take. I feel you should ask for your money back, honey.
Misses...My apartment complex not waiving the last ten days of my lease while I'm on my honeymoon, and saving me $250. Instead, the day after I come back, I have to stop there and give them my key. Thanks Central Park Apartments.
Misses...Driving on I-4. Always fun to spend a couple hours, everyday, on I-4 when you feel you're driving with other cars that are playing the game, Frogger, weaving in and out of traffic.
Misses...Spanish Pork Roast. I should just get rid of the mindset..."Hey, I've never tried that before, let's give that a whirl." That was my mindset in Publix on Sunday when picking Spanish Pork Roast for deli meat this week for lunch. The smell is so pungent that when I'm done preparing my daily lunch, I have to spray down the countertop, and fridge. Now that it's going on four days, I'm contemplating putting on a HazMat suit with the goggles, gloves and rubber boots, putting up the isolation tent, just so I can prepare another one smellwich. Soon, I'm going to have to re-paint the kitchen walls. I don't know what those Spaniards did to that pig, but it couldn't have been legal in the States.
And finally, the best Hit of all, my brother Kevin and Angela had their first child, Alexis Nola Bachman on Tuesday evening. Healthy baby girl, 8lbs, 3oz. Mom, Dad, and both sets of Grandparents are very excited having been there and taken dozens of pictures at this point. Mom and Dad could probably use some sleep, but I'm sure they'll get some in 2017. I couldn't be more proud of them. I can't wait to see her. Love you guys!
Let me re-phrase...before everyone got their information from the Internet and TMZ, there was this paper periodical called a newspaper. It was thrown on your door, garden or driveway, every morning at 5am by the local kid trying to make $20 or fulfilling his community service requirements. When people actually read this so called "paper", there was a thumbs up/down in the editorial section. People would write in and say things like..."My waitress at Denny's didn't bring me water for ten minutes after I told her I needed a refill...thumbs DOWN!" Well, since I'm the one that writes on this blog, I'll take over duties for hits and misses.
In no particular order...
Hits...The Big Brother Live Feed. A dirty little secret that I watch this. Not the show, but the feed as well. Oh yes, I can turn it on all the time. Watch them gripe about what so and so is wearing, watch the have nots eat slop or watch them stare off into oblivion is more entertaining than you'd think. They are all stuck in a house with no tv or outside communication. Doesn't sound like a barrel of fun (because you can hold something in a barrel other than laughs), but it is. Raise your hands on who doesn't want to be my friend anymore...
Whoa!! You didn't have to raise them that quick...that was hurtful.
Hit...Ale House Fantasy Football Draft Party. For those who don't live in Florida, Ale House is a great sports bar with tons of games and even better food and drinks. If you have your ffdp there, for $20 you get about three pounds of food per person (best Man vs. Food experience I can find so far), which includes wings, mini burgers, loaded fries, onion rings, zingers and a heart murmur. As well as seven pitchers of beer. Great times. Having one there Friday night. Will be fun. Should have a nice spastic colon just in time for...
Hit...Going to another Daytona Beach game this Saturday night. No Belly Buster Monday, though. That's ok. Baseball = good. Another three pounds of food after Friday night's Gorge Fest = Bad.
Hit...More Bristens coming in. We've only had four no's and many more yes's. We're going to have more people than the place can handle, and my Granny might be fighting for a seat, but we should...
What honey???
You're right, that's ridiculous. Granny won't fight for a seat. No, she can't have yours sweet heart. We'll figure it out.
Hit...Angry Birds on the iPhone. I've spent many a hours wasting time flinging birds into the air. At first glance, seems innocent. Look a little harder, and it's slowly addicting. Like The Real Housewives or Puppy Party on Animal Planet. The Man Card Police are knocking on the door, hold on, let me get it.
Misses...Tucker, Kristen's three year old cockapoo, continuously humping me. Whether I'm sitting or standing doesn't matter to him. Why he thinks I'm one of the neighborhood dogs is beyond me. He makes this face like he's so proud of the fact that his pet neutering surgical procedure didn't fully take. I feel you should ask for your money back, honey.
Misses...My apartment complex not waiving the last ten days of my lease while I'm on my honeymoon, and saving me $250. Instead, the day after I come back, I have to stop there and give them my key. Thanks Central Park Apartments.
Misses...Driving on I-4. Always fun to spend a couple hours, everyday, on I-4 when you feel you're driving with other cars that are playing the game, Frogger, weaving in and out of traffic.
Misses...Spanish Pork Roast. I should just get rid of the mindset..."Hey, I've never tried that before, let's give that a whirl." That was my mindset in Publix on Sunday when picking Spanish Pork Roast for deli meat this week for lunch. The smell is so pungent that when I'm done preparing my daily lunch, I have to spray down the countertop, and fridge. Now that it's going on four days, I'm contemplating putting on a HazMat suit with the goggles, gloves and rubber boots, putting up the isolation tent, just so I can prepare another one smellwich. Soon, I'm going to have to re-paint the kitchen walls. I don't know what those Spaniards did to that pig, but it couldn't have been legal in the States.
And finally, the best Hit of all, my brother Kevin and Angela had their first child, Alexis Nola Bachman on Tuesday evening. Healthy baby girl, 8lbs, 3oz. Mom, Dad, and both sets of Grandparents are very excited having been there and taken dozens of pictures at this point. Mom and Dad could probably use some sleep, but I'm sure they'll get some in 2017. I couldn't be more proud of them. I can't wait to see her. Love you guys!
Sunday, August 15, 2010
To Write Or Not To Write That Is The Question
Today, I was at Barnes and Noble and I bought a book.
Somewhere in Cleveland, my brother is singing "Glory, Hallelujah!!"
For years, I would go to B&N, maybe buy some non coffee related drink, read their books, and never buy anything. I would go back and finish entire books without ever seeing the cash register. Of course, that was only if that book wasn't available at the library. You get the gist, I don't buy books. I rent them. We have a contentious relationship.
Besides, B&N wants you to sit around and read. Otherwise they wouldn't have Pimped Their Ride, Starbucks Style.
Well, today, was different. I bought a book about writing. I don't know what possessed me, other than my creative X chromosome.
When I was little, I used to write, a little fiction. Good luck Mom trying to find that one. I think I wrote it on our Commodore computer.
Mom: "Bill, get into the basement and fire up that Commodore."
Bill: "The What..."
Don't bother Mom, it's OK. I'm sure it was about some kid playing little league baseball and winning a game. He had to win the game. As an eight year old writer, I didn't have the cynicism in me to have them lose.
From there, I stopped writing until I hit college, and 15 page blue book essays don't count.
When I graduated, I started family fantasy games for reality shows like Hell's Kitchen and Amazing Race. Every week, I would do weekly recaps. Then, fantasy football leagues. It surprises me how many people want to come back to the leagues because I'll write a ten minute dissertation on how one of our buddies got beat by a fake field goal at the end of the game. It's nice that they come back for more. Gives me inspiration.
Much like that writing book today. And this blog gives me motivation to do more with writing.
Now you might say,
You: "Brian, you update your blog as frequently as I go to the dentist."
Me: "Well, then you have very clean teeth all the time. By the way, the drilling noise doesn't bother you."
So, I don't know where I'm going with my writing, but I know I like doing it. It gives my family and friends from far off lands like New York and Ohio (what did you think I meant, China?) an update into my life, Kristen's life (because I constantly reference her without her knowing beforehand), and the most important guy, Tucker.
So, if you have any comments on how I could become better, bring it. Any ideas on what you want to hear about, I welcome it (like the blog entry I'm still formulating from my Dad's idea about how you can call yourself urgent care if you close at 8 pm).
Who knows maybe you'll see my name on the book shelves some day? That'd be great. Then, if I get other people besides my far off landed parents and friends to buy the book, I could Kristen the Tiffany's diamond studded sunglasses she's always wanted. So, let's help Kristen get her diamond sunnies. Soon, we'll make a sad promotional video like they make of those dogs that need a home. It will be of Kristen walking down the street in slow motion, alone, looking into store windows, sad, that she can't find what she's looking for. She keeps walking, bumping into parked cars, and tripping over sidewalk restaurant tables because she's blinded by the Florida sun, and just as she's about to give up, there it is...
The angles singing....AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.....
Inside the Tiffany's window, her diamond sunglasses. She wants them, she needs them, and the narrator comes on....
Don't you want these sunglasses to find a nice home? (Why does Morgan Freeman narrate all these things?) A home that will appreciate them for all their worth. That will nurture them, caress them, and form a bond with the world. And isn't Kristen the most beautiful person for these sunglasses. (Cut to video of Kristen playing with Tucker in the park, helping kids at Sunday school and laughing with her friends and back to her drooling in front of the Tiffany's window)...
So, please make Kristen's dream come true...
Diamond sunglasses
Everyone wants their dream to come true. Don't you want Kristen to get hers?
For only $2500/month, you can make this happen. But, if you act now, we'll knock it down to $2300/month and throw in the sunglasses case all for FREE!! This offer is too good to pass up.
This message has been brought to you by KACA, Kristen Ann Cumming Associates.
(Thanks Morgan, I can take it from here.)
Or, you could help me with comments to my writing skills. I'd appreciate that a lot.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a book to write.
Somewhere in Cleveland, my brother is singing "Glory, Hallelujah!!"
For years, I would go to B&N, maybe buy some non coffee related drink, read their books, and never buy anything. I would go back and finish entire books without ever seeing the cash register. Of course, that was only if that book wasn't available at the library. You get the gist, I don't buy books. I rent them. We have a contentious relationship.
Besides, B&N wants you to sit around and read. Otherwise they wouldn't have Pimped Their Ride, Starbucks Style.
Well, today, was different. I bought a book about writing. I don't know what possessed me, other than my creative X chromosome.
When I was little, I used to write, a little fiction. Good luck Mom trying to find that one. I think I wrote it on our Commodore computer.
Mom: "Bill, get into the basement and fire up that Commodore."
Bill: "The What..."
Don't bother Mom, it's OK. I'm sure it was about some kid playing little league baseball and winning a game. He had to win the game. As an eight year old writer, I didn't have the cynicism in me to have them lose.
From there, I stopped writing until I hit college, and 15 page blue book essays don't count.
When I graduated, I started family fantasy games for reality shows like Hell's Kitchen and Amazing Race. Every week, I would do weekly recaps. Then, fantasy football leagues. It surprises me how many people want to come back to the leagues because I'll write a ten minute dissertation on how one of our buddies got beat by a fake field goal at the end of the game. It's nice that they come back for more. Gives me inspiration.
Much like that writing book today. And this blog gives me motivation to do more with writing.
Now you might say,
You: "Brian, you update your blog as frequently as I go to the dentist."
Me: "Well, then you have very clean teeth all the time. By the way, the drilling noise doesn't bother you."
So, I don't know where I'm going with my writing, but I know I like doing it. It gives my family and friends from far off lands like New York and Ohio (what did you think I meant, China?) an update into my life, Kristen's life (because I constantly reference her without her knowing beforehand), and the most important guy, Tucker.
So, if you have any comments on how I could become better, bring it. Any ideas on what you want to hear about, I welcome it (like the blog entry I'm still formulating from my Dad's idea about how you can call yourself urgent care if you close at 8 pm).
Who knows maybe you'll see my name on the book shelves some day? That'd be great. Then, if I get other people besides my far off landed parents and friends to buy the book, I could Kristen the Tiffany's diamond studded sunglasses she's always wanted. So, let's help Kristen get her diamond sunnies. Soon, we'll make a sad promotional video like they make of those dogs that need a home. It will be of Kristen walking down the street in slow motion, alone, looking into store windows, sad, that she can't find what she's looking for. She keeps walking, bumping into parked cars, and tripping over sidewalk restaurant tables because she's blinded by the Florida sun, and just as she's about to give up, there it is...
The angles singing....AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.....
Inside the Tiffany's window, her diamond sunglasses. She wants them, she needs them, and the narrator comes on....
Don't you want these sunglasses to find a nice home? (Why does Morgan Freeman narrate all these things?) A home that will appreciate them for all their worth. That will nurture them, caress them, and form a bond with the world. And isn't Kristen the most beautiful person for these sunglasses. (Cut to video of Kristen playing with Tucker in the park, helping kids at Sunday school and laughing with her friends and back to her drooling in front of the Tiffany's window)...
So, please make Kristen's dream come true...
Diamond sunglasses
Everyone wants their dream to come true. Don't you want Kristen to get hers?
For only $2500/month, you can make this happen. But, if you act now, we'll knock it down to $2300/month and throw in the sunglasses case all for FREE!! This offer is too good to pass up.
This message has been brought to you by KACA, Kristen Ann Cumming Associates.
(Thanks Morgan, I can take it from here.)
Or, you could help me with comments to my writing skills. I'd appreciate that a lot.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a book to write.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
And the Bristen goes to...
Kristen and I mailed out our wedding invites last week. And now, the fun part, we're getting our RSVP's back. Everyday is an envelope from one of our loved ones telling us whether or not they're coming. What's great is people don't put their return address on the envelope, so we have no idea who it is from until we open it. Today, I felt like someone presenting an Academy Award (in this case the Bristen) and when I opened it, I said, and the Winner is Mark and Abbie Batia...
Honey, we should make a mini trophy of the two of us encassed in some cheap, plastic gold (because we can't afford the real stuff we have a wedding to plan), and hold it up every time we do this little ritual. I think that'd be a great time.
So, please keep sending us the RSVP's, if for nothing else, we can have more Bristen announcements. And please don't put your return address on the envelope. Takes the fun out of it for us. If it gets lost in the mail, we'll blame the Postmaster General, you know Wilford Brimley.
Honey, we should make a mini trophy of the two of us encassed in some cheap, plastic gold (because we can't afford the real stuff we have a wedding to plan), and hold it up every time we do this little ritual. I think that'd be a great time.
So, please keep sending us the RSVP's, if for nothing else, we can have more Bristen announcements. And please don't put your return address on the envelope. Takes the fun out of it for us. If it gets lost in the mail, we'll blame the Postmaster General, you know Wilford Brimley.
Friday, August 6, 2010
A Social Injustice That Needs Immediate Attention
There are many things in this world that are injustices...
The fact that there is still no cure for AIDS.
Our National Deficit.
A Nine Dollar Beer At Yankee Stadium.
Justin Bieber.
Do these words mean anything to you???
ABA
JOLES
TUT
JINK
LOO
ZA
DEX
FOVENA
SIPE
ASCI
HARL
YON
HAW
NIX
LICHT
ARES
PISH
DOVEN
Think about it???
Anything come to mind???
You sure???
I'll tell you...
These are all acceptable words on Words With Friends. WWF is an iPhone application; yes we got our iPhones, no I haven't mastered it, yet, yes Kristen has, no it's not a sore subject for me, really it isn't, I swear...I promise...I think...
Basically, WWF is playing Scrabble with your friends on your iPhone. You get seven letters to play around the board, and depending on placements you can get double and triple letter points as well as double and triple letter words. It's not uncommon for someone to get 50 points on one turn. I've done it...
Wait, oh that's right...it's been done to me...
A LOT!!!
So, I've HEARD you can get more than 50 points in one turn.
I like hanging out in the eight to twelve ppt range (points per throw). Don't want to get my blood pressure rising with the thought I might win.
It's still fun. You can waste a good portion of your day thinking of different words to play. Trust me, I know.
Now before my Dad tells me from New York to "Get Back To Work", I can tell you I do my job. Granted, I was looking up pwc's (possible word combinations, come on people) about two minutes before the Governor press conference. I stopped. Didn't ask him for his advice, though. Should have...damn...
However, I hit my WWF limit today, and this is the injustice that needs fixing NOW.
All those words I gave you earlier, were used against me. Can anyone use those in a sentence?
"I just saw the Last Airbender and I wanted to Harl"
NO!!!
Kristen told me WWF uses a specific dictionary. I found it online. It's called the 1885 Southern Redneck Dictionary. I googled it, and it told me that there were a group of guys sitting around drinking, one night, wanting to make a few extra bucks. They came up with a crazy idea. They realized everyone knows about Webster's Dictionary. They wanted something of their own. Words they could use around town everyone would understand. The more they thought about this, the more excited they got, and the more they drank. They were writing down different slang words and eventually passed out.
They were saying things like...
"Earl, how about you Yon your way over here and give me some more moonshine before you Harl all over your feet."
"I'm not going to Harl! I feel great, as Licht as a Haw."
"Are you Joling me? You just Siped Roger in the mouth for talking smack about your woman."
"Kiss My ASCI"
"You don't want to do this Earl. We gotta a good thing going here. We're going to be thousandaires with this book."
"I don't want to do this stupid book anymore. I realized I can't walk from town to town Yoning this idea. My Fovena is killing me."
"WAIT?!?! You're part of the team. You have to. My Loo is riding on this."
"I don't have to do anything, except Doven my barn, pay my taxes and Pish on my flowers before I go to bed."
"Listen Earl, I'm going to Dex you in the Za, if you Jink of backing out on me now."
"You can't make me. My Fovena!"
"To Haw with your Fovena. Here comes your Lichting."
And that was that. Roger and Earl fought until their Za's fell off.
The next morning, an entrepreneur was rolling through the area, found the guys passed out on their campsite, saw this ragged manual these fellows put together, noticed they were still catching flies, so he decided to take it before they woke up. One hundred twenty five years later, these words are still being used now. But who knows them? No one.
So, we need to fix this. I say abandon the idea altogether. Why WWF has screwed with me so bad, and given us this language, that is at best barbaric and uncivilized, I have no idea. I'm taking back the night. I say, NO MORE WWF Dictionary. I'm tired of not being able to use the word "OZ" because it's a proper noun, but I get LOO-d, Licht-d and Fovena-d.
Please, write to your fellow Congressman. Tell them enough is enough. We need WWF to play words only used in everyday language. Not this garbage of words no one has ever heard of. Otherwise, our intelligence is going to Pish right down the drain.
The fact that there is still no cure for AIDS.
Our National Deficit.
A Nine Dollar Beer At Yankee Stadium.
Justin Bieber.
Do these words mean anything to you???
ABA
JOLES
TUT
JINK
LOO
ZA
DEX
FOVENA
SIPE
ASCI
HARL
YON
HAW
NIX
LICHT
ARES
PISH
DOVEN
Think about it???
Anything come to mind???
You sure???
I'll tell you...
These are all acceptable words on Words With Friends. WWF is an iPhone application; yes we got our iPhones, no I haven't mastered it, yet, yes Kristen has, no it's not a sore subject for me, really it isn't, I swear...I promise...I think...
Basically, WWF is playing Scrabble with your friends on your iPhone. You get seven letters to play around the board, and depending on placements you can get double and triple letter points as well as double and triple letter words. It's not uncommon for someone to get 50 points on one turn. I've done it...
Wait, oh that's right...it's been done to me...
A LOT!!!
So, I've HEARD you can get more than 50 points in one turn.
I like hanging out in the eight to twelve ppt range (points per throw). Don't want to get my blood pressure rising with the thought I might win.
It's still fun. You can waste a good portion of your day thinking of different words to play. Trust me, I know.
Now before my Dad tells me from New York to "Get Back To Work", I can tell you I do my job. Granted, I was looking up pwc's (possible word combinations, come on people) about two minutes before the Governor press conference. I stopped. Didn't ask him for his advice, though. Should have...damn...
However, I hit my WWF limit today, and this is the injustice that needs fixing NOW.
All those words I gave you earlier, were used against me. Can anyone use those in a sentence?
"I just saw the Last Airbender and I wanted to Harl"
NO!!!
Kristen told me WWF uses a specific dictionary. I found it online. It's called the 1885 Southern Redneck Dictionary. I googled it, and it told me that there were a group of guys sitting around drinking, one night, wanting to make a few extra bucks. They came up with a crazy idea. They realized everyone knows about Webster's Dictionary. They wanted something of their own. Words they could use around town everyone would understand. The more they thought about this, the more excited they got, and the more they drank. They were writing down different slang words and eventually passed out.
They were saying things like...
"Earl, how about you Yon your way over here and give me some more moonshine before you Harl all over your feet."
"I'm not going to Harl! I feel great, as Licht as a Haw."
"Are you Joling me? You just Siped Roger in the mouth for talking smack about your woman."
"Kiss My ASCI"
"You don't want to do this Earl. We gotta a good thing going here. We're going to be thousandaires with this book."
"I don't want to do this stupid book anymore. I realized I can't walk from town to town Yoning this idea. My Fovena is killing me."
"WAIT?!?! You're part of the team. You have to. My Loo is riding on this."
"I don't have to do anything, except Doven my barn, pay my taxes and Pish on my flowers before I go to bed."
"Listen Earl, I'm going to Dex you in the Za, if you Jink of backing out on me now."
"You can't make me. My Fovena!"
"To Haw with your Fovena. Here comes your Lichting."
And that was that. Roger and Earl fought until their Za's fell off.
The next morning, an entrepreneur was rolling through the area, found the guys passed out on their campsite, saw this ragged manual these fellows put together, noticed they were still catching flies, so he decided to take it before they woke up. One hundred twenty five years later, these words are still being used now. But who knows them? No one.
So, we need to fix this. I say abandon the idea altogether. Why WWF has screwed with me so bad, and given us this language, that is at best barbaric and uncivilized, I have no idea. I'm taking back the night. I say, NO MORE WWF Dictionary. I'm tired of not being able to use the word "OZ" because it's a proper noun, but I get LOO-d, Licht-d and Fovena-d.
Please, write to your fellow Congressman. Tell them enough is enough. We need WWF to play words only used in everyday language. Not this garbage of words no one has ever heard of. Otherwise, our intelligence is going to Pish right down the drain.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
