There's No Business Like Show Business

Ten days ago, I was a cruise virgin.

And, when people find that out, everyone who is "experienced", mentions what they like about a cruise.  Mostly, they talk about the food.  How much there is, how good it is, etc.

No one told me about the entertainment, and I'll remember that, much more than anything else on the boat.

One note of reference, never call it a boat to anyone who works and lives on there. And, live they do.

Stay with me as I go onto another tangent...there are over 1200 crew members who call the ship their home.  And I was very jealous up until the last twenty four hours when I was in, "Get Me The Hell Off The Boat" mode.

These crew members sign on for six or nine month contracts.  They work everyday, no off days.  They range from cleaning the rooms, serving the food, doling out the drinks, working at the front desk, making sure the ship doesn't tip over, you know basic stuff.  I thought it was the coolest thing because they get to see the world.  On our excursion alone, we saw the Bahamas, St. Maarten, St. Thomas and Turks and Caicos.  We were the last Caribbean tour of the season.  After they dropped us off Sunday morning, they left a few hours later, with a fresh 1500 Cruisers to Europe.  Six straight days at sea as they sailed towards Barcelona.  I was extremely jealous.

Yet, every time I saw a staff member and told him how jealous I was they get to see the world, they gave me this smirk look like, "If you see what's going on behind the curtain, you won't be so jealous."  We all have seen that look.  Whether it be when a six year old sits on Santa's lap at the mall and realizes this jovial, bearded one gets to go to the North Pole with his elves and reindeer (Reality: He just took a shot of whiskey as he strolled out of his car to heat up because the car heater didn't work, and this is his third job, trying to make ends meet, if he would only give up the alcohol)...OR...the Happy Magic Kingdom workers I see on a regular basis, singing and dancing on The Main Street Parade (Reality: it's their fourteenth such parade that week, their knees are banged up, their feet have callouses and they each have to massage each other's faces afterward to get the Disney mandated smile off, because their cheeks are stuck).

So, after I told the 15th Ruby Princess Cruise worker I was jealous they get to sail around the world, and I got the same grin, I thought, "You know what? I'll keep my Florida life."  Besides, I wouldn't be able to take the puppies with me on board and oh yeah, there's NO WAY Kristen would go for it.  However, the way Kristen acted the last night of the cruise, you never know.

But, before we get to that, back to the entertainment...each night there was a show in the theater, whether it was a Magic Show, or a Broadway inspired show, or a show where different cruise workers got on stage for a talent show.

Something like this...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sFsV6T3s4fI

Then, there were movies...EVERYWHERE, and I loved it.

You could sit on the top level of the boat...DAMN...ship, with more food (Shocking!!!) and watch a movie that just hit rental, like Moneyball, or Iron Lady, or Pirates of the Caribbean 4 (which still scares my wife somehow, she's a grown woman, yet still scared of Pirates, her movie zone is Rom Coms.

(Trailer voice): "In a world where 24 year old women have trouble meeting men, only to find out they take their work too seriously, and once they dial it back, all of a sudden Zac Effron or Ryan Reynolds or Patrick Dempsey show up, take them on ridiculous, unrealistic dates, involving water falls, hot air balloons and carriage rides and all you men are now held to this standard, culminating in a scene where they passionately make out in the rain and they fall in love and The End")

Really Hollywood?!?   Really???

Can we mix it up with, cue Trailer Voice...

(Trailer Voice): "(cough cough) In a world where 24 year old women have trouble meeting men, only to find out they take work too seriously, and once they dial it back, all of a sudden Zac Effron or Ryan Reynolds or Patrick Dempsey show up, take them to Chili's, only to find out the wait is an hour and a half, so they hit a Chic Fil A drive thru, only to be told their Waffle Fries are going to take an extra five minutes and please pull forward to wait, they do, eventually eat their fries in the car, drip Polynesian Sauce on their shirts, and cut the date short because their heart burn is acting up.)

Yeah, women Zac, Ryan and Patrick don't look too sexy now, do they?

Wait, they do?

DAMN!

Other forms of entertainment were The Casino (the most unfriendly dealers ever, worse than Vegas, I felt like I was a part of a legal Mob hit), Bingo (unrealistic prices but huge jackpot, we didn't win, the odds are really bad, I'm bitter I didn't realize this earlier) and Mark Cornish.

Mark Cornish is Kristen's new gay Crush.  I have to say gay Crush, because if I just say Crush, and not explain it, people might think less of her.  But, damn, she was pretty smitten for some Mark Cornish.

Here's some YouTube footage I've found (which will immediately excite Kristen):

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-h1F-tGeoEI

Or his facebook page...which I don't think she's found yet.

https://www.facebook.com/markcornish

He's basically the life of the party.  And by this time, Kristen would have already "liked", "friended" and "messaged" Mark.

Every time she saw him, it was... "HI MARK!!!!"

"Look at Mark, he's so great!!!"

"Isn't he the funniest?" "Honey, he's collecting Bingo cards" "But, look how well he does it....HI MARK!!!!!"

And, finally the last night of the cruise.   It was a doozy for Kristen and she was sober.

Throughout the week we played a lot of trivia games and we were always Top 5, but never in first. The last game was called Quest.  We didn't know what we were getting ourselves into.  If I knew, I would have brought a helmet and shoulder pads.

They would call for an item and you had to find the item and run it up to a cruise member.  There were 20 teams, and a whole lot of items.  The first two teams to get to the cruise member got five points.  Everyone else got one point.  The allure was we didn't know what we were playing for.  A trip....free drinks...free casino chips to be brought back to the mean dealers only to be taken away ten minutes later without even a "Thank You for playing", but more a tone of "You Wanna Piece Of Me?"

Anyways, getting back to Quest, the items were random.  Some were easy.  Like bringing up a menu or a Ruby Princess newsletter.  Others were, let's just say, they speak for themselves...

ITEM #8: BRING UP ONE MAN WHO IS WEARING TWO BRAS...

Kristen rips off her bra, and hounds another woman for her bra and ten seconds later, I'm rushed up to the front wearing a bra, and I have another on my head.  And then we have to stay up there to be interviewed.

ITEM #11: WE WANT TWO LADIES WEARING A PAIR OF MAN'S PANTS...

Kristen is YELLING at me to take off my shorts (they qualified as pants apparently, she didn't give me much time to figure something else out), yanks another woman up to the stage and she's, let's say STRONGLY VERBALLY ENCOURAGING her to put the shorts on with her...And of course, the cruise members tell them to leave the pants up there for all the guys to have to retrieve afterwards...in their boxers.

ITEM #15: BRING UP A WOMAN WEARING A MAN'S SHIRT

Seriously?!?!?!  What's the obsession with men's clothing here???  Kristen zooms up there like my shirt was on fire and she was going for an extinguisher.  And of course, they slowly stroll back afterwards to give us our shirts.  I didn't see the same HUSTLE returning the clothes, ladies!

ITEM #17 ("When is this game going to end?"): BRING UP A MAN WEARING WOMEN'S SHOES

Kristen yells GET UP THERE BUT DON'T RUIN MY SHOES THEY'RE NICE!!!!

ITEM #19: BRING UP A WOMAN WEARING A MAN'S TIE

I wasn't wearing one.  Kristen runs...RUNS...around yelling at complete strangers, GIVE ME YOUR TIE...GIVE ME YOUR TIE...then when getting it, SPRINTS towards the cruise member wearing the tie.

It was The Wrath Of Kristen.  I desperately wish I had a video camera.  It would have been a great sociological experiment, because it wasn't just Kristen RUNNING towards the cruise workers.  It was all the women.  All of them, elbowing each other, YELLING at their unexpecting husbands.  It was like watching the video of women rushing after the one day discounted wedding dresses.  I saw a grown woman, RUNNING, then falling face first onto the floor trying to turn in her item.  And, yet she bounces right back up.  If that was at work, she would have been filing for workman's comp, and work would have already sent flowers, pleading for her not to sue.

It was insane.  This is why Scavenger Hunts are usually for kids.  Adult Scavenger Hunt is CRRRRAAAAAZZZZZYYYYYY!!!!!!

At the end of it, we won.  I mean, Kristen won.  Even though we were a team of four, she was THE RING LEADER!!!!

You know what we won?

A water bottle.

But it was DAMN WORTH IT!!!, if you ask her.

She was on an adrenaline high for two hours afterwards.  The only things I could get her to say was, with a sweaty, ear to ear grin...

10:07 pm "I can't believe I won"

10:15 pm "That was so much fun"

10:31 pm "My Dad would be so proud of me"

11:02 pm "I crushed all of them. I mean 64 points, we must have come in first or second (again, out of 20 teams), about ten times."

11:12 pm "I Dominated" (I made that up, but she was thinking it)

11: 24 pm "Quest is my B$%$%" (Made that up to, but she was thinking that as well, she had Crazy Eyes going)

11:35 pm (Looking at another 74 year old woman going up for her nightly 11pm Buffet Feeding): "You Want A Piece Of This?"

And yet, we're going to have to put The Water Bottle in our will.  And that was the highlight of the trip.

Lesson to be learned, you do not...DO NOT...mess with a woman when a competition is going down...even if none of them know what they are competing FOR...they know who they are competing AGAINST and a woman does not want to lose to another woman.

That's why The Bachelor show is so popular.

We've Seen The World...Kind Of

Kristen and I are back from our cruise and there is so much to talk about... First things first... For those who are wondering if The Streak is alive after my first dip into the Cruise Industry, and the possibilities of sea sickness, the results are in and The Streak persevered. Last month, The Streak had it's Sweet Sixteen party. There was a cake involved. But it wasn't one of those Sweet Sixteen parties you see on MTV where the Dad throws a $500,000 party for his daughter and all of her friends, and P Diddy shows up and presents her with a Lamborghini, blah blah blah. No this was a modest party. A self reflective, look in the mirror, "Brian, good job, you haven't yacked in 16 years...how about we go another 16?" Head nod, exit bathroom, and we move forward. The Cruise didn't get me down. And for the foreseeable future, the skies look clear, and it looks like we will have a smooth ride. And, if we back up a little further, I'd like to take a minute to talk about something on the way down to the port. I was driving and my buddy Wiedy was texting me. Since I don't text and drive, Kristen took the digits and started pounding away. Yet, she didn't say it was her. Here is what transpired... Allegdly Me, Really Kristen: "So, what's the prom situation at the Ebersol House...do you know?" (something I would never ask, but since she's a girl, girls have to exhume feelings out of EVERYTHING!!!) Wiedy: "Jake The Mistake" Me (again NOT ME!!): "NO!!!!!! Oh gosh...bad news!!!" (who talks like this?) I could go on and on, but let's just say the words "bummer", "awww" and "Yay!!!" were used. This should be a crime. It's identity theft. Spousal textal identify theft. When your spouse takes your phone, texts your buddies as yourself, because you are pre-occupied like driving, eating, or in the shower, and doesn't tell them. It's s-t-i-t. This should not be allowed. Us, men need to take a stand and say no more. What's next? They take the remote away from us to watch... Oh, this gets me going to a whole different level. If we go back even further, I'm going to discuss what a typical Monday night is at the Bachman household. Do you know Kristen has the tv viewership habits of a 15 year old girl? Monday night is littered with "Make it or Break it" (an ABC Family show about teenage girls vying for a spot on the Olympic gymnastics team, Kristen has been watching the show the entire time, SOMEHOW the show is in it's third season, she gets so EXCITED every time they renew), followed by "Gossip Girl" (I don't even know how to describe this show other than to say it's just for teenage girls, and some guy who talks in a whisper and girls think it's sexy), followed by "Smash" (a show about young 20 something girls going for the lead in a Broadway show, yet one girl is sleeping with the director and she's a hoebag, and it looks like she's regretting it, and I really need to re-evaulate my life at this point). I had the unfortunate incident of watching these shows with her one Monday. That will be the last Monday. When she started her third show, I said, "Enough, I'm going to bed. I can't take this anymore." Did nothing to her. She kept watching. I don't know if she's regressing, but if she is, then I get to watch WWE again. I went when I was little. I should get that back. And watch three hours of it. In the TV Room. Every Monday! YEAH! (Don't think that's going to happen) Back to the cruise, my first cruise. We were gone seven days. And here's a recap... There is a lot of food on a cruise ship. I mean a LOT! Countless, anytime you want it, hamburgers and french fries, alcoholic drinks, ice cream, pizza. And that's just the stuff on the side. The main stuff is the buffets all the time. We were eating at 11pm. Why??? Because you could!!! Of course, the waist line suffered for me. But, when will I get a chance to eat that much? I ate probably a dozen slices of pizza, hamburg, couple pounds of fries, only a couple scoops of ice cream, roast beef, rice, Caesar salad, soup, crackers, paella, vegetables, bread, fried peanut butter sandwiches, fried zucchini, and about forty other dishes. I'm not kidding. There wasn't a time I wasn't hungry. I was either full or half full. When my tank went half, I loaded up again. Wanted to make sure my engine kept running. My brother would have loved it. He is competing with my buddy Tim as the "Guy Who Could Eat Anything If It Was Put In Front Of Him, It Wasn't Nailed Down, And It Didn't Include Dairy" (for my dairy allergic friend Tim). If you put Cornish Hen in front of either of these guys, they would eat a pound of it, before they even asked what it was. They would say, "Hey, it looks like Chicken, let's go!!!" It's how they roll. Moving on from the food, we stopped in the Bahamas, then down to St. Maarten for a trip on a Nude-y Beach, then to St. Thomas for some snorkeling, followed up with a stop on Turks and Caicos, and then, oh yeah, I mentioned a Nude-y Beach. Yep, never thought I would do it, but I didn't know anyone. Why not? When in Rome? No, that doesn't mean eat pizza Kevin, settle down, it means you strip down when they strip down. It felt liberating. No worries about "Oh my God, what will that person think of me?", because we were some of the youngest people on the nude beach. Why? Old people like to lose their clothes in public. Seventy five percent of the people were AARP card members, but they didn't have a place to hold their cards. Apparently, all those years working in an office, suited up, resulted in them spending their vacations at a nude resort. The weirdest experience??? Waiting in line with a bunch of old, nude people, them telling each other how great it feels to be nude, how weird it is to see each other in clothes at dinner time, and when they hug each other, nude. I definitely would not go that far. And, we brought home a souvenir...Kristen buying a tank top that says, "Happiness in life is no tan lines." It's her favorite shirt now. All in all, a great cruise. We're happy to be back with our puppies. We missed them tremendously. And we're happy to be back to wearing clothes full time. At least one of us is.

Their Poor Fathers

On Saturday night, Kristen and I went out to a lovely dinner with family friends, The Fortsons: Jack, Brenda and their daughter Monica (Shout Out!). As we were driving home, we stopped at a 7-11 for a quick get together with Kristen's BFF...48 ounces of Diet Coke. Quick because you should see her drink the thing (YouknowwhatI'msaying!!)

As we were in 7-11, we noticed a nurse in there that everyone was ogling. Not because she was an actual, I'm Choking Give Me The Heimlich Manuever Kind Of Nurse, but more the, I'm A Slutty Here Are My Boobs And My Dress Is So High You Can See My Butt Cheek And Who Is Heimlich Kind Of Nurse. This got Kristen to thinking...let's troll downtown and see what her generation is wearing. Oh, wait you mean
Slut O Ween? Done!!

We get downtown around 9:45pm, so it's prime costume time. We drive down Orange Avenue and see all sorts of costumes, guy dressed like Will Ferrell in Elf running through the streets clueless like Ferrell did, girl in a skimpy dress, guy dressed like a girl, Luigi, skimpier dress, Yoshi, Pirate, possibly a girl wearing her lingerie, a female cop that all guys would want to be pulled over for, a fat guy jumping up and down as a personal trainer, and a lot, and I mean A LOT of X-rated female nursery rhyme characters who we deemed Slutty Snow White, and Little Slut Riding Hood.

Kristen is loving the stroll. "This is great, I'm so glad we did this!!!!"

After awhile we had this exchange...

Me: "Honey, I keep seeing girls wearing really short dresses, with knee high socks. What is that?"

Kristen: "Oh, that's a Miscellaneous Slutty Costume"

It took 15 minutes to go a handful of blocks down Orange, and once we hit the end, we decided to go back and do it again. It was like we were kids riding Space Mountain for the first time, loving it, and wanting more, except this time without the puking.

Second time down there are a considerably larger portion of late teens and mid twenty somethings in their special garb. The men's consensus choice of costume...a convict. The women's consensus choice of costume...anything accentuating their breasts and butt cheeks. Not their butts, no, that's not enough. They want us to make sure we can see their underwear.

What surprised me the most was how much fun we had with this. I think this was our Halloween highlight. Not the little kids running around this Monday, but watching the young professionals of America literally hang it all out for all of us to see. You know you have shown your wife a cheap, entertaining time when you spend 45 minutes cruising through downtown, judging others and your wife says things like...

"Oh, Oh, Oh, look at that guy dressed like a girl. Guys dressed like a girl is ALWAYS priceless."

"Slow down, SLOW DOWN, I can't see behind the car next to us, Yes!! Another Slutty Pirate"

"Oh, I love it. A guy dressed like a marijuana leaf just walked past a police officer."

"ANOTHER SLUTTY BUMBLE BEE!!! This is FANTASTIC!!!"

The Future Of America. These Are The Voters For Our Next President. And we're ONLY worried about the economy?

Run Forest Run

Through the years I've had many bright ideas. Pouring ice cream into a deep fryer and believing I could get deep fried ice cream. Spraying Raid into my air conditioner vent because I couldn't figure out where else these spider ants were coming from inside my car, and thus creating Raid-O-Car where the smell is so strong, ants in various lawns are dying just whiffing the toxic smell as I drive past. And, finally FaceX which is a computer program I want to create where a phone can take a picture of anything in the world, and information will dispense on it's history, impact in the world, and if it's a product, where and at what cost you can buy it. Of those three, let's just say one of them sent forth a wrath from our fraternity house chef in my direction so strong, that she would still remember it to this day.

In my latest "bright ideas", I convinced my buddy Timmy to run the Disney marathon with me. 26.2 miles. Using our legs. Continuously. In one motion. Towards the finish line. Where glory will be ours. Or a stretcher. Or in Timmy's case, a heaping pile of burgers and fries. You may remember Tim from previous posts where I have gluttonized the poor boy because of his eating habits. During my bachelor party, we went to an all you can eat steakhouse. He ate for two hours. TWO HOURS! Without stopping! He's a machine. When he runs a marathon, he's going to write a book called "The Eater's Guide To Running A Marathon", and there's going to be a picture of him at the end of the race with a plate of spaghetti in one hand and a hot dog in the other.

Editors Note..."One of the pictures in the middle is of Tim combining the spaghetti and the hot dog. It's not for the faint of heart."

Tim has already asked me if instead of Gatorade at each mile marker, if they will provide food. Disney would not return my phone calls.

While we are training, we have to run three or four times a week. The weekends are our long runs. Yesterday, I ran nearly ten miles and it felt like I was running for hours. To the point where it felt someone else was moving my legs and I didn't have control over them.

But, hey, 16 more and we would have completed our mission.

Good God, what have we gotten ourselves into?

We are 83 days away and counting!

P.S. Is it bad that, recently I had a dream about running the marathon and I woke up in a panic? I don't need a dreamologist to tell me I'm having anxiety about this!

Butler Does It Again

Spoiler Alert...

Butler continues their magic from last year as Matt Howard tips in a shot with less than a second to go to beat Old Dominion 60-58. Apparently, the senior didn't want to go home in the first round. Next up, most likely, powerhouse Pittsburgh.

West Virginia holds on to beat Clemson 84-76. Clemson led 40-31 late in the first half but ran out of gas as the Mountaineers pushed the pedal to the metal. West Virginia scored 44 points from their bench players. Really impressive.

And I'm scared. I picked Louisville to go to the Finals in one of my brackets (clearly many will laugh at me, that's OK). So, it wasn't good when I saw Morehead State (Who??? Exactly) get out to a 15-2 lead. Fortunately, for me, my sanity and my bracket, Louisville has come back to take the lead in the second half. Let's hope they hold on.

I Love My Life

View From The Man Cave Until Kristen Comes Home. Three games at once. Hard to see the PIP on the big TV but it's there. You can stay at work as late as you want honey :)

My Awesome Wife

I'd like to thank my beautiful wife for proposing the idea of bringing our upstairs TV downstairs so I now have two TV's and can watch all four games at once. Good job Hon! Nice sacrifice to give up your Today Show Friday morning while you get ready for work.

Wait?!? Did I just give myself more work and I have to reconnect upstairs after the games tonight? Uh oh!

We're Off

I started twenty minutes after tipoff to the first game, but DVR is an Angel From Above and I caught up no problem. No one likes commercials anyways.

I find this to be a little more difficult than in years past. The previous three years I've been in a Vegas Sports Book and they have screens everywhere including a huge one that can show all four games going on at once. When we've gone in the past, my brother and I won't talk to each other, for hours, or unless there's a commercial on all four games at once (we call it a White Wash, we get very excited when this happens). Yet somehow we have trained our brains to catch the most important part of each play for all four games with a "OHHH Did You See That?", and yet we always have.

This year is a little different. Sitting at home, games are going on with four different channels broadcasting. So, right now, I'm watching Clemson/West Virginia with a Old Dominion/Butler Picture In Picture. At 1:40pm, a third game comes on, Louisville/Morehead State will be on my iPhone app March Madness On Demand. A fourth game, I don't know what I will do. Some creative remote control switching. I do have an inner knack to know when to turn the channel at just the right time.
This will be an exercise in concentration to say the least. And yet, Kristen says I don't pay attention :)

Interesting note to the Clemson/WVU game, Clemson played a "play in game" in Dayton, Ohio that finished minutes before midnight Tuesday night. Won that game against UAB to get them into the Round of 64, flew to Tampa, got in at 4:45 am Wednesday morning and was ready to play at 12:15pm today. The scheduling people did not do them any favors. And even though Clemson had a big lead most of the first half (up to nine at one point), WVU tied it with a three right before half.

Now turning my attention to ODU/Butler. Other than the fact that Butler almost won the championship last year, I know nothing about this team other than our friend Julie went there, oh, and it's cold in Indiana. Remember, Butler = Julie + Cold. Got it!

March Madness Anyone?

Happy March Madness Everyone! Today is a very exciting day. 16 first round games followed by another 16 first round games tomorrow. College basketball on three different channels for twelve straight hours, and I'm home all day to watch them. And, I don't have to sneak around the office trying to watch on my computer, like millions of people today.

Best sporting day ever! I don't care what people say about the Super Bowl, that's only 3.5 hours. The only things I'm missing are chips, dips, pizza, barbecue and everything else associated with Fat Super Bowl Day.

T-minus four hours.

P.S. If my buddy Rye Rye isn't home watching today as well, I'm very disappointed.

I'm BAAAACCCCKKKKK

Hello World...I hope you're doing well.

It's been two plus months since my last blog.

I want to get back to writing.

Sometimes life gets in the way.

And our busy lives prevent us from doing certain things.

But, no more.

So, I'm shifting gears on this blog.

Last night, I saw on mlb.com a job post that would be perfect for me.

PERFECT!!!

It's called Dream Job. The objective: Watch every single baseball game and blog about it.

So, let me get this straight: I would watch EVERY game, BLOG, and get PAID. I like all three of those things. All you would have to do is incorporate EATING and I would be in Heaven.

As our favorite crazy whipping boy, Charlie Sheen would say right now:

WINNING!!!

Unfortunately, the job listing closed a week before I saw it.

But, that got me to thinking, and what Kristen and I have been talking about...what are my passions?

Hmmm...well, I know I like to write...

And anyone who knows me knows I like to watch sports.

So, why not do that on my own blog for the time being?

Until mlb.com hopefully picks me up for next year :)

So, first things first...

This Thursday and Friday are two National Holidays for me, aka the first two days of March Madness. And, for the fourth year in a row, I have decided to take those two days off from work.

So, I will blog about the games. ALL OF THEM!!! For at least those two days.

Heck, I was staying home anyways just so I could watch them.

If all goes well, I will blog about Major League Baseball.

Trends/teams (my favorite the Yankees), players, fantasy, etc.

Let's see how it goes.

So, from here on out, you will be hearing much more from me. Mostly sports, but at least this gives me a venue to talk about what I love. And, it gives Kristen a reprieve from all the times I say...

"Honey, did you see that shot?" OR "Honey, I hate AJ Burnett, he can't get past the fifth inning."

Hopefully, I will get pitch a complete game and go the distance through this upcoming baseball season.

GAME ON!!!