I apologize for not being around more often the last couple months. I have been very busy.
I got married in October
I honeymooned shortly thereafter
A week after that, Kristen surprised me with a Shih Tzu/Lhasa Apso puppy for my birthday
Four hours later, I figured out a name...TOBY!!!
Next day, we switched his name to KIRBY!!
Two days later, Kristen officially loved him more than me
I wondered what took so long
Then, the following week I actually had my birthday. A week earlier, Kristen thought that she could get the puppy, then have the breeder hold onto him for an additional week so she could surprise me on my birthday. Once she saw Kirby, she knew she had to take him home that night. Good call!!
Next morning he wakes me up at 530am to go to the bathroom
Next morning 6AM
Next morning 545AM
You get the idea
I call him The Alarm Clock
One of these days I'm going to have a Kirby blog entry
Minutes later, Kristen will scream "Why doesn't Tucker get a blog entry?" She thinks everything has to be completely equal between the pups so that Tucker doesn't get jealous. Tucker seems to be having a blast with his little brother. Kristen is taking his cause on as her own.
Week after my birthday, we had Thanksgiving with all the Cummings' and my parents.
And finally, the last couple weeks we've been driving around, looking at purchasing a home.
Now, Christmas is coming. Settle down...I still haven't started shopping, I still have 15 days.
And, to celebrate our first Christmas as a married couple, Kristen and I are going to get the "Allergy Bomb" aka A Christmas Tree. I'm allergic to everything about it, the tree, the wood, heck even the water we use to make sure the tree doesn't die..everything. Kristen either a) doesn't want a tree or b) wants a fake one, but I refuse.
Hopefully this year goes better than last when I spent an hour outside cutting the tree trunk, yet all we had was a serrated knife. We had to cut it, because Lowe's tree trunk cutting machine was broken. Kristen was thrifty and said...
"Brian will cut it at home. Will you knock ten dollars off the price?"
They did, and I regret it.
After 30 minutes, I remember Kristen coming out to check on me. I was profusely sweating, I grunted at her, mumbled something about why did she feel the need to save ten dollars, I lost the feeling in my forearms twenty minutes earlier, please go back inside. She cheerily went back in. Either that trunk was going to die, or I was.
Fortunately, I won after an hour. One of the proudest moments in our relationship.
This year, to get in the Christmas spirit, I told Kristen I want to listen to Christmas songs when we bring the tree back as well as when we're decorating. She agrees but not before throwing in an amendment...she'd be a great Washington politician.
"We have to listen to JaRule on the way there"
JaRule is some form of hip hop star that my wife loves. Who doesn't think hip hop, JaRule, booty shaking, when it comes to Christmas? If it was up to her, she would have had JaRule come to our wedding, dance our first dance and serenade her all at the same time. I would have been in the corner eating cupcakes.
Why my lovely wife adores JaRule? I have no idea. I don't even knowing if I'm spelling JaRule correctly. But, back in the day, one of her favorite booty dancing songs was JaRule featuring Vida featuring her and her Best Buddy dancing. All the time to this song and anything else that screams hip hop.
You ever watch The Price Is Right when someone is called down from the crowd to participate and they look as happy as someone who won the actual lottery. That's the same surprised giddiness that Kristen and Best Buddy have when they hear JaRule.
And now it's been incorporated into our first married Christmas.
Lesson we've learned here...
According to my wife, Christmas songs need to be more hip hop.
The other lesson...she will opt to save another ten dollars so I can cut the trunk again, giving her time, inside the house, to sneak in JaRule, Vida, Ashanti, T-Pain, whomever, while I pass out on the sidewalk again.
So, even though Jesus was born in a manger in Bethlehem, and we sing O Holy Night, my wife would rather hear songs like Holla Holla, Mesmerize or Livin It Up. I'm sure that's EXACTLY what God had in mind for Christmas.
The only thing I can hope for...our kids not coming out of the womb with hats on backwards flashing gang signs, while her mother flashes them back. You better believe as soon as they're born, and the doctor says "It's a (Boy or Girl)"...Kristen will yell, "Best Buddy, (she's a nurse so she's allowed in), HIT IT!!!" And something like Ride With Me will blare across the delivery room and they will both be dancing. Kristen Ann everyone!!!
Friday, December 10, 2010
Thursday, November 4, 2010
We Made It!!!
Kristen and I come to you from the Man Cave. Since we got married, I moved in to her place and immediately transformed her place into a Guy's Haven. Every room has two HD tv's for multiple sports watching. There are framed baseball jerseys hanging on the walls. I've put up my Don Mattingly poster (favorite baseball player as a kid), I have my wrestling action figurines out, begging Kristen to play, she doesn't. Sad all around. I've made the place my own.
And if you actually believe any of that, I'm also going to convince you that the Loch Ness Monster is real; though I do actually believe that, so that's an indictment on me, DAMN!
Kristen and I are doing great. We had an amazing time at the rehearsal dinner, wedding and on our honeymoon. There are so many people to thank, so if I forget any, I apologize. And since I'm not coming to you from my Fictional Man Cave, but instead from Borders sitting by myself, while Kristen "wines" it up with her friend, Julie, in place of Kristen's fond memories and thanks, I'll take up her cause.
Our parents were unbelievably supportive with their love and constant guidance. Kristen and I were running around a lot days before the wedding and our parents kept reminding us what's important wasn't crossing the things off our "to do list", but to focus on our wedding, family and friends. How right they were. Whether it was at our Mexican themed Rehearsal Dinner or our rain free wedding, I didn't find myself wondering, "Do we have enough candles?", "Is there enough alcohol?", "Why is your Uncle Ralphy hitting on my Granny?" (there's no such Ralphy), BUT I found myself having fun with all my family, friends and most importantly, Kristen.
Our groomsmen and bridesmaids were just the best. There's no other way to put it. I honestly want to enter all of them into the inevitable development television program coming out in 2014 called "Groomsmen/Bridesmaids Road Rules Challenge", and I firmly believe our group would beat everyone else in the competition.
Whether it was Wiedy coming in for 48 hours despite him being the busiest guy I know with work, politics, Big Brother/Big Sister, etc., Christina skipping out of work for 24 hours from D.C. just so she could be here, Aaron Lee and Shana Laflin taking time out of saving lives as doctors, Best Buddy taking time out of saving lives as a nurse as well as being a fantastic mother to Baby Best Buddy Cooper, Kevin Malick taking time out of trying to recover our country from the economic swoon because of his banking buddies (I kid Malick, I know it's not TOTALLY your fault), Kate Shugart coming down from Tallahassee as she's on her way to her eventual Rhodes Scholar (she's one of the smartest people I know), Tiffany Davies from New York City where she braves the cold, and sometimes nasty demeanor of NYC-ians even though she's one of the sweetest people I know and I can't imagine her ever getting mad, Tim Cowan from New York where he also made Orlando another tour stop for him and his "Quest To Eat Around The World" (I was a proud papa wedding day when he ordered, for himself, two full meals and an appetizer from 4Rivers Barbecue), my Best Man Kevin Bachman for coming down from Cleveland, leaving their two month old baby girl behind to be here for anything that I needed (and trust me, I put him to the test with all my errands), and to SuperMOH Megan Denk for exceeding above and beyond being there for all of Kristen's needs, whether it be giving her a drink for a toast, two seconds before "CHEERS", noticing she doesn't have one, constantly "Bustling A Dress" (and I still don't know what that means, and trust me, most guys don't) and making sure Kristen's nerves weren't too frayed beforehand. Thank you to all of you! We can't thank you enough!
I was never really nervous pre-wedding. I took pictures with my guys couple hours before, and we couldn't stop laughing. Here are some of them if you want to take a look, scroll down to the October 25th post.
http://www.ashleymccormickphotography.com/blog/
When the wedding started, and I was walking up to the front, I couldn't help but be emotional. I was a bit surprised. I remember praying to God days before asking Him to give me peace and just take everything in and focus on Kristen. And God helped me for sure!
As I was waiting, and the bridesmaids were walking down, all I kept staring at was the door leading out to the lawn where our wedding was taking place. It's like nothing else mattered to me. I remember fighting off tears (which might make me sound a little sensitive, but oh well). My Best Man Kevin leaned over and told me how proud he was of me. Our minister asked me, "Are you ready for the best moment of your life?" That really got me. Good job Eddie.
When Kristen walked out, I couldn't have ever been happier. She looked gorgeous in her wedding dress. Granted her and her Dad were crying, but she looked radiant. That made me cry a little more.
When the wedding started, I remember only looking at her the whole time. I didn't even really notice anyone else in the crowd. Perfect. There were moments when we casually kissed before we were granted husband and wife and SuperMOH gave us a look like the "Wedding Referees" were going to kick us out, or I was sweating enough that Kristen dabbed my forehead, the thing I will remember the most was looking into her green eyes, and vowing to her and to God that I will be faithful, loving and supportive through thick and thin, and that I will be there for her for the rest of my life. I will never forget that moment.
When the reception started, we came out to Lady Gaga's Paparazzi, and as we were introduced our friends had strobe lights around us acting as cameramen. We first danced to You And Me by Dave Matthews Band. We ate some, drank few, had great Best Man and Maid Of Honor speeches, she stuffed cupcake in my face for pictures, she danced with her Dad, I danced with my Mom, we eventually danced with everyone; including her constantly dancing to booty shaking music with her Florida Gator girls. Looking back on it, October 23rd was the best day of my life. It was the perfect day for me.
The next morning we went to Hawaii where we spent a week snorkeling, eating, ziplining, drinking and eating, swimming, more eating, luau-ing, and drinking, beaching, and eating and you get the point. Granted I ate 70% to Kristen's 30% and now that I'm back, I'm down to four meals a day, Hawaii did something to our souls. We had no timetable, no schedule, whatever we wanted. I wanted to stay out there and never come back. She wanted to get back to Tucker; who can blame her. He made a blog while he was at Grandmom's and Grandpop's...
http://tuckerbachman.tumblr.com/
Kristen posted a lot of Honeymoon pictures on her facebook and she tagged me so they are on mine as well. Please take a look, they are great.
Now, our nights are free for the most part. Nothing to plan, only a lot of great times to be had. I can't wait.
Finally, I knew for a long time that I wanted to marry the love of my life, Kristen Ann Cumming. She has the best and most kind spirit of anyone I've ever met. She's absolutely amazing and I am so blessed to have her be my wife.
I'll get back to writing funny blog entries, but for now, I'm still in wedding glow mode. Thanks Honey. You couldn't have made me happier.
Kristen Ann Bachman...now THAT has a great ring to it :)
And if you actually believe any of that, I'm also going to convince you that the Loch Ness Monster is real; though I do actually believe that, so that's an indictment on me, DAMN!
Kristen and I are doing great. We had an amazing time at the rehearsal dinner, wedding and on our honeymoon. There are so many people to thank, so if I forget any, I apologize. And since I'm not coming to you from my Fictional Man Cave, but instead from Borders sitting by myself, while Kristen "wines" it up with her friend, Julie, in place of Kristen's fond memories and thanks, I'll take up her cause.
Our parents were unbelievably supportive with their love and constant guidance. Kristen and I were running around a lot days before the wedding and our parents kept reminding us what's important wasn't crossing the things off our "to do list", but to focus on our wedding, family and friends. How right they were. Whether it was at our Mexican themed Rehearsal Dinner or our rain free wedding, I didn't find myself wondering, "Do we have enough candles?", "Is there enough alcohol?", "Why is your Uncle Ralphy hitting on my Granny?" (there's no such Ralphy), BUT I found myself having fun with all my family, friends and most importantly, Kristen.
Our groomsmen and bridesmaids were just the best. There's no other way to put it. I honestly want to enter all of them into the inevitable development television program coming out in 2014 called "Groomsmen/Bridesmaids Road Rules Challenge", and I firmly believe our group would beat everyone else in the competition.
Whether it was Wiedy coming in for 48 hours despite him being the busiest guy I know with work, politics, Big Brother/Big Sister, etc., Christina skipping out of work for 24 hours from D.C. just so she could be here, Aaron Lee and Shana Laflin taking time out of saving lives as doctors, Best Buddy taking time out of saving lives as a nurse as well as being a fantastic mother to Baby Best Buddy Cooper, Kevin Malick taking time out of trying to recover our country from the economic swoon because of his banking buddies (I kid Malick, I know it's not TOTALLY your fault), Kate Shugart coming down from Tallahassee as she's on her way to her eventual Rhodes Scholar (she's one of the smartest people I know), Tiffany Davies from New York City where she braves the cold, and sometimes nasty demeanor of NYC-ians even though she's one of the sweetest people I know and I can't imagine her ever getting mad, Tim Cowan from New York where he also made Orlando another tour stop for him and his "Quest To Eat Around The World" (I was a proud papa wedding day when he ordered, for himself, two full meals and an appetizer from 4Rivers Barbecue), my Best Man Kevin Bachman for coming down from Cleveland, leaving their two month old baby girl behind to be here for anything that I needed (and trust me, I put him to the test with all my errands), and to SuperMOH Megan Denk for exceeding above and beyond being there for all of Kristen's needs, whether it be giving her a drink for a toast, two seconds before "CHEERS", noticing she doesn't have one, constantly "Bustling A Dress" (and I still don't know what that means, and trust me, most guys don't) and making sure Kristen's nerves weren't too frayed beforehand. Thank you to all of you! We can't thank you enough!
I was never really nervous pre-wedding. I took pictures with my guys couple hours before, and we couldn't stop laughing. Here are some of them if you want to take a look, scroll down to the October 25th post.
http://www.ashleymccormickphotography.com/blog/
When the wedding started, and I was walking up to the front, I couldn't help but be emotional. I was a bit surprised. I remember praying to God days before asking Him to give me peace and just take everything in and focus on Kristen. And God helped me for sure!
As I was waiting, and the bridesmaids were walking down, all I kept staring at was the door leading out to the lawn where our wedding was taking place. It's like nothing else mattered to me. I remember fighting off tears (which might make me sound a little sensitive, but oh well). My Best Man Kevin leaned over and told me how proud he was of me. Our minister asked me, "Are you ready for the best moment of your life?" That really got me. Good job Eddie.
When Kristen walked out, I couldn't have ever been happier. She looked gorgeous in her wedding dress. Granted her and her Dad were crying, but she looked radiant. That made me cry a little more.
When the wedding started, I remember only looking at her the whole time. I didn't even really notice anyone else in the crowd. Perfect. There were moments when we casually kissed before we were granted husband and wife and SuperMOH gave us a look like the "Wedding Referees" were going to kick us out, or I was sweating enough that Kristen dabbed my forehead, the thing I will remember the most was looking into her green eyes, and vowing to her and to God that I will be faithful, loving and supportive through thick and thin, and that I will be there for her for the rest of my life. I will never forget that moment.
When the reception started, we came out to Lady Gaga's Paparazzi, and as we were introduced our friends had strobe lights around us acting as cameramen. We first danced to You And Me by Dave Matthews Band. We ate some, drank few, had great Best Man and Maid Of Honor speeches, she stuffed cupcake in my face for pictures, she danced with her Dad, I danced with my Mom, we eventually danced with everyone; including her constantly dancing to booty shaking music with her Florida Gator girls. Looking back on it, October 23rd was the best day of my life. It was the perfect day for me.
The next morning we went to Hawaii where we spent a week snorkeling, eating, ziplining, drinking and eating, swimming, more eating, luau-ing, and drinking, beaching, and eating and you get the point. Granted I ate 70% to Kristen's 30% and now that I'm back, I'm down to four meals a day, Hawaii did something to our souls. We had no timetable, no schedule, whatever we wanted. I wanted to stay out there and never come back. She wanted to get back to Tucker; who can blame her. He made a blog while he was at Grandmom's and Grandpop's...
http://tuckerbachman.tumblr.com/
Kristen posted a lot of Honeymoon pictures on her facebook and she tagged me so they are on mine as well. Please take a look, they are great.
Now, our nights are free for the most part. Nothing to plan, only a lot of great times to be had. I can't wait.
Finally, I knew for a long time that I wanted to marry the love of my life, Kristen Ann Cumming. She has the best and most kind spirit of anyone I've ever met. She's absolutely amazing and I am so blessed to have her be my wife.
I'll get back to writing funny blog entries, but for now, I'm still in wedding glow mode. Thanks Honey. You couldn't have made me happier.
Kristen Ann Bachman...now THAT has a great ring to it :)
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
Close Call
As the sand slowly runs out of the hour glass towards our Saturday wedding, Kristen and I have picked up the pace. Lots of things to do, little time to do them. So, it didn't surprise me when I was told Saturday evening, that the following morning, we needed to be in Tampa at 730am to meet up with my Mom about some quilting mishap, and Kristen had fabric that needed to get to my Mom (for some reason, I was told they sold out of that fabric in Ft. Myers), so we had to meet halfway in Tampa. Confused, I didn't ask too many questions. Ride the wave!
All the women out there are saying right now..."Not too many questions??? You're going to be a great husband. Ride the wave!"
I wake up early Sunday, pick Kristen up and we're off. On the way down there, she tells me she's feeling sick and she needs breakfast to get some food in her stomach, and to stop off at Panera. When we stop, I get out of the car, and I see Kristen's Dad yelling at me "Hey Bri, this is your Day." I'm thinking...
"Small world, Kristen's Dad is here. He must be meeting up with some friends."
And...
"Her Dad's confused. The wedding is next Saturday. Why is he confused?"
As I go over to talk to him, I notice some of my friends behind him.
"Why is Kristen videotaping this with her iPhone?"
Oh...little, sneaky Kristen pulled one over on me and we're not going to Tampa, but I'm going somewhere else. She hands me Dramamine and says, "You'll need this."
Uh oh!!
They take me deep sea fishing in the Atlantic. Great!!!
Except I've never gone fishing. Hence the Dramamine.
So, we drive over to the ocean, hop on a boat, and we're off. Half hour later, through a high speed boat's bumpy ride, we make it out there. I'm so proud of myself, I didn't yack.
Streak Alive. STREAK ALIVE!!! For anyone who doesn't know me, I haven't puked, yacked, thrown up, blown chunks in 14 1/2 years. I'm more proud of this than anything I've done including graduate college. Sure, people get a college degree, but look at this degree I made up for myself...what's it read, oh yeah...
"Least Likely To Vomit...This Guy!!!"
Then, Bill Joseph, Kristen's Dad's friend who owns the boat, anchors it and says, "Alright, if anyone is going to get sick now would be the time."
As Scooby Doo says, "RUH ROH!!!"
I eat a sandwich, because I had not eaten anything at that point. I need to get some food in me, so I don't get sick.
They show me how to fish, for two reasons...
1) So, I can have fun.
2) So, I don't break the fishing rod, hook someone in the eye or scare away any of the fish with my dis-telligence (word I created as the opposite of intelligence).
After 15 minutes, I'm having a great time. First thing I pull out is a mini shark. Apparently, there are a ton of them where we are. Little buggers got some chompers on them. Yes, you do. YES YOU DO!!! We throw all the mini sharks back.
Get some gutter fish, throw them back.
Not pulling anything out that we can actually take home with us, hang on our mantel and wonder why our significant others won't spend time with us in that room. Is it us? Should we not have changed deodorant?? I knew that sales lady didn't know what she was talking about.
Then, it hits me like a ton of bricks. Staring at the water, the waves, the constant rocking of the boat, here comes the nausea.
There's two reasons why God looked at me before I was born, and said, "Yep, he can't get pregnant."
1) I'm a guy and that'd be difficult with our parts.
2) I'd never make it out of morning sickness. I'd go to the hospital all the time for my nausea. I'd go so often they'd give me a "Go Ten Times Get The Eleventh Visit Free" punch card.
After thirty minutes, I stop fishing. They can see I'm turning pale. So I go up to the front of the boat for some self reflection. Who am I kidding? I'm praying to God I don't lose it on this man's boat.
Breeze is hitting me...I don't feel better. Eyes getting droopy, focus on the horizon. Lips getting numb...that can't be good. More praying. More thinking about Kristen and telling her I love her as if she's there.
Seriously, you would have thought I was going in for major surgery. I was sea sick. That's all.
"Just make yourself vomit, you'll feel better."
(mumbling)..."I have a streak."
"WHAT???"
(more inaudible mumbling, horizon watching, boat rocking)
I then proceed to eulogize the Streak.
"Hey, we've been together a long time. We've had some many great memories. You've been with me through high school graduation, pledging a fraternity, (remember that time I thought we were going to part ways in the fraternity house bathroom, but you stayed with me), we made it through college, and even ten years after. I can't believe food poisoning never broke us up. I can't believe those rare times I've heard or smelled other people's vomit, you've stuck with me. Or the times Tucker has a really, and I mean, stop traffic, get the Haz Mat Suits, really smelly poop, you've been with me. Nerves, roller coaster rides, alcohol, helicopter rides, we've done it all the last 14 1/2 years. If it's time to go, it's time to go. I'll never start another Streak. There can't be another Streak like you. You were the best. So, if you're going to do your thing, let's get this over with."
You know what? My Streak listened and he didn't want to part ways either. Maybe I've meant too much to him through all the moves around the country (maybe I'm making more of this than I should)...
Everyone: "YES YOU ARE!!!"
Whatever. But, I will tell you this, if I met someone today and I said, "I got straight A's in college"
OR...
"I haven't thrown up in 14 1/2 years."
What are they taking away from that conversation?
Exactly!
So, I never yacked. Spent 45 minutes of my life on the front of that boat, wishing this harm on no one. Felt better and enjoyed the rest of my day with everyone else on the back of the boat.
I would truly like to thank Brandi Mattox for putting this together. She was awesome in getting the guys together to do this....Felipe, Eric, Bret (Brandi's boy toy, I mean husband), Matty, Louie, Kristen's Dad and Bill Joseph...thank you so much, guys. Even though I memorialize the sea sickness, that was really only about 10% of my entire fun filled day with these guys. I had a fantastic time. I will never forget it, and it truly means the world to me that you would all do this for me. I can't thank you enough.
All the women out there are saying right now..."Not too many questions??? You're going to be a great husband. Ride the wave!"
I wake up early Sunday, pick Kristen up and we're off. On the way down there, she tells me she's feeling sick and she needs breakfast to get some food in her stomach, and to stop off at Panera. When we stop, I get out of the car, and I see Kristen's Dad yelling at me "Hey Bri, this is your Day." I'm thinking...
"Small world, Kristen's Dad is here. He must be meeting up with some friends."
And...
"Her Dad's confused. The wedding is next Saturday. Why is he confused?"
As I go over to talk to him, I notice some of my friends behind him.
"Why is Kristen videotaping this with her iPhone?"
Oh...little, sneaky Kristen pulled one over on me and we're not going to Tampa, but I'm going somewhere else. She hands me Dramamine and says, "You'll need this."
Uh oh!!
They take me deep sea fishing in the Atlantic. Great!!!
Except I've never gone fishing. Hence the Dramamine.
So, we drive over to the ocean, hop on a boat, and we're off. Half hour later, through a high speed boat's bumpy ride, we make it out there. I'm so proud of myself, I didn't yack.
Streak Alive. STREAK ALIVE!!! For anyone who doesn't know me, I haven't puked, yacked, thrown up, blown chunks in 14 1/2 years. I'm more proud of this than anything I've done including graduate college. Sure, people get a college degree, but look at this degree I made up for myself...what's it read, oh yeah...
"Least Likely To Vomit...This Guy!!!"
Then, Bill Joseph, Kristen's Dad's friend who owns the boat, anchors it and says, "Alright, if anyone is going to get sick now would be the time."
As Scooby Doo says, "RUH ROH!!!"
I eat a sandwich, because I had not eaten anything at that point. I need to get some food in me, so I don't get sick.
They show me how to fish, for two reasons...
1) So, I can have fun.
2) So, I don't break the fishing rod, hook someone in the eye or scare away any of the fish with my dis-telligence (word I created as the opposite of intelligence).
After 15 minutes, I'm having a great time. First thing I pull out is a mini shark. Apparently, there are a ton of them where we are. Little buggers got some chompers on them. Yes, you do. YES YOU DO!!! We throw all the mini sharks back.
Get some gutter fish, throw them back.
Not pulling anything out that we can actually take home with us, hang on our mantel and wonder why our significant others won't spend time with us in that room. Is it us? Should we not have changed deodorant?? I knew that sales lady didn't know what she was talking about.
Then, it hits me like a ton of bricks. Staring at the water, the waves, the constant rocking of the boat, here comes the nausea.
There's two reasons why God looked at me before I was born, and said, "Yep, he can't get pregnant."
1) I'm a guy and that'd be difficult with our parts.
2) I'd never make it out of morning sickness. I'd go to the hospital all the time for my nausea. I'd go so often they'd give me a "Go Ten Times Get The Eleventh Visit Free" punch card.
After thirty minutes, I stop fishing. They can see I'm turning pale. So I go up to the front of the boat for some self reflection. Who am I kidding? I'm praying to God I don't lose it on this man's boat.
Breeze is hitting me...I don't feel better. Eyes getting droopy, focus on the horizon. Lips getting numb...that can't be good. More praying. More thinking about Kristen and telling her I love her as if she's there.
Seriously, you would have thought I was going in for major surgery. I was sea sick. That's all.
"Just make yourself vomit, you'll feel better."
(mumbling)..."I have a streak."
"WHAT???"
(more inaudible mumbling, horizon watching, boat rocking)
I then proceed to eulogize the Streak.
"Hey, we've been together a long time. We've had some many great memories. You've been with me through high school graduation, pledging a fraternity, (remember that time I thought we were going to part ways in the fraternity house bathroom, but you stayed with me), we made it through college, and even ten years after. I can't believe food poisoning never broke us up. I can't believe those rare times I've heard or smelled other people's vomit, you've stuck with me. Or the times Tucker has a really, and I mean, stop traffic, get the Haz Mat Suits, really smelly poop, you've been with me. Nerves, roller coaster rides, alcohol, helicopter rides, we've done it all the last 14 1/2 years. If it's time to go, it's time to go. I'll never start another Streak. There can't be another Streak like you. You were the best. So, if you're going to do your thing, let's get this over with."
You know what? My Streak listened and he didn't want to part ways either. Maybe I've meant too much to him through all the moves around the country (maybe I'm making more of this than I should)...
Everyone: "YES YOU ARE!!!"
Whatever. But, I will tell you this, if I met someone today and I said, "I got straight A's in college"
OR...
"I haven't thrown up in 14 1/2 years."
What are they taking away from that conversation?
Exactly!
So, I never yacked. Spent 45 minutes of my life on the front of that boat, wishing this harm on no one. Felt better and enjoyed the rest of my day with everyone else on the back of the boat.
I would truly like to thank Brandi Mattox for putting this together. She was awesome in getting the guys together to do this....Felipe, Eric, Bret (Brandi's boy toy, I mean husband), Matty, Louie, Kristen's Dad and Bill Joseph...thank you so much, guys. Even though I memorialize the sea sickness, that was really only about 10% of my entire fun filled day with these guys. I had a fantastic time. I will never forget it, and it truly means the world to me that you would all do this for me. I can't thank you enough.
Friday, October 15, 2010
Eight Days
With the wedding only eight days away, we can clearly see the finish line. Seating chart...done (Kristen did a fantastic job even after she had to redo the entire thing only two days ago), music requests done, convincing my Mom to decorate our Mexican themed Rehearsal Dinner otherwise I would have put up a lot of Yankees wallpaper, pictures and autographed bats...Done!!!
However, one element we will leave up to the final minutes is the weather. Because Florida is a land mass with two huge bodies of water on both sides, makes thunderstorms more the norm than the exception, especially in the summer months.
Kristen is checking the ten day forecast everyday. I assume that's good. At some point, I think she will start checking every hour.
Last night she got on her iPhone.
"Oh S%&*, it's supposed to rain next Saturday."
Me: "Really???" (thinking Kristen will be a real treat leading up if she knows this already)
Kristen: "(more expletives)"
Me: (damage control mode, "dc" and I are tight) "it's going to be alright Honey. You know that meteorologists say that anything after 48 hours isn't truly accurate."
Kristen: "Oh crap. Crap!!! Crap!!! Crap!!! What's the difference between an isolated thunderstorm and scattered showers?"
I could explain the difference but my long winded answer will take me right up to the wedding if I type it all out on my iPhone right now.
Kristen: "You know it calls for 40% chance of rain."
Me: "OK (thinking it could call for 10%, she will still worry like all brides before her)"
Kristen: "OHHH!!!!"
Me: "What is it???"
Kristen: "Nevermind, that was the ten day forecast for Las Vegas. Oh, there we go (going through her iPhone weather app), there's Orlando, looks good."
My soon to be wifey everyone!!!
However, one element we will leave up to the final minutes is the weather. Because Florida is a land mass with two huge bodies of water on both sides, makes thunderstorms more the norm than the exception, especially in the summer months.
Kristen is checking the ten day forecast everyday. I assume that's good. At some point, I think she will start checking every hour.
Last night she got on her iPhone.
"Oh S%&*, it's supposed to rain next Saturday."
Me: "Really???" (thinking Kristen will be a real treat leading up if she knows this already)
Kristen: "(more expletives)"
Me: (damage control mode, "dc" and I are tight) "it's going to be alright Honey. You know that meteorologists say that anything after 48 hours isn't truly accurate."
Kristen: "Oh crap. Crap!!! Crap!!! Crap!!! What's the difference between an isolated thunderstorm and scattered showers?"
I could explain the difference but my long winded answer will take me right up to the wedding if I type it all out on my iPhone right now.
Kristen: "You know it calls for 40% chance of rain."
Me: "OK (thinking it could call for 10%, she will still worry like all brides before her)"
Kristen: "OHHH!!!!"
Me: "What is it???"
Kristen: "Nevermind, that was the ten day forecast for Las Vegas. Oh, there we go (going through her iPhone weather app), there's Orlando, looks good."
My soon to be wifey everyone!!!
Sunday, October 10, 2010
T-minus 13 days
I'm sorry I've been on blogcation for three plus weeks. I have a viable excuse...
Wait for it...
WAIT!!!
I promise it will be good.
Not really. I've yet to figure out how to cram 26 hours into a day. I do have my top crack staff working on it. His name is Tucker. He's a cockapoo. If anyone can sleep the day away and yet still have time to do everything he wants to like ball, eat, kiss, get belly rubs and poop, he's the guy.
Now if I could only get him to wake up and focus...
Because of my slack staff's distractions, I haven't had much time in my everyday life. With the wedding coming up, we're on full board Wedding Prep 303..,see we already graduated the Wedding Prep 101 Course in March, which consisted of dj, caterer, photographer, venue.
Then, in August, we finished Marriage Prep 202...engagement photos, invites, bridal shower, bachelor party, cupcakes...seriously, SweetbyHolly should give me commission every time I mention them or their website sweetbyholly.com and our 360 mini cupcakes with nine different flavors for the wedding, and I'm doing a poor job of showing that's the thing I'm most looking forward to eating at the wedding, aren't I? It's not obvious or anything, right?
As of right now, we're in "Cockpit Doors Are Closed, Safety Belts Are On, Plane Is Taxiing Away From the Gate, We're Running You Through The Safety Procedures" portion of wedding plans. Tonight...seating chart, rehearsal dinner catering, gifts, wedding playlist. It never ends.
All the married women are nodding, "Yep...hmmm...you know that's right."
All the married men are saying, "What's that all about?"
I really wonder what we're going to do with our everyday lives in November.
We're having a great time, just very preoccupied with all our free time going towards Operation October 23rd.
So, since we haven't talked in awhile, I'm going to do a hits and misses. For those who don't know what that is, hits and misses is time for me to praise or rant about things I like or don't like.
For example, a hit is T-minus 10 days until my boy Timmy comes down and we can chow down Four Rivers Barbecue style. Best barbecue place I've ever been to (sorry Rochesterians, it's better than Dinosaur, yep, I said it, that did it, I'm not welcome back, they're putting my picture up at the airport as we speak).
I've written about Timmy before, let's say he enjoys food. Heck, who are we kidding? Timmy can THROW DOWN!!! I saw him just two weeks ago when he came to visit Kristen and I in Cleveland, while we were visiting my new niece Alexis and my brother Kevin and sister in law Angela. Couple things...one, Alexis is cute; only a month and a half old, or as Kevin and Angela would say, Two Weeks Worth of Lost Sleep. She doesn't do much other than sleep during the day and up at night, eat, poop, and make adorable grunts and gurgling noises; she definitely gets that from my brother (when he does it, he's usually trying to get up from the couch after his knees hurt from softball, not the same level of cuteness). Second, when we saw Tim, he THREW DOWN two cheesesteaks like they were an appetizer. I love seeing it. His wife, Jess probably doesn't like that I encourage it, but you know what I say...T-minus 13 days. I can use that excuse for anything right now...it's a total Get Out Of Jail Free Card. I love it! When Kristen gets pregnant, I can use...
"Baby In The Oven" card, anytime I push us through a crowded street, mall or down here, an ice cream shop.
"Sympathy Weight", reason enough to not work out and eat whatever I want. I'm sure that will Kristen feel better.
Anyways, back from Tangentville, when TC comes down, it's on. He loves the barbecue. I'm planning on taking two hours out of my day for lunch to do this. I just hope they don't kick us out of the restaurant, after he goes back up for thirds. I do hope he starts fist pounding the guy who's cutting the meat. Tim, if you could work a fist pump into barbecue visit, I'd be mighty impressed.
Another hit...Timmy for getting so much traffic on my blog, after he posted the "Albert or Otto" poll on a Syracuse fan website. We were leading there for awhile, until Kristen called in the Florida Mafia and 24 hours later, we were down 70 votes. As Kristen put it last night...
Kristen: "Tell Tim he started it and I finished it."
Very distressing. Oh well. I can lean on this interaction we had today...
Me: "Honey, do you know Syracuse (4-1) has a better record than Florida (4-2)?"
Kristen: (silence, Death Stare)...
You can have the vote. We'll take a better winning percentage.
And my last hit to our wedding minister...Eddie from our church, Summit. We met with him last week. We're very excited about what he's bringing to our ceremony. Ask him to do a handstand, he'll do it.
Eddie, here's to hoping you'll learn how to do a handstand in the next 13 days. No pressure or anything. Only counts if you can "stand" for ten seconds. Or if you do it on your way into the ceremony.
Thank you to everyone who has been reading the blog. I really appreciate it. The numbers are way up; over 1500. Keep telling people to hop on. Very exciting.
Now on to some misses...
The new M Night Shyamalan movie, Devil. Don't watch. Not really scary, just stupid. Come on M Night, I keep waiting for a good movie since "I See Dead People", I know you have it in you. Please!!!
The Euros for beating us Americans in the Ryder Cup last weekend. The U.S. came back from four points down, late, to tie it only to lose again. For those who don't understand golf, I know that last sentence meant nothing to you, so I'll translate...We Lost!
The Florida weather for still staying in the low 90s or as Kristen calls it, "Why Do I Bother Doing My Hair When I Just Walk Outside In The Humidity And It Now Looks Like THIS???" time of the year.
Drivers on I-4. There's a reason this is one of the more dangerous highways in the country. Shifting in and out of lanes at 75 in a 55, without a blinker, or a Hand Wave is just irresponsible people. Or the "Crap, I have a quarter mile until the exit, let's go across four lanes of heavy traffic without a blinker" is never a safe move either. Come on, we all have families.
My fantasy auction draft idea for the seating chart for not getting started. I'm telling you this is going to happen, I should write a manifesto on this, so no one steals my secret. I'll write that "to do" down on my ever growing list of "to do's". I'm very passionate about this idea. It can get everyone involved weeks before the wedding.
And that concludes hits and misses for now. If people have something you want me to touch on, I'd be more than happy to do so.
Thanks again! Now, I just need to wake up my crack staff (Tucker)....
WAKE UP!!!!!!!! Oh, look at that, he wants to play ball. Not shocking!!!
Wait for it...
WAIT!!!
I promise it will be good.
Not really. I've yet to figure out how to cram 26 hours into a day. I do have my top crack staff working on it. His name is Tucker. He's a cockapoo. If anyone can sleep the day away and yet still have time to do everything he wants to like ball, eat, kiss, get belly rubs and poop, he's the guy.
Now if I could only get him to wake up and focus...
Because of my slack staff's distractions, I haven't had much time in my everyday life. With the wedding coming up, we're on full board Wedding Prep 303..,see we already graduated the Wedding Prep 101 Course in March, which consisted of dj, caterer, photographer, venue.
Then, in August, we finished Marriage Prep 202...engagement photos, invites, bridal shower, bachelor party, cupcakes...seriously, SweetbyHolly should give me commission every time I mention them or their website sweetbyholly.com and our 360 mini cupcakes with nine different flavors for the wedding, and I'm doing a poor job of showing that's the thing I'm most looking forward to eating at the wedding, aren't I? It's not obvious or anything, right?
As of right now, we're in "Cockpit Doors Are Closed, Safety Belts Are On, Plane Is Taxiing Away From the Gate, We're Running You Through The Safety Procedures" portion of wedding plans. Tonight...seating chart, rehearsal dinner catering, gifts, wedding playlist. It never ends.
All the married women are nodding, "Yep...hmmm...you know that's right."
All the married men are saying, "What's that all about?"
I really wonder what we're going to do with our everyday lives in November.
We're having a great time, just very preoccupied with all our free time going towards Operation October 23rd.
So, since we haven't talked in awhile, I'm going to do a hits and misses. For those who don't know what that is, hits and misses is time for me to praise or rant about things I like or don't like.
For example, a hit is T-minus 10 days until my boy Timmy comes down and we can chow down Four Rivers Barbecue style. Best barbecue place I've ever been to (sorry Rochesterians, it's better than Dinosaur, yep, I said it, that did it, I'm not welcome back, they're putting my picture up at the airport as we speak).
I've written about Timmy before, let's say he enjoys food. Heck, who are we kidding? Timmy can THROW DOWN!!! I saw him just two weeks ago when he came to visit Kristen and I in Cleveland, while we were visiting my new niece Alexis and my brother Kevin and sister in law Angela. Couple things...one, Alexis is cute; only a month and a half old, or as Kevin and Angela would say, Two Weeks Worth of Lost Sleep. She doesn't do much other than sleep during the day and up at night, eat, poop, and make adorable grunts and gurgling noises; she definitely gets that from my brother (when he does it, he's usually trying to get up from the couch after his knees hurt from softball, not the same level of cuteness). Second, when we saw Tim, he THREW DOWN two cheesesteaks like they were an appetizer. I love seeing it. His wife, Jess probably doesn't like that I encourage it, but you know what I say...T-minus 13 days. I can use that excuse for anything right now...it's a total Get Out Of Jail Free Card. I love it! When Kristen gets pregnant, I can use...
"Baby In The Oven" card, anytime I push us through a crowded street, mall or down here, an ice cream shop.
"Sympathy Weight", reason enough to not work out and eat whatever I want. I'm sure that will Kristen feel better.
Anyways, back from Tangentville, when TC comes down, it's on. He loves the barbecue. I'm planning on taking two hours out of my day for lunch to do this. I just hope they don't kick us out of the restaurant, after he goes back up for thirds. I do hope he starts fist pounding the guy who's cutting the meat. Tim, if you could work a fist pump into barbecue visit, I'd be mighty impressed.
Another hit...Timmy for getting so much traffic on my blog, after he posted the "Albert or Otto" poll on a Syracuse fan website. We were leading there for awhile, until Kristen called in the Florida Mafia and 24 hours later, we were down 70 votes. As Kristen put it last night...
Kristen: "Tell Tim he started it and I finished it."
Very distressing. Oh well. I can lean on this interaction we had today...
Me: "Honey, do you know Syracuse (4-1) has a better record than Florida (4-2)?"
Kristen: (silence, Death Stare)...
You can have the vote. We'll take a better winning percentage.
And my last hit to our wedding minister...Eddie from our church, Summit. We met with him last week. We're very excited about what he's bringing to our ceremony. Ask him to do a handstand, he'll do it.
Eddie, here's to hoping you'll learn how to do a handstand in the next 13 days. No pressure or anything. Only counts if you can "stand" for ten seconds. Or if you do it on your way into the ceremony.
Thank you to everyone who has been reading the blog. I really appreciate it. The numbers are way up; over 1500. Keep telling people to hop on. Very exciting.
Now on to some misses...
The new M Night Shyamalan movie, Devil. Don't watch. Not really scary, just stupid. Come on M Night, I keep waiting for a good movie since "I See Dead People", I know you have it in you. Please!!!
The Euros for beating us Americans in the Ryder Cup last weekend. The U.S. came back from four points down, late, to tie it only to lose again. For those who don't understand golf, I know that last sentence meant nothing to you, so I'll translate...We Lost!
The Florida weather for still staying in the low 90s or as Kristen calls it, "Why Do I Bother Doing My Hair When I Just Walk Outside In The Humidity And It Now Looks Like THIS???" time of the year.
Drivers on I-4. There's a reason this is one of the more dangerous highways in the country. Shifting in and out of lanes at 75 in a 55, without a blinker, or a Hand Wave is just irresponsible people. Or the "Crap, I have a quarter mile until the exit, let's go across four lanes of heavy traffic without a blinker" is never a safe move either. Come on, we all have families.
My fantasy auction draft idea for the seating chart for not getting started. I'm telling you this is going to happen, I should write a manifesto on this, so no one steals my secret. I'll write that "to do" down on my ever growing list of "to do's". I'm very passionate about this idea. It can get everyone involved weeks before the wedding.
And that concludes hits and misses for now. If people have something you want me to touch on, I'd be more than happy to do so.
Thanks again! Now, I just need to wake up my crack staff (Tucker)....
WAKE UP!!!!!!!! Oh, look at that, he wants to play ball. Not shocking!!!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Two Worlds Colliding At A Very High Speed
Congratulations to my buddy Tim, his wife Jessica, their boys Andrew and Matthew for winning The Growing An Orange Contest. A very successful blogger and huge Syracuse fan, Sean Keeley has a website devoted to everything Syracuse athletics related, called Troy Nunes Is An Absolute Magician at www.nunesmagician.com
He wrote a book called How To Grow An Orange: The Right Way To Brainwash Your Child Into Becoming A Syracuse Fan. Tim decided to submit this photo of his family all in their Syracuse gear. Adding some of the cutest kids in the world certainly helped his chances of winning.
Tim contacted Sean and told him about our little debate going on about our hypothetical future kids...do we grow them up Syracuse fans (clearly the right choice) or Florida fans (unless you want them to get arrested like so many Urban Meyer followers, not named Tim Tebow). In a minute, you will slowly see why I'm becoming more feisty about this.
On my September 5th blog post, here's what I wrote concerning what to do with our future children's sports allegiances up in the air...
"I envision me coming in to the baby's room, slipping a bright Orange onesey onto Baby, giving Baby an Otto The Orange and sneaking back out. Only to find Kristen Crazy Eyes standing at the door with that Kathy Bates' Misery look on her face wondering how I took Albert (The Florida Gator) out of the crib.
Oh, this will be awkward indeed. So, we should make a poll out of it...
When we have kids, do you want an Albert or an Otto? Albert for Florida, Otto for Syracuse.
I feel like we should have political advertisements for their campaigns.
(Shots of Otto kissing babies...shots of Albert playing in an oil spill...with a narrator saying, "Otto loves kids, and has helped make them wholehearted, loving human beings...while Albert has voted 57 times for drilling in the Gulf...who would you want running your Baby's crib?")
Aaahhhh...that should make the voting much easier."
Since then, Otto got a few more votes than Albert.
After Tim got a hold of Sean, he brought along a lot of Syracuse followers going pure orange and voting for Otto. Cuse were up 100 votes.
Today, Kristen saw this as a challenge and contacted Gator Nation, and now she's checking the blog every five minutes, and watching Albert and his dangerous, frightening teeth come back, and they have. Slowly, he's lurking under the water, ready to pounce like a Gator does. Otto's only up 60.
Kristen: "I see this as an underdog and someone's beating me and beating me, but I slowly come back to TAKE THEM DOWN!!!"
Me: "Uhhhh, you know this is for our hypothetical babies, right?"
Kristen: "Sure, SURE, now check the blog again and see how many Gators voted?"
Me: "How did you come back so quickly?"
Kristen: "I'M NOT TELLING YOU...THIS IS WAR!!! I CAN'T TELL YOU MY WAR SECRETS!!!"
So, now Kristen and I have moved up the deadline for this vote. The day of our wedding...18 days. You have 18 days to decide what hypothetical baby wears, which mascot goes in the crib, what school becomes their allegiance...Lovable Otto or Angry Albert.
Remember people, Gators eat people. Oranges give great things like health and Vitamin C.
Let's not let Syracuse down. Let's finish the job and get Otto in that crib.
P.S. Here's a little secret, I really think Kristen's going to have the results of this challenge dictate what is in our "real" kids cribs. Kind of scary...
Like a Gator...SCARY!!! No one wants to be friends with an alligator. People run from them. Oranges, people flock to. Why do you think so many people like Orange Juice? They love oranges. And so do we, go Otto!!!
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Thirty Four Days And Counting...
With the wedding fast approaching, there are still many things left to be done.
Meeting with the DJ and telling him Kristen wants to play booty shaking music the entire night. DJ and I talking her down to only the last hour or so. Cue all her girlfriends booing me and telling me it's her wedding she should do whatever she wants. To which I respond, "If you want to see my 89 year old Granny on the dance floor, 'Back That Thing Up' is not the way to do it."
Regularly going to SweetbyHolly to make sure the cupcakes are still good, and we're set on our order. That's my excuse. Weak, but I'll use it.
And, finalizing the seating chart. A couple nights ago, Kristen and I sat down and did the seating chart. Whenever anyone at work asks me how the wedding plans are going, and I tell them they're going, and we're getting closer, they always say, "Yeah, that last month or so, you have to do a lot of things like a seating chart", and they never remind me to do anything else. Why is that? Am I incapable? No, Honey, stop nodding your head.
So, when we banged out the seating chart, (my new favorite word that Kristen hates), it was a new experience for me. Here we have all these people coming to the wedding, and we get to dictate where they sit, and who they sit with for an hour or so. No power trip, but it's cool to see all these different groups of people all in the same room. All my family from New York. My childhood and college friends. All Kristen's family, as well as the "Sisters". The "Sisters" are her aunts and uncles whom I still have to meet, and I've been practicing by quizzing myself..."OK, Honey, your Mom has three sisters, Leslie, Patty and Kathy, Leslie lives in Massachusetts, Patty lives in DC and Kathy lives in New Jersey...did I get that?" And because I can't remember, sorry Sisters, she'll tell me yes or no, and I'm still unsure. If you see black marker on my hand wedding day, it's her family tree I wrote down. It's my own little game show. Classic Concentration: Sisters Edition.
After a half hour or so of us (mostly Kristen) giving input on where people should sit, I said, "Hey, Honey, this is fun! This is like having another fantasy draft. We have names, we have spots, fill the name into the roster (aka the tables), and we're set." She couldn't have shown less interest in my fantasy idea at that time.
So, we've (Kristen) been tweaking the list (influences from outside sources, aka "Mothers") and we should have the chart banged out soon. We're happy with it for the most part. We got family with family. Friends with friends.
You know what we should have done...gone totally off base. Throw names into a hat and pick them out. Have everyone on one big conference call.
"OK, at Table 10, we have...drumroll please..."
Kristen: "Stop with the drumroll, I've been doing it for an HOUR!!!"
"Your brother Matthew and his date, Alexa with...my 79 year old Aunt Clara and Uncle Phil. Granted, you've never met..."
And we'll make a website with everyone's faces, with the tables, little bio information, so people are info-d up before the day. This could be like a big speed dating event, except with couples. Random people meeting other random people, sitting down with them, sharing them their current life story, for a short amount of time, (Matthew: "So, Aunt Clara, I read that you have enough canned foods in your basement (they live in New York, there are no basements in Florida, that's called a swamp) to live off for five years in case of a nuclear explosion. How is that going?" Then, after enough conversation and food SWITCH!!! Dancing Time!!!
OR, we could have an auction draft (yes, most things come back to fantasy sports related ideas, hey they were very smart people and it's a billion dollar industry).
Same idea, conference call...
"Alright, the first couple to go up...who wants to sit with us, Kristen and Brian, let's start the bidding at $25..."
Then, we bring in the auctioneer, who speaks 125 words a second and it's some garbled noise with a few numbers...
"WHOSEGOT25IHEAR25WHOWANTS2525252525DOIHEAR252525ANYONEAT2525252525..."
And just have him go all night. The bids would go like this..."(automated voice) DING 25 FROM BILL AND LINDA BACHMAN...DING 30 FROM GLEN AND SALLY CUMMING...", and so on.
Then when we're done, whoever wins that bid, say SUPERMOH (Kristen's Super Maid of Honor, Megan) we would have four at that table. We open up the bidding to fill out the table at eight. If some people like how a table is forming, more pressure to get in.
"WHOWANTSTOSITWITHBRIANKRISTENSUPERMOHANDHERHUSBANDEDLETSGOAT3535353535DOIHEAR353535GRANNYBREAKOUTYOURWALLETANDGIVEME353535COMEONPEOPLEITSTHEIRWEDDINGGOHARDORGOHOMEIWANT35353535".
Everyone would get involved. There would be smack talk on the phone in between friends and family.
"Whoa, you got Kristen's brother Michael for $15, that's a steal. He BRINGS THE FUN!!!"
If you didn't bid, you'd sit outside. That would be my rule, which would quickly get turned down by my Soon To Be Bride, so I'd have you sit in the corner at the Shunned Table.
"No, I can't do that, either. Kitchen? No...fine, I'll come up with something."
I think this is a fantastic idea! Cue all the guys excitedly nodding their heads.
Money goes to charity, aka Our Honeymoon Fund! No, I'm just kidding. It'd go to the Tucker's Dinner Fund! Who wouldn't want to support that? That would get Best Buddy bidding whatever amount, if it benefits Tuck :)
Unfortunately, I didn't think about this early enough. Well, I guess it's back to traditional style If you don't like it, which you should we're all lovely people, blame me for not thinking about names in hat or auction draft sooner. This is a whole untapped market that laughed at now, will someday come to fruition. I just hope by that time, we're not the uncool people bidding on the cool table trying to fit in.
All in all, it's a wedding, it'll be fun. And besides, you won't care who is at your table when Kristen cues the DJ to play Usher "MY GOD" and all her ladies get out on the dance floor.
Meeting with the DJ and telling him Kristen wants to play booty shaking music the entire night. DJ and I talking her down to only the last hour or so. Cue all her girlfriends booing me and telling me it's her wedding she should do whatever she wants. To which I respond, "If you want to see my 89 year old Granny on the dance floor, 'Back That Thing Up' is not the way to do it."
Regularly going to SweetbyHolly to make sure the cupcakes are still good, and we're set on our order. That's my excuse. Weak, but I'll use it.
And, finalizing the seating chart. A couple nights ago, Kristen and I sat down and did the seating chart. Whenever anyone at work asks me how the wedding plans are going, and I tell them they're going, and we're getting closer, they always say, "Yeah, that last month or so, you have to do a lot of things like a seating chart", and they never remind me to do anything else. Why is that? Am I incapable? No, Honey, stop nodding your head.
So, when we banged out the seating chart, (my new favorite word that Kristen hates), it was a new experience for me. Here we have all these people coming to the wedding, and we get to dictate where they sit, and who they sit with for an hour or so. No power trip, but it's cool to see all these different groups of people all in the same room. All my family from New York. My childhood and college friends. All Kristen's family, as well as the "Sisters". The "Sisters" are her aunts and uncles whom I still have to meet, and I've been practicing by quizzing myself..."OK, Honey, your Mom has three sisters, Leslie, Patty and Kathy, Leslie lives in Massachusetts, Patty lives in DC and Kathy lives in New Jersey...did I get that?" And because I can't remember, sorry Sisters, she'll tell me yes or no, and I'm still unsure. If you see black marker on my hand wedding day, it's her family tree I wrote down. It's my own little game show. Classic Concentration: Sisters Edition.
After a half hour or so of us (mostly Kristen) giving input on where people should sit, I said, "Hey, Honey, this is fun! This is like having another fantasy draft. We have names, we have spots, fill the name into the roster (aka the tables), and we're set." She couldn't have shown less interest in my fantasy idea at that time.
So, we've (Kristen) been tweaking the list (influences from outside sources, aka "Mothers") and we should have the chart banged out soon. We're happy with it for the most part. We got family with family. Friends with friends.
You know what we should have done...gone totally off base. Throw names into a hat and pick them out. Have everyone on one big conference call.
"OK, at Table 10, we have...drumroll please..."
Kristen: "Stop with the drumroll, I've been doing it for an HOUR!!!"
"Your brother Matthew and his date, Alexa with...my 79 year old Aunt Clara and Uncle Phil. Granted, you've never met..."
And we'll make a website with everyone's faces, with the tables, little bio information, so people are info-d up before the day. This could be like a big speed dating event, except with couples. Random people meeting other random people, sitting down with them, sharing them their current life story, for a short amount of time, (Matthew: "So, Aunt Clara, I read that you have enough canned foods in your basement (they live in New York, there are no basements in Florida, that's called a swamp) to live off for five years in case of a nuclear explosion. How is that going?" Then, after enough conversation and food SWITCH!!! Dancing Time!!!
OR, we could have an auction draft (yes, most things come back to fantasy sports related ideas, hey they were very smart people and it's a billion dollar industry).
Same idea, conference call...
"Alright, the first couple to go up...who wants to sit with us, Kristen and Brian, let's start the bidding at $25..."
Then, we bring in the auctioneer, who speaks 125 words a second and it's some garbled noise with a few numbers...
"WHOSEGOT25IHEAR25WHOWANTS2525252525DOIHEAR252525ANYONEAT2525252525..."
And just have him go all night. The bids would go like this..."(automated voice) DING 25 FROM BILL AND LINDA BACHMAN...DING 30 FROM GLEN AND SALLY CUMMING...", and so on.
Then when we're done, whoever wins that bid, say SUPERMOH (Kristen's Super Maid of Honor, Megan) we would have four at that table. We open up the bidding to fill out the table at eight. If some people like how a table is forming, more pressure to get in.
"WHOWANTSTOSITWITHBRIANKRISTENSUPERMOHANDHERHUSBANDEDLETSGOAT3535353535DOIHEAR353535GRANNYBREAKOUTYOURWALLETANDGIVEME353535COMEONPEOPLEITSTHEIRWEDDINGGOHARDORGOHOMEIWANT35353535".
Everyone would get involved. There would be smack talk on the phone in between friends and family.
"Whoa, you got Kristen's brother Michael for $15, that's a steal. He BRINGS THE FUN!!!"
If you didn't bid, you'd sit outside. That would be my rule, which would quickly get turned down by my Soon To Be Bride, so I'd have you sit in the corner at the Shunned Table.
"No, I can't do that, either. Kitchen? No...fine, I'll come up with something."
I think this is a fantastic idea! Cue all the guys excitedly nodding their heads.
Money goes to charity, aka Our Honeymoon Fund! No, I'm just kidding. It'd go to the Tucker's Dinner Fund! Who wouldn't want to support that? That would get Best Buddy bidding whatever amount, if it benefits Tuck :)
Unfortunately, I didn't think about this early enough. Well, I guess it's back to traditional style If you don't like it, which you should we're all lovely people, blame me for not thinking about names in hat or auction draft sooner. This is a whole untapped market that laughed at now, will someday come to fruition. I just hope by that time, we're not the uncool people bidding on the cool table trying to fit in.
All in all, it's a wedding, it'll be fun. And besides, you won't care who is at your table when Kristen cues the DJ to play Usher "MY GOD" and all her ladies get out on the dance floor.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
You Sure You Want To Do This?
Take that Italian Hammer! A two-fer.
For the past three days I've been under the weather...instead of over it??? I never understood what that meant. No worries, just minor stuff like coughing/sore throat/cold/allergies/sinuses, or as the Bachman brothers like to call it..."A Normal Thursday". Right now, the sinuses are my biggest battle...say hello to them, hopefully they're tiring out from dancing the Rumba on my face for the past six hours.
The over/under the amount of times my parents sneezed in 2009 was 5.5 Vegas put the odds at +120. They finished with 4. However, my brother and I are some of the most allergic people ever.
When you go to the allergist for the first time, they poke you with about 50 different things to see what bothers you. Kevin had so many, they thought something was wrong with the test and they made him DO IT OVER! When I went, I was allergic to about 40 of 50 things. So, I've been getting four allergy shots every week for about a year and a half. The nurses tell me that only about 1% of people get four allergy shots. Fantastic news! I'd like to be in the small minority of people when it concerns winning the lottery, not allergies.
Anyways, why do I tell you all this? Definitely not for pity. But I want to make sure Kristen knows what she's marrying into.
Last year, I went old school. Kristen was kind enough to get me a backpack because I would walk into work with about five things in my hand...food, drinks, phone (because my George Costanza wallet wouldn't allow anything in that pocket), books, iPod, etc. I would inevitably leave one thing around, somewhere, at least once a day. So, the backpack has worked for all my junk. However, recently, my backpack has turned into a drug store. Soon every time I open my backpack, it's going to ask me for my health insurance card.
The following is a list of things I've had in my backpack for at least a week...before I got sick...(with the exception of Sudafed)
Mucinex DM
Zantac 150
Bottle of Pepto Bismol
Bag of Halls Cough Drops
Bag of Walgreens Cough Drops
Box of Sudafed (stuff behind the counter, three times as strong as what the regular people folk get, aka, "The Wusses", and I couldn't have been more excited when I found that out today. Highlight of my day.)
Box of Tylenol Severe Sinus
Small Bottle of Vasoline (because I'm protesting Chap Stic and their evil ways)
This doesn't include the box of kleenex attached to my hip as if I'm packing.
I had no idea this was a problem until two days ago. I mean, my God, I'm a 65 year old man in a 31 year old body. As I said to a co-worker the other day, at this rate, I'm two years away from getting the standard "Plastic Box of Daily Elderly Pills". "Alright Brian, F means Friday, here are all your pills, take the blue one, then the green one, then the orange one..."
I've searched deeper into the backpack...
Two editions of Kiplinger's, a financial retirement magazine.
Oh boy!
Paperwork for a Blood Test...
Oh No!
A restaurant coupon...please don't say Early Bird, please don't say Early Bird
Yep, I'm definitely in my 50s, no doubt about that.
Alright, now this is embarrassing. Kristen: "NOW...SERIOUSLY, NOW YOU'RE EMBARRASSED, I WAS EMBARRASSED WHEN YOU STARTED TALKING ABOUT YOUR ALLERGIES AND NO ONE HAS TO CONSTANTLY HEAR YOU SNIFFLE...SNIFF...SNIFF...BLOW YOUR NOSE ALREADY!!!" (she took that last part from my Dad who always use to tell us to blow our nose). My reply should have been, "Dad, you have the same unused handkerchief in your pocket from the Reagan administration."
I bet Kristen gets at least four phone calls tonight from her girlfriends asking her if she's sure she wants to marry me. I really don't know what she's going to say. I just want to show her all my cards before she goes "All In".
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some medicine to take.
For the past three days I've been under the weather...instead of over it??? I never understood what that meant. No worries, just minor stuff like coughing/sore throat/cold/allergies/sinuses, or as the Bachman brothers like to call it..."A Normal Thursday". Right now, the sinuses are my biggest battle...say hello to them, hopefully they're tiring out from dancing the Rumba on my face for the past six hours.
The over/under the amount of times my parents sneezed in 2009 was 5.5 Vegas put the odds at +120. They finished with 4. However, my brother and I are some of the most allergic people ever.
When you go to the allergist for the first time, they poke you with about 50 different things to see what bothers you. Kevin had so many, they thought something was wrong with the test and they made him DO IT OVER! When I went, I was allergic to about 40 of 50 things. So, I've been getting four allergy shots every week for about a year and a half. The nurses tell me that only about 1% of people get four allergy shots. Fantastic news! I'd like to be in the small minority of people when it concerns winning the lottery, not allergies.
Anyways, why do I tell you all this? Definitely not for pity. But I want to make sure Kristen knows what she's marrying into.
Last year, I went old school. Kristen was kind enough to get me a backpack because I would walk into work with about five things in my hand...food, drinks, phone (because my George Costanza wallet wouldn't allow anything in that pocket), books, iPod, etc. I would inevitably leave one thing around, somewhere, at least once a day. So, the backpack has worked for all my junk. However, recently, my backpack has turned into a drug store. Soon every time I open my backpack, it's going to ask me for my health insurance card.
The following is a list of things I've had in my backpack for at least a week...before I got sick...(with the exception of Sudafed)
Mucinex DM
Zantac 150
Bottle of Pepto Bismol
Bag of Halls Cough Drops
Bag of Walgreens Cough Drops
Box of Sudafed (stuff behind the counter, three times as strong as what the regular people folk get, aka, "The Wusses", and I couldn't have been more excited when I found that out today. Highlight of my day.)
Box of Tylenol Severe Sinus
Small Bottle of Vasoline (because I'm protesting Chap Stic and their evil ways)
This doesn't include the box of kleenex attached to my hip as if I'm packing.
I had no idea this was a problem until two days ago. I mean, my God, I'm a 65 year old man in a 31 year old body. As I said to a co-worker the other day, at this rate, I'm two years away from getting the standard "Plastic Box of Daily Elderly Pills". "Alright Brian, F means Friday, here are all your pills, take the blue one, then the green one, then the orange one..."
I've searched deeper into the backpack...
Two editions of Kiplinger's, a financial retirement magazine.
Oh boy!
Paperwork for a Blood Test...
Oh No!
A restaurant coupon...please don't say Early Bird, please don't say Early Bird
Yep, I'm definitely in my 50s, no doubt about that.
Alright, now this is embarrassing. Kristen: "NOW...SERIOUSLY, NOW YOU'RE EMBARRASSED, I WAS EMBARRASSED WHEN YOU STARTED TALKING ABOUT YOUR ALLERGIES AND NO ONE HAS TO CONSTANTLY HEAR YOU SNIFFLE...SNIFF...SNIFF...BLOW YOUR NOSE ALREADY!!!" (she took that last part from my Dad who always use to tell us to blow our nose). My reply should have been, "Dad, you have the same unused handkerchief in your pocket from the Reagan administration."
I bet Kristen gets at least four phone calls tonight from her girlfriends asking her if she's sure she wants to marry me. I really don't know what she's going to say. I just want to show her all my cards before she goes "All In".
Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some medicine to take.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
A House Divided
Yesterday, my mom said to me, "You know Brian...we haven't had a blog post in a REALLY long time." Nothing like getting called out by your mother. In an effort to stay in her good graces, I'd like to dedicate this post to the Italian Hammer, Mom this one is for you...
Recently, Kristen and I experienced a new level in our relationship.
We went to a Florida football game in the Swamp. This is a big deal for us, considering Kristen, during her tenure at Florida, spent many a days and nights watching Gator football romp over their competition.
And now, I get to see Kristen in all her Florida glory.
In one corner, you have her team, the Florida Gators, recently won two National Championships in the last four years, 60,000 students, they get all the good players (while graciously giving them new SUV's...NO...NO they don't I'm just kidding, of course) and in the other corner, my college, Miami of Ohio, cute, quaint school, 15,000 kids, the Ivy League School of the Midwest (they like to say..they = me).
And, I'm brought down to Earth when one of Kristen's bridesmaids, Kate Shugart calls it Ohio of Miami. Why??? Is Miami of Ohio such an outcast in the landscape of everything Miami? South Beach, land for Cuban exiles, Kourtney and Khloe, even where Lebron James brings his talents. Does no one know it's a school unless you live in Ohio? EVEN THOUGH it's a school that recently celebrated it's 200th Anniversary. EVEN THOUGH...Miami was a University (IN OHIO!!!) before Florida was a state. WHATEVER!!!
IT'S ON!!!
We'll show them!!!
Doesn't help when I ask Kristen if I'll get razzed (becoming my new favorite word, you should try it) for wearing my Miami shirt. She brushed it off as quickly as if I said, "aliens are outside your door, take a look." Her response: "NO...this isn't a real game anyways." And you know what, no one did razz me for wearing the opponent's gear. Ouch.
That's OK, we'll show them on the field.
ORRR...NOT!!!
Miami was up 3-0 at the end of the first quarter (thanks to Florida turnovers...cue Florida fan..."Turnovers, they looked like a Pop Warner team, fumbles, bad snaps, they sucked!) I was excited, but worried that the Florida alumni around me were going to kill me if Miami pulled the upset. Meanwhile, Kristen wasn't concerned. She was more focused on doing a Gator chomp and watching people in their fun Gator garb.
In the second quarter, all was right in Gatorland as they spewed out three touchdowns in the span of seven minutes. What didn't help was Miami failing a fake punt attempt on their own 20 yard line (never seen that before, don't want to again).
Florida wound up winning 34-12. Gators not happy with their team's performance. You gotta understand, Gator fans are National Championship or bust. They're obsessed with titles and SUV's as gifts...
NO!!!
JUST KIDDING!!
I swear if I keep making that insinuation, the mafia (aka the Florida Five they like to call themselves) will leave an actual gator on the hood of my car. If I make any negative reference to the One, aka Tim Tebow, this blog will somehow magically disappear.
So, for our first Gator football game together it went really well. Thanks to Florida winning, of course. I've seen Kristen when they lose, and that one time we found out they lost and we were at Disney World, let's just say all of us around were not having a Magical Experience at that point; won't make the Kristen Highlight Reel.
In case you're wondering...Kristen can have Florida football, and I get Syracuse basketball. Hopefully they'll be many more championships in the future.
I just realized...what gear are our kids going to wear? Oh...this is awkward...this will be a discussion.
I envision me coming in to the baby's room, slipping a bright Orange onesey onto Baby, giving Baby an Otto The Orange and sneaking back out. Only to find Kristen Crazy Eyes standing at the door with Kathy Bates' Misery look on her face wondering how I took Albert (The Florida Gator) out of the crib.
Oh, this will be awkward indeed. So, we should make a poll out of it...
When we have kids, do you want an Albert or an Otto? Albert for Florida, Otto for Syracuse.
I feel like we should have political advertisements for their campaigns.
(Shots of Otto kissing babies...shots of Albert playing in an oil spill...with a narrator saying, "Otto loves kids, and has helped make them wholehearted, loving human beings...while Albert has voted 57 times for drilling in the Gulf...who would you want running your Baby's crib?")
Aaahhhh...that should make the voting much easier.
I think I see the Five walking towards me now. Gotta go!
Recently, Kristen and I experienced a new level in our relationship.
We went to a Florida football game in the Swamp. This is a big deal for us, considering Kristen, during her tenure at Florida, spent many a days and nights watching Gator football romp over their competition.
And now, I get to see Kristen in all her Florida glory.
In one corner, you have her team, the Florida Gators, recently won two National Championships in the last four years, 60,000 students, they get all the good players (while graciously giving them new SUV's...NO...NO they don't I'm just kidding, of course) and in the other corner, my college, Miami of Ohio, cute, quaint school, 15,000 kids, the Ivy League School of the Midwest (they like to say..they = me).
And, I'm brought down to Earth when one of Kristen's bridesmaids, Kate Shugart calls it Ohio of Miami. Why??? Is Miami of Ohio such an outcast in the landscape of everything Miami? South Beach, land for Cuban exiles, Kourtney and Khloe, even where Lebron James brings his talents. Does no one know it's a school unless you live in Ohio? EVEN THOUGH it's a school that recently celebrated it's 200th Anniversary. EVEN THOUGH...Miami was a University (IN OHIO!!!) before Florida was a state. WHATEVER!!!
IT'S ON!!!
We'll show them!!!
Doesn't help when I ask Kristen if I'll get razzed (becoming my new favorite word, you should try it) for wearing my Miami shirt. She brushed it off as quickly as if I said, "aliens are outside your door, take a look." Her response: "NO...this isn't a real game anyways." And you know what, no one did razz me for wearing the opponent's gear. Ouch.
That's OK, we'll show them on the field.
ORRR...NOT!!!
Miami was up 3-0 at the end of the first quarter (thanks to Florida turnovers...cue Florida fan..."Turnovers, they looked like a Pop Warner team, fumbles, bad snaps, they sucked!) I was excited, but worried that the Florida alumni around me were going to kill me if Miami pulled the upset. Meanwhile, Kristen wasn't concerned. She was more focused on doing a Gator chomp and watching people in their fun Gator garb.
In the second quarter, all was right in Gatorland as they spewed out three touchdowns in the span of seven minutes. What didn't help was Miami failing a fake punt attempt on their own 20 yard line (never seen that before, don't want to again).
Florida wound up winning 34-12. Gators not happy with their team's performance. You gotta understand, Gator fans are National Championship or bust. They're obsessed with titles and SUV's as gifts...
NO!!!
JUST KIDDING!!
I swear if I keep making that insinuation, the mafia (aka the Florida Five they like to call themselves) will leave an actual gator on the hood of my car. If I make any negative reference to the One, aka Tim Tebow, this blog will somehow magically disappear.
So, for our first Gator football game together it went really well. Thanks to Florida winning, of course. I've seen Kristen when they lose, and that one time we found out they lost and we were at Disney World, let's just say all of us around were not having a Magical Experience at that point; won't make the Kristen Highlight Reel.
In case you're wondering...Kristen can have Florida football, and I get Syracuse basketball. Hopefully they'll be many more championships in the future.
I just realized...what gear are our kids going to wear? Oh...this is awkward...this will be a discussion.
I envision me coming in to the baby's room, slipping a bright Orange onesey onto Baby, giving Baby an Otto The Orange and sneaking back out. Only to find Kristen Crazy Eyes standing at the door with Kathy Bates' Misery look on her face wondering how I took Albert (The Florida Gator) out of the crib.
Oh, this will be awkward indeed. So, we should make a poll out of it...
When we have kids, do you want an Albert or an Otto? Albert for Florida, Otto for Syracuse.
I feel like we should have political advertisements for their campaigns.
(Shots of Otto kissing babies...shots of Albert playing in an oil spill...with a narrator saying, "Otto loves kids, and has helped make them wholehearted, loving human beings...while Albert has voted 57 times for drilling in the Gulf...who would you want running your Baby's crib?")
Aaahhhh...that should make the voting much easier.
I think I see the Five walking towards me now. Gotta go!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Feed The Beast
Typing this on my "works great as a computer but sucks as a device intended to talk to someone in a different location" iphone4. They make the letters two centimeters apart so with all the corrections, this should take four hours. That's ok. I'm only at work.
"GET TO WORK!!!"
Good to have you back Dad.
I need feedback on something...here comes the Kristen eye roll, which I know so well along with personal favorites, the death stare and "ok...that's your choice" which as guys know means, "ok...that's your choice but plan on sleeping on the couch for the next three nights". Over the last few days, she's heard me complain countless times about at&t. Since i got my No-Phone4 three weeks ago I've lost roughly 30 calls. Has anyone had at&t problems like this? I've called them wanting a new phone under the first 30 day warranty and trying to get them to oblige is comparable to me dunking a basketball right now. They make the rims so high these days.
I did a fantasy football auction draft last night. Instead of picking a guy when it's your turn, you nominate guys and bid on them and you have to do it under a salary cap. Never done auction before and it's pretty fun. Immediately thought this could be an addicting problem. Hopefully not like the 2010 spring edition of fantasy baseball where I drafted 11 teams. You know when you say that out loud, that's pretty embarrassing. Here comes the Kristen eye roll and the part where she questions her sanity for soon marrying into this.
I did do another fantasy football draft last Friday night. We did it at our friend Brandi's house Since I'm the commissioner I had to stand next to the board and write down picks for two hours. Not a problem, except for the fact that my sinuses were partying on my face like it was cinco de mayo. This is the segment of the blog where my parents couldn't be more embarrassed by me (and let's take notice that my Dad blows his nose once every full moon). Friday night there was one point I blew my nose so loud someone commented that I sounded like an elephant. My reply..."I've had allergies for 25 years. You get good at blowing your nose at this point." I'm sorry to everyone who was there and the three year old neighbor's kid two houses down who I inadvertently woke up. My bad! I was waiting for the cops to show up and give me a cease and assist order from the judge. The neighborhood association informed me I'm not welcome back.
My new niece Alexis is now a week old. I'd love to post pictures of her but my now shotgun owning no boy will look at her until she's 26, protective brother hasn't given me permission yet. I can't wait to fly to Cleveland next month to see her. Meanwhile, my mom spent five days there when she was born and they're already looking at real estate. That can't be good for our seven point plan to move the rest of the Bachmans to Florida where it's sunny and warm during the winter, with a splash of steamy and drenching during the summer.
One other thing...
Another addition to the Bachman Family. Everyone say "Hello" to Octavio.
He's my one day old tapeworm. Since I haven't stopped eating today, I've named my culprit. If he stays around long enough, he's going to start asking for a "Plus One" for the wedding. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to "feed the beast" and take a submarine sandwich prisoner.
"GET TO WORK!!!"
Good to have you back Dad.
I need feedback on something...here comes the Kristen eye roll, which I know so well along with personal favorites, the death stare and "ok...that's your choice" which as guys know means, "ok...that's your choice but plan on sleeping on the couch for the next three nights". Over the last few days, she's heard me complain countless times about at&t. Since i got my No-Phone4 three weeks ago I've lost roughly 30 calls. Has anyone had at&t problems like this? I've called them wanting a new phone under the first 30 day warranty and trying to get them to oblige is comparable to me dunking a basketball right now. They make the rims so high these days.
I did a fantasy football auction draft last night. Instead of picking a guy when it's your turn, you nominate guys and bid on them and you have to do it under a salary cap. Never done auction before and it's pretty fun. Immediately thought this could be an addicting problem. Hopefully not like the 2010 spring edition of fantasy baseball where I drafted 11 teams. You know when you say that out loud, that's pretty embarrassing. Here comes the Kristen eye roll and the part where she questions her sanity for soon marrying into this.
I did do another fantasy football draft last Friday night. We did it at our friend Brandi's house Since I'm the commissioner I had to stand next to the board and write down picks for two hours. Not a problem, except for the fact that my sinuses were partying on my face like it was cinco de mayo. This is the segment of the blog where my parents couldn't be more embarrassed by me (and let's take notice that my Dad blows his nose once every full moon). Friday night there was one point I blew my nose so loud someone commented that I sounded like an elephant. My reply..."I've had allergies for 25 years. You get good at blowing your nose at this point." I'm sorry to everyone who was there and the three year old neighbor's kid two houses down who I inadvertently woke up. My bad! I was waiting for the cops to show up and give me a cease and assist order from the judge. The neighborhood association informed me I'm not welcome back.
My new niece Alexis is now a week old. I'd love to post pictures of her but my now shotgun owning no boy will look at her until she's 26, protective brother hasn't given me permission yet. I can't wait to fly to Cleveland next month to see her. Meanwhile, my mom spent five days there when she was born and they're already looking at real estate. That can't be good for our seven point plan to move the rest of the Bachmans to Florida where it's sunny and warm during the winter, with a splash of steamy and drenching during the summer.
One other thing...
Another addition to the Bachman Family. Everyone say "Hello" to Octavio.
He's my one day old tapeworm. Since I haven't stopped eating today, I've named my culprit. If he stays around long enough, he's going to start asking for a "Plus One" for the wedding. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to "feed the beast" and take a submarine sandwich prisoner.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Hits and Misses
I'm starting a new piece on my blog, called Hits and Misses. My view on what I think works and what doesn't. Think thumbs up/down in the newspaper.
Let me re-phrase...before everyone got their information from the Internet and TMZ, there was this paper periodical called a newspaper. It was thrown on your door, garden or driveway, every morning at 5am by the local kid trying to make $20 or fulfilling his community service requirements. When people actually read this so called "paper", there was a thumbs up/down in the editorial section. People would write in and say things like..."My waitress at Denny's didn't bring me water for ten minutes after I told her I needed a refill...thumbs DOWN!" Well, since I'm the one that writes on this blog, I'll take over duties for hits and misses.
In no particular order...
Hits...The Big Brother Live Feed. A dirty little secret that I watch this. Not the show, but the feed as well. Oh yes, I can turn it on all the time. Watch them gripe about what so and so is wearing, watch the have nots eat slop or watch them stare off into oblivion is more entertaining than you'd think. They are all stuck in a house with no tv or outside communication. Doesn't sound like a barrel of fun (because you can hold something in a barrel other than laughs), but it is. Raise your hands on who doesn't want to be my friend anymore...
Whoa!! You didn't have to raise them that quick...that was hurtful.
Hit...Ale House Fantasy Football Draft Party. For those who don't live in Florida, Ale House is a great sports bar with tons of games and even better food and drinks. If you have your ffdp there, for $20 you get about three pounds of food per person (best Man vs. Food experience I can find so far), which includes wings, mini burgers, loaded fries, onion rings, zingers and a heart murmur. As well as seven pitchers of beer. Great times. Having one there Friday night. Will be fun. Should have a nice spastic colon just in time for...
Hit...Going to another Daytona Beach game this Saturday night. No Belly Buster Monday, though. That's ok. Baseball = good. Another three pounds of food after Friday night's Gorge Fest = Bad.
Hit...More Bristens coming in. We've only had four no's and many more yes's. We're going to have more people than the place can handle, and my Granny might be fighting for a seat, but we should...
What honey???
You're right, that's ridiculous. Granny won't fight for a seat. No, she can't have yours sweet heart. We'll figure it out.
Hit...Angry Birds on the iPhone. I've spent many a hours wasting time flinging birds into the air. At first glance, seems innocent. Look a little harder, and it's slowly addicting. Like The Real Housewives or Puppy Party on Animal Planet. The Man Card Police are knocking on the door, hold on, let me get it.
Misses...Tucker, Kristen's three year old cockapoo, continuously humping me. Whether I'm sitting or standing doesn't matter to him. Why he thinks I'm one of the neighborhood dogs is beyond me. He makes this face like he's so proud of the fact that his pet neutering surgical procedure didn't fully take. I feel you should ask for your money back, honey.
Misses...My apartment complex not waiving the last ten days of my lease while I'm on my honeymoon, and saving me $250. Instead, the day after I come back, I have to stop there and give them my key. Thanks Central Park Apartments.
Misses...Driving on I-4. Always fun to spend a couple hours, everyday, on I-4 when you feel you're driving with other cars that are playing the game, Frogger, weaving in and out of traffic.
Misses...Spanish Pork Roast. I should just get rid of the mindset..."Hey, I've never tried that before, let's give that a whirl." That was my mindset in Publix on Sunday when picking Spanish Pork Roast for deli meat this week for lunch. The smell is so pungent that when I'm done preparing my daily lunch, I have to spray down the countertop, and fridge. Now that it's going on four days, I'm contemplating putting on a HazMat suit with the goggles, gloves and rubber boots, putting up the isolation tent, just so I can prepare another one smellwich. Soon, I'm going to have to re-paint the kitchen walls. I don't know what those Spaniards did to that pig, but it couldn't have been legal in the States.
And finally, the best Hit of all, my brother Kevin and Angela had their first child, Alexis Nola Bachman on Tuesday evening. Healthy baby girl, 8lbs, 3oz. Mom, Dad, and both sets of Grandparents are very excited having been there and taken dozens of pictures at this point. Mom and Dad could probably use some sleep, but I'm sure they'll get some in 2017. I couldn't be more proud of them. I can't wait to see her. Love you guys!
Let me re-phrase...before everyone got their information from the Internet and TMZ, there was this paper periodical called a newspaper. It was thrown on your door, garden or driveway, every morning at 5am by the local kid trying to make $20 or fulfilling his community service requirements. When people actually read this so called "paper", there was a thumbs up/down in the editorial section. People would write in and say things like..."My waitress at Denny's didn't bring me water for ten minutes after I told her I needed a refill...thumbs DOWN!" Well, since I'm the one that writes on this blog, I'll take over duties for hits and misses.
In no particular order...
Hits...The Big Brother Live Feed. A dirty little secret that I watch this. Not the show, but the feed as well. Oh yes, I can turn it on all the time. Watch them gripe about what so and so is wearing, watch the have nots eat slop or watch them stare off into oblivion is more entertaining than you'd think. They are all stuck in a house with no tv or outside communication. Doesn't sound like a barrel of fun (because you can hold something in a barrel other than laughs), but it is. Raise your hands on who doesn't want to be my friend anymore...
Whoa!! You didn't have to raise them that quick...that was hurtful.
Hit...Ale House Fantasy Football Draft Party. For those who don't live in Florida, Ale House is a great sports bar with tons of games and even better food and drinks. If you have your ffdp there, for $20 you get about three pounds of food per person (best Man vs. Food experience I can find so far), which includes wings, mini burgers, loaded fries, onion rings, zingers and a heart murmur. As well as seven pitchers of beer. Great times. Having one there Friday night. Will be fun. Should have a nice spastic colon just in time for...
Hit...Going to another Daytona Beach game this Saturday night. No Belly Buster Monday, though. That's ok. Baseball = good. Another three pounds of food after Friday night's Gorge Fest = Bad.
Hit...More Bristens coming in. We've only had four no's and many more yes's. We're going to have more people than the place can handle, and my Granny might be fighting for a seat, but we should...
What honey???
You're right, that's ridiculous. Granny won't fight for a seat. No, she can't have yours sweet heart. We'll figure it out.
Hit...Angry Birds on the iPhone. I've spent many a hours wasting time flinging birds into the air. At first glance, seems innocent. Look a little harder, and it's slowly addicting. Like The Real Housewives or Puppy Party on Animal Planet. The Man Card Police are knocking on the door, hold on, let me get it.
Misses...Tucker, Kristen's three year old cockapoo, continuously humping me. Whether I'm sitting or standing doesn't matter to him. Why he thinks I'm one of the neighborhood dogs is beyond me. He makes this face like he's so proud of the fact that his pet neutering surgical procedure didn't fully take. I feel you should ask for your money back, honey.
Misses...My apartment complex not waiving the last ten days of my lease while I'm on my honeymoon, and saving me $250. Instead, the day after I come back, I have to stop there and give them my key. Thanks Central Park Apartments.
Misses...Driving on I-4. Always fun to spend a couple hours, everyday, on I-4 when you feel you're driving with other cars that are playing the game, Frogger, weaving in and out of traffic.
Misses...Spanish Pork Roast. I should just get rid of the mindset..."Hey, I've never tried that before, let's give that a whirl." That was my mindset in Publix on Sunday when picking Spanish Pork Roast for deli meat this week for lunch. The smell is so pungent that when I'm done preparing my daily lunch, I have to spray down the countertop, and fridge. Now that it's going on four days, I'm contemplating putting on a HazMat suit with the goggles, gloves and rubber boots, putting up the isolation tent, just so I can prepare another one smellwich. Soon, I'm going to have to re-paint the kitchen walls. I don't know what those Spaniards did to that pig, but it couldn't have been legal in the States.
And finally, the best Hit of all, my brother Kevin and Angela had their first child, Alexis Nola Bachman on Tuesday evening. Healthy baby girl, 8lbs, 3oz. Mom, Dad, and both sets of Grandparents are very excited having been there and taken dozens of pictures at this point. Mom and Dad could probably use some sleep, but I'm sure they'll get some in 2017. I couldn't be more proud of them. I can't wait to see her. Love you guys!
Sunday, August 15, 2010
To Write Or Not To Write That Is The Question
Today, I was at Barnes and Noble and I bought a book.
Somewhere in Cleveland, my brother is singing "Glory, Hallelujah!!"
For years, I would go to B&N, maybe buy some non coffee related drink, read their books, and never buy anything. I would go back and finish entire books without ever seeing the cash register. Of course, that was only if that book wasn't available at the library. You get the gist, I don't buy books. I rent them. We have a contentious relationship.
Besides, B&N wants you to sit around and read. Otherwise they wouldn't have Pimped Their Ride, Starbucks Style.
Well, today, was different. I bought a book about writing. I don't know what possessed me, other than my creative X chromosome.
When I was little, I used to write, a little fiction. Good luck Mom trying to find that one. I think I wrote it on our Commodore computer.
Mom: "Bill, get into the basement and fire up that Commodore."
Bill: "The What..."
Don't bother Mom, it's OK. I'm sure it was about some kid playing little league baseball and winning a game. He had to win the game. As an eight year old writer, I didn't have the cynicism in me to have them lose.
From there, I stopped writing until I hit college, and 15 page blue book essays don't count.
When I graduated, I started family fantasy games for reality shows like Hell's Kitchen and Amazing Race. Every week, I would do weekly recaps. Then, fantasy football leagues. It surprises me how many people want to come back to the leagues because I'll write a ten minute dissertation on how one of our buddies got beat by a fake field goal at the end of the game. It's nice that they come back for more. Gives me inspiration.
Much like that writing book today. And this blog gives me motivation to do more with writing.
Now you might say,
You: "Brian, you update your blog as frequently as I go to the dentist."
Me: "Well, then you have very clean teeth all the time. By the way, the drilling noise doesn't bother you."
So, I don't know where I'm going with my writing, but I know I like doing it. It gives my family and friends from far off lands like New York and Ohio (what did you think I meant, China?) an update into my life, Kristen's life (because I constantly reference her without her knowing beforehand), and the most important guy, Tucker.
So, if you have any comments on how I could become better, bring it. Any ideas on what you want to hear about, I welcome it (like the blog entry I'm still formulating from my Dad's idea about how you can call yourself urgent care if you close at 8 pm).
Who knows maybe you'll see my name on the book shelves some day? That'd be great. Then, if I get other people besides my far off landed parents and friends to buy the book, I could Kristen the Tiffany's diamond studded sunglasses she's always wanted. So, let's help Kristen get her diamond sunnies. Soon, we'll make a sad promotional video like they make of those dogs that need a home. It will be of Kristen walking down the street in slow motion, alone, looking into store windows, sad, that she can't find what she's looking for. She keeps walking, bumping into parked cars, and tripping over sidewalk restaurant tables because she's blinded by the Florida sun, and just as she's about to give up, there it is...
The angles singing....AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.....
Inside the Tiffany's window, her diamond sunglasses. She wants them, she needs them, and the narrator comes on....
Don't you want these sunglasses to find a nice home? (Why does Morgan Freeman narrate all these things?) A home that will appreciate them for all their worth. That will nurture them, caress them, and form a bond with the world. And isn't Kristen the most beautiful person for these sunglasses. (Cut to video of Kristen playing with Tucker in the park, helping kids at Sunday school and laughing with her friends and back to her drooling in front of the Tiffany's window)...
So, please make Kristen's dream come true...
Diamond sunglasses
Everyone wants their dream to come true. Don't you want Kristen to get hers?
For only $2500/month, you can make this happen. But, if you act now, we'll knock it down to $2300/month and throw in the sunglasses case all for FREE!! This offer is too good to pass up.
This message has been brought to you by KACA, Kristen Ann Cumming Associates.
(Thanks Morgan, I can take it from here.)
Or, you could help me with comments to my writing skills. I'd appreciate that a lot.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a book to write.
Somewhere in Cleveland, my brother is singing "Glory, Hallelujah!!"
For years, I would go to B&N, maybe buy some non coffee related drink, read their books, and never buy anything. I would go back and finish entire books without ever seeing the cash register. Of course, that was only if that book wasn't available at the library. You get the gist, I don't buy books. I rent them. We have a contentious relationship.
Besides, B&N wants you to sit around and read. Otherwise they wouldn't have Pimped Their Ride, Starbucks Style.
Well, today, was different. I bought a book about writing. I don't know what possessed me, other than my creative X chromosome.
When I was little, I used to write, a little fiction. Good luck Mom trying to find that one. I think I wrote it on our Commodore computer.
Mom: "Bill, get into the basement and fire up that Commodore."
Bill: "The What..."
Don't bother Mom, it's OK. I'm sure it was about some kid playing little league baseball and winning a game. He had to win the game. As an eight year old writer, I didn't have the cynicism in me to have them lose.
From there, I stopped writing until I hit college, and 15 page blue book essays don't count.
When I graduated, I started family fantasy games for reality shows like Hell's Kitchen and Amazing Race. Every week, I would do weekly recaps. Then, fantasy football leagues. It surprises me how many people want to come back to the leagues because I'll write a ten minute dissertation on how one of our buddies got beat by a fake field goal at the end of the game. It's nice that they come back for more. Gives me inspiration.
Much like that writing book today. And this blog gives me motivation to do more with writing.
Now you might say,
You: "Brian, you update your blog as frequently as I go to the dentist."
Me: "Well, then you have very clean teeth all the time. By the way, the drilling noise doesn't bother you."
So, I don't know where I'm going with my writing, but I know I like doing it. It gives my family and friends from far off lands like New York and Ohio (what did you think I meant, China?) an update into my life, Kristen's life (because I constantly reference her without her knowing beforehand), and the most important guy, Tucker.
So, if you have any comments on how I could become better, bring it. Any ideas on what you want to hear about, I welcome it (like the blog entry I'm still formulating from my Dad's idea about how you can call yourself urgent care if you close at 8 pm).
Who knows maybe you'll see my name on the book shelves some day? That'd be great. Then, if I get other people besides my far off landed parents and friends to buy the book, I could Kristen the Tiffany's diamond studded sunglasses she's always wanted. So, let's help Kristen get her diamond sunnies. Soon, we'll make a sad promotional video like they make of those dogs that need a home. It will be of Kristen walking down the street in slow motion, alone, looking into store windows, sad, that she can't find what she's looking for. She keeps walking, bumping into parked cars, and tripping over sidewalk restaurant tables because she's blinded by the Florida sun, and just as she's about to give up, there it is...
The angles singing....AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.....
Inside the Tiffany's window, her diamond sunglasses. She wants them, she needs them, and the narrator comes on....
Don't you want these sunglasses to find a nice home? (Why does Morgan Freeman narrate all these things?) A home that will appreciate them for all their worth. That will nurture them, caress them, and form a bond with the world. And isn't Kristen the most beautiful person for these sunglasses. (Cut to video of Kristen playing with Tucker in the park, helping kids at Sunday school and laughing with her friends and back to her drooling in front of the Tiffany's window)...
So, please make Kristen's dream come true...
Diamond sunglasses
Everyone wants their dream to come true. Don't you want Kristen to get hers?
For only $2500/month, you can make this happen. But, if you act now, we'll knock it down to $2300/month and throw in the sunglasses case all for FREE!! This offer is too good to pass up.
This message has been brought to you by KACA, Kristen Ann Cumming Associates.
(Thanks Morgan, I can take it from here.)
Or, you could help me with comments to my writing skills. I'd appreciate that a lot.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a book to write.
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
And the Bristen goes to...
Kristen and I mailed out our wedding invites last week. And now, the fun part, we're getting our RSVP's back. Everyday is an envelope from one of our loved ones telling us whether or not they're coming. What's great is people don't put their return address on the envelope, so we have no idea who it is from until we open it. Today, I felt like someone presenting an Academy Award (in this case the Bristen) and when I opened it, I said, and the Winner is Mark and Abbie Batia...
Honey, we should make a mini trophy of the two of us encassed in some cheap, plastic gold (because we can't afford the real stuff we have a wedding to plan), and hold it up every time we do this little ritual. I think that'd be a great time.
So, please keep sending us the RSVP's, if for nothing else, we can have more Bristen announcements. And please don't put your return address on the envelope. Takes the fun out of it for us. If it gets lost in the mail, we'll blame the Postmaster General, you know Wilford Brimley.
Honey, we should make a mini trophy of the two of us encassed in some cheap, plastic gold (because we can't afford the real stuff we have a wedding to plan), and hold it up every time we do this little ritual. I think that'd be a great time.
So, please keep sending us the RSVP's, if for nothing else, we can have more Bristen announcements. And please don't put your return address on the envelope. Takes the fun out of it for us. If it gets lost in the mail, we'll blame the Postmaster General, you know Wilford Brimley.
Friday, August 6, 2010
A Social Injustice That Needs Immediate Attention
There are many things in this world that are injustices...
The fact that there is still no cure for AIDS.
Our National Deficit.
A Nine Dollar Beer At Yankee Stadium.
Justin Bieber.
Do these words mean anything to you???
ABA
JOLES
TUT
JINK
LOO
ZA
DEX
FOVENA
SIPE
ASCI
HARL
YON
HAW
NIX
LICHT
ARES
PISH
DOVEN
Think about it???
Anything come to mind???
You sure???
I'll tell you...
These are all acceptable words on Words With Friends. WWF is an iPhone application; yes we got our iPhones, no I haven't mastered it, yet, yes Kristen has, no it's not a sore subject for me, really it isn't, I swear...I promise...I think...
Basically, WWF is playing Scrabble with your friends on your iPhone. You get seven letters to play around the board, and depending on placements you can get double and triple letter points as well as double and triple letter words. It's not uncommon for someone to get 50 points on one turn. I've done it...
Wait, oh that's right...it's been done to me...
A LOT!!!
So, I've HEARD you can get more than 50 points in one turn.
I like hanging out in the eight to twelve ppt range (points per throw). Don't want to get my blood pressure rising with the thought I might win.
It's still fun. You can waste a good portion of your day thinking of different words to play. Trust me, I know.
Now before my Dad tells me from New York to "Get Back To Work", I can tell you I do my job. Granted, I was looking up pwc's (possible word combinations, come on people) about two minutes before the Governor press conference. I stopped. Didn't ask him for his advice, though. Should have...damn...
However, I hit my WWF limit today, and this is the injustice that needs fixing NOW.
All those words I gave you earlier, were used against me. Can anyone use those in a sentence?
"I just saw the Last Airbender and I wanted to Harl"
NO!!!
Kristen told me WWF uses a specific dictionary. I found it online. It's called the 1885 Southern Redneck Dictionary. I googled it, and it told me that there were a group of guys sitting around drinking, one night, wanting to make a few extra bucks. They came up with a crazy idea. They realized everyone knows about Webster's Dictionary. They wanted something of their own. Words they could use around town everyone would understand. The more they thought about this, the more excited they got, and the more they drank. They were writing down different slang words and eventually passed out.
They were saying things like...
"Earl, how about you Yon your way over here and give me some more moonshine before you Harl all over your feet."
"I'm not going to Harl! I feel great, as Licht as a Haw."
"Are you Joling me? You just Siped Roger in the mouth for talking smack about your woman."
"Kiss My ASCI"
"You don't want to do this Earl. We gotta a good thing going here. We're going to be thousandaires with this book."
"I don't want to do this stupid book anymore. I realized I can't walk from town to town Yoning this idea. My Fovena is killing me."
"WAIT?!?! You're part of the team. You have to. My Loo is riding on this."
"I don't have to do anything, except Doven my barn, pay my taxes and Pish on my flowers before I go to bed."
"Listen Earl, I'm going to Dex you in the Za, if you Jink of backing out on me now."
"You can't make me. My Fovena!"
"To Haw with your Fovena. Here comes your Lichting."
And that was that. Roger and Earl fought until their Za's fell off.
The next morning, an entrepreneur was rolling through the area, found the guys passed out on their campsite, saw this ragged manual these fellows put together, noticed they were still catching flies, so he decided to take it before they woke up. One hundred twenty five years later, these words are still being used now. But who knows them? No one.
So, we need to fix this. I say abandon the idea altogether. Why WWF has screwed with me so bad, and given us this language, that is at best barbaric and uncivilized, I have no idea. I'm taking back the night. I say, NO MORE WWF Dictionary. I'm tired of not being able to use the word "OZ" because it's a proper noun, but I get LOO-d, Licht-d and Fovena-d.
Please, write to your fellow Congressman. Tell them enough is enough. We need WWF to play words only used in everyday language. Not this garbage of words no one has ever heard of. Otherwise, our intelligence is going to Pish right down the drain.
The fact that there is still no cure for AIDS.
Our National Deficit.
A Nine Dollar Beer At Yankee Stadium.
Justin Bieber.
Do these words mean anything to you???
ABA
JOLES
TUT
JINK
LOO
ZA
DEX
FOVENA
SIPE
ASCI
HARL
YON
HAW
NIX
LICHT
ARES
PISH
DOVEN
Think about it???
Anything come to mind???
You sure???
I'll tell you...
These are all acceptable words on Words With Friends. WWF is an iPhone application; yes we got our iPhones, no I haven't mastered it, yet, yes Kristen has, no it's not a sore subject for me, really it isn't, I swear...I promise...I think...
Basically, WWF is playing Scrabble with your friends on your iPhone. You get seven letters to play around the board, and depending on placements you can get double and triple letter points as well as double and triple letter words. It's not uncommon for someone to get 50 points on one turn. I've done it...
Wait, oh that's right...it's been done to me...
A LOT!!!
So, I've HEARD you can get more than 50 points in one turn.
I like hanging out in the eight to twelve ppt range (points per throw). Don't want to get my blood pressure rising with the thought I might win.
It's still fun. You can waste a good portion of your day thinking of different words to play. Trust me, I know.
Now before my Dad tells me from New York to "Get Back To Work", I can tell you I do my job. Granted, I was looking up pwc's (possible word combinations, come on people) about two minutes before the Governor press conference. I stopped. Didn't ask him for his advice, though. Should have...damn...
However, I hit my WWF limit today, and this is the injustice that needs fixing NOW.
All those words I gave you earlier, were used against me. Can anyone use those in a sentence?
"I just saw the Last Airbender and I wanted to Harl"
NO!!!
Kristen told me WWF uses a specific dictionary. I found it online. It's called the 1885 Southern Redneck Dictionary. I googled it, and it told me that there were a group of guys sitting around drinking, one night, wanting to make a few extra bucks. They came up with a crazy idea. They realized everyone knows about Webster's Dictionary. They wanted something of their own. Words they could use around town everyone would understand. The more they thought about this, the more excited they got, and the more they drank. They were writing down different slang words and eventually passed out.
They were saying things like...
"Earl, how about you Yon your way over here and give me some more moonshine before you Harl all over your feet."
"I'm not going to Harl! I feel great, as Licht as a Haw."
"Are you Joling me? You just Siped Roger in the mouth for talking smack about your woman."
"Kiss My ASCI"
"You don't want to do this Earl. We gotta a good thing going here. We're going to be thousandaires with this book."
"I don't want to do this stupid book anymore. I realized I can't walk from town to town Yoning this idea. My Fovena is killing me."
"WAIT?!?! You're part of the team. You have to. My Loo is riding on this."
"I don't have to do anything, except Doven my barn, pay my taxes and Pish on my flowers before I go to bed."
"Listen Earl, I'm going to Dex you in the Za, if you Jink of backing out on me now."
"You can't make me. My Fovena!"
"To Haw with your Fovena. Here comes your Lichting."
And that was that. Roger and Earl fought until their Za's fell off.
The next morning, an entrepreneur was rolling through the area, found the guys passed out on their campsite, saw this ragged manual these fellows put together, noticed they were still catching flies, so he decided to take it before they woke up. One hundred twenty five years later, these words are still being used now. But who knows them? No one.
So, we need to fix this. I say abandon the idea altogether. Why WWF has screwed with me so bad, and given us this language, that is at best barbaric and uncivilized, I have no idea. I'm taking back the night. I say, NO MORE WWF Dictionary. I'm tired of not being able to use the word "OZ" because it's a proper noun, but I get LOO-d, Licht-d and Fovena-d.
Please, write to your fellow Congressman. Tell them enough is enough. We need WWF to play words only used in everyday language. Not this garbage of words no one has ever heard of. Otherwise, our intelligence is going to Pish right down the drain.
Sunday, July 25, 2010
A message to all...we're catching up!
Last week was a big step in our relationship.
For years, Kristen and I have been fighting the urge to be common folk. Going against everyone else's desire and their tenacity to be so informed with what's going on. As if it's SO IMPORTANT to have to know the second something happens with the stock market, Lindsay Lohan or the score of the big game (there's always a big game, so icksnay that). In any case, we've been going against the grain.
Until now...
Ladies and Gentlemen, I'd like to introduce you to Kristen Cumming AND Brian Bachman...
New Owners Of...
The iPhone 4. (Thank you...thank you...you're too kind...I'd like to thank the Academy for making this possible, I'd like to thank God for all His hard work in this area, and I'd like to thank...what honey? No, that's not important. Alright, I'll tell them).
We're technically NOT (using air quotes) complete owners of the iPhone 4.
About eight days ago, or as Kristen would tell you, 8 days, 2 hours and 17 minutes ago, we bought the iPhone 4.
Except for the fact that nearly everyone older than the age of seven, bought the iPhone 4 the week it came out (something like 221 million people, give or take). Apple is still making the phones, yet they, along with AT&T, have no problem taking our money, while we wait for them to make more. When we asked how long it'll take for them to come in, the AT&T guy told us...
"It'll only take a week to get here. We get shipments all the time. I haven't seen it take longer than a week."
About two seconds after we walk out of the store after purchasing our new BFF's, I MEAN, our new phones, (which neither of us will obsess over at all, we will continue to stare lovingly into each other's eyes at restaurants, while everyone else sits next to each other glued face down into their phones), Kristen hops up and down..."WE'RE GETTING IPHONES...WE'RE GETTING IPHONES." Remember that eye staring...loving...we're the only ones that matter to each other thing I was just telling you about...I think every time Kristen hopped, society was slapping common sense into me.
They told us they'd call and email when our bad boys are coming to a new home.
We're not going to take faith in that.
Monday, Kristen calls them, still haven't shipped.
Tuesday, Kristen calls, still haven't shipped.
Wednesday, Kristen picks up the phone, and places a phone call to AT&T. At this point, our guy could probably recognize Kristen's voice, and the two are getting so comfortable, it wouldn't surprise me if he asked how Tucker was doing. Guess what??? Still haven't shipped.
Thursday, Kristen, AT&T...hi, have we met before...Survey Says...(buzzer sounding) STILL HAVEN'T SHIPPED.
Friday,
Kristen: "Honey, can you please call them and ask about our iPhones? They're onto me, and I think they're getting annoyed."
Me: "Sure, love of my life, sweet angel, dream of my dreams. Anything for you." (I talk like that to her all the time)
Pinocchio: "Hey, I want my nose back?"
AT&T: "This is AT&T, how can we tell you in so many ways we don't have a new shipment of iPhones in?"
Me: "Well, let's find out. Do you have our new iPhones in yet?"
Them: "Let me check...(puts phone call on hold)...Hey, Roger, can you believe these idiots? (laughing) Don't they know one week, really means October? Which excuse do you want me to use on these saps? (picks excuse out of hat) It gave me, dog ate your iPhone package? (picks up phone). Sorry, Sir, they still haven't shipped?"
Me: "Can you tell me if UPS and FedEx have arrived today? Oh, they haven't, can you tell me..."
Them: (Interrupting) "We'll call you and email you when they arrive."
You think that's going to deter us?
Two hours later...
Kristen calls, because the packages haven't arrived today. No movement.
Today, phone call to AT&T + our hopes of becoming technologically relevant = no iPhone.
So, that's where we're at.
Kristen couldn't be more excited. She'll have everything at her fingertip. Facebook, the constant updates (the whole thing confuses me), her email, her gossip sites (or at least I assume, she always knows everything happening, well before me). This is the beginning of a Kristen I'm a little frightened to witness; if her constant Verizon bill showing her AT&T calls is proof. But, I know she'll rock an iPhone like no other. In a couple hours, she'll have gone over, around and through the complexities that is a new device. She'll be spinning sites faster than a nine year old texting her BFF's, all the while Kristen will flash a gang sign as she passes them, yelling "BAM!!!"
For me, I've never had Internet on a phone. Probably because I'm worried that it would be so complicated to me, I'd have trouble getting off the main Internet page that would eventually flash, "Please move forward, there's so much more to see."
As I go all day without my email, I'm content. Anything that happens, I'll hear about eventually. But, when I do sit down in front of a computer, I could spend hours on fantasy baseball, Dave Matthews sites or reading anything and everything. The power of "If you put it in front of me, it must be good." Getting an iPhone won't clutter my everyday existence. Yeah right.
Did I tell you, I love iTunes, and my iPod? There's so much I could do with this new phone, but I'll take it slow...no I won't. I'll baby step my way into your world. The iPhone world; think again.
I'll have to, because unless I hire one of the seven year olds to show me how to use the thing, for the first month, all I'll be able to do is dial out. But, at least I'll keep trying.
Here we come world...watch out!
For years, Kristen and I have been fighting the urge to be common folk. Going against everyone else's desire and their tenacity to be so informed with what's going on. As if it's SO IMPORTANT to have to know the second something happens with the stock market, Lindsay Lohan or the score of the big game (there's always a big game, so icksnay that). In any case, we've been going against the grain.
Until now...
Ladies and Gentlemen, I'd like to introduce you to Kristen Cumming AND Brian Bachman...
New Owners Of...
The iPhone 4. (Thank you...thank you...you're too kind...I'd like to thank the Academy for making this possible, I'd like to thank God for all His hard work in this area, and I'd like to thank...what honey? No, that's not important. Alright, I'll tell them).
We're technically NOT (using air quotes) complete owners of the iPhone 4.
About eight days ago, or as Kristen would tell you, 8 days, 2 hours and 17 minutes ago, we bought the iPhone 4.
Except for the fact that nearly everyone older than the age of seven, bought the iPhone 4 the week it came out (something like 221 million people, give or take). Apple is still making the phones, yet they, along with AT&T, have no problem taking our money, while we wait for them to make more. When we asked how long it'll take for them to come in, the AT&T guy told us...
"It'll only take a week to get here. We get shipments all the time. I haven't seen it take longer than a week."
About two seconds after we walk out of the store after purchasing our new BFF's, I MEAN, our new phones, (which neither of us will obsess over at all, we will continue to stare lovingly into each other's eyes at restaurants, while everyone else sits next to each other glued face down into their phones), Kristen hops up and down..."WE'RE GETTING IPHONES...WE'RE GETTING IPHONES." Remember that eye staring...loving...we're the only ones that matter to each other thing I was just telling you about...I think every time Kristen hopped, society was slapping common sense into me.
They told us they'd call and email when our bad boys are coming to a new home.
We're not going to take faith in that.
Monday, Kristen calls them, still haven't shipped.
Tuesday, Kristen calls, still haven't shipped.
Wednesday, Kristen picks up the phone, and places a phone call to AT&T. At this point, our guy could probably recognize Kristen's voice, and the two are getting so comfortable, it wouldn't surprise me if he asked how Tucker was doing. Guess what??? Still haven't shipped.
Thursday, Kristen, AT&T...hi, have we met before...Survey Says...(buzzer sounding) STILL HAVEN'T SHIPPED.
Friday,
Kristen: "Honey, can you please call them and ask about our iPhones? They're onto me, and I think they're getting annoyed."
Me: "Sure, love of my life, sweet angel, dream of my dreams. Anything for you." (I talk like that to her all the time)
Pinocchio: "Hey, I want my nose back?"
AT&T: "This is AT&T, how can we tell you in so many ways we don't have a new shipment of iPhones in?"
Me: "Well, let's find out. Do you have our new iPhones in yet?"
Them: "Let me check...(puts phone call on hold)...Hey, Roger, can you believe these idiots? (laughing) Don't they know one week, really means October? Which excuse do you want me to use on these saps? (picks excuse out of hat) It gave me, dog ate your iPhone package? (picks up phone). Sorry, Sir, they still haven't shipped?"
Me: "Can you tell me if UPS and FedEx have arrived today? Oh, they haven't, can you tell me..."
Them: (Interrupting) "We'll call you and email you when they arrive."
You think that's going to deter us?
Two hours later...
Kristen calls, because the packages haven't arrived today. No movement.
Today, phone call to AT&T + our hopes of becoming technologically relevant = no iPhone.
So, that's where we're at.
Kristen couldn't be more excited. She'll have everything at her fingertip. Facebook, the constant updates (the whole thing confuses me), her email, her gossip sites (or at least I assume, she always knows everything happening, well before me). This is the beginning of a Kristen I'm a little frightened to witness; if her constant Verizon bill showing her AT&T calls is proof. But, I know she'll rock an iPhone like no other. In a couple hours, she'll have gone over, around and through the complexities that is a new device. She'll be spinning sites faster than a nine year old texting her BFF's, all the while Kristen will flash a gang sign as she passes them, yelling "BAM!!!"
For me, I've never had Internet on a phone. Probably because I'm worried that it would be so complicated to me, I'd have trouble getting off the main Internet page that would eventually flash, "Please move forward, there's so much more to see."
As I go all day without my email, I'm content. Anything that happens, I'll hear about eventually. But, when I do sit down in front of a computer, I could spend hours on fantasy baseball, Dave Matthews sites or reading anything and everything. The power of "If you put it in front of me, it must be good." Getting an iPhone won't clutter my everyday existence. Yeah right.
Did I tell you, I love iTunes, and my iPod? There's so much I could do with this new phone, but I'll take it slow...no I won't. I'll baby step my way into your world. The iPhone world; think again.
I'll have to, because unless I hire one of the seven year olds to show me how to use the thing, for the first month, all I'll be able to do is dial out. But, at least I'll keep trying.
Here we come world...watch out!
Monday, July 19, 2010
A New Chapter
So, I'm going back to work today. I haven't been there in a week and a half. In my life, this is the longest I've ever been out of work, sick. Nine days ago, I injured my back and had to go to the Emergency Room, and was "couch ridden" for five straight days. Didn't do much, other than flip the channels on the remote control, take painkillers, play on the computer, and heat my back.
I learned some things about myself over the past week and a half...
1) You think you'd enjoy a lot of time off from work. Not so much. No human interaction during the day makes it lonely at times. Tucker and I became best friends.
2) It's possible to actually beat the Internet. Sometime last Wednesday afternoon, I was scrolling through some websites, and a message came up that said, "Congratulations Brian, you've now reached the end of the Internet. Please go outside and enjoy the sunshine, you lazy piece of $%$@$".
3) I learned the Internet has a potty mouth.
4) I finished two books.
5) It could have been more if I didn't sleep 22 hours in a 28 hour period.
6) Painkillers make you sleepy.
7) And spaced out. I didn't drive for the first five days, because as the Doctor said, "Don't drive while you're on this (particular) painkiller (which I'm now off of), you'll get arrested for a DUI."
8) Who knew that doctors prescribed vodka and codeine as a prescription drug? That's weird.
9) Most importantly, I didn't realize how much I would miss exercising. I miss running on the treadmill, and yes, I miss you too, Tony from P90X. I'm not sure when I'm getting back to you, because you really emphasize the back in certain stretches, but I'd love to get back to a treadmill in due time. Slowly, walking. Then, maybe a mile one day. If all goes well, two miles another day. Do I need to pick a fight with my brother, just so my parents can threaten to take me back to the YMCA, again? I'll do it, if that's what it takes.
All in all, I'm glad to go back to work, today. Light duty for the time being, until my back gets closer to 100%. Hey, I'm just happy I can touch my knees again.
I learned some things about myself over the past week and a half...
1) You think you'd enjoy a lot of time off from work. Not so much. No human interaction during the day makes it lonely at times. Tucker and I became best friends.
2) It's possible to actually beat the Internet. Sometime last Wednesday afternoon, I was scrolling through some websites, and a message came up that said, "Congratulations Brian, you've now reached the end of the Internet. Please go outside and enjoy the sunshine, you lazy piece of $%$@$".
3) I learned the Internet has a potty mouth.
4) I finished two books.
5) It could have been more if I didn't sleep 22 hours in a 28 hour period.
6) Painkillers make you sleepy.
7) And spaced out. I didn't drive for the first five days, because as the Doctor said, "Don't drive while you're on this (particular) painkiller (which I'm now off of), you'll get arrested for a DUI."
8) Who knew that doctors prescribed vodka and codeine as a prescription drug? That's weird.
9) Most importantly, I didn't realize how much I would miss exercising. I miss running on the treadmill, and yes, I miss you too, Tony from P90X. I'm not sure when I'm getting back to you, because you really emphasize the back in certain stretches, but I'd love to get back to a treadmill in due time. Slowly, walking. Then, maybe a mile one day. If all goes well, two miles another day. Do I need to pick a fight with my brother, just so my parents can threaten to take me back to the YMCA, again? I'll do it, if that's what it takes.
All in all, I'm glad to go back to work, today. Light duty for the time being, until my back gets closer to 100%. Hey, I'm just happy I can touch my knees again.
Wednesday, July 14, 2010
Be Careful What You Wish For
Two and a half weeks ago, I made a commitment to myself to get in shape. At that time, we were T-minus 17 weeks until the wedding, and I wanted to lose some weight by..
a) Stop drinking beer
b) Eating healthier
c) Exercising
And that last one, I took very seriously. As I've mentioned before, Kristen and I started P90X, and let me tell you, that's a workout. You work your arms, legs, hips, back, even your tongue...for every time I yelled at Tony, "How About You Show Us What You're Going To Do Before You Do It Tony", or "My Body Doesn't Twist That Way TONY!!!", or the most popular, "I HATE YOU TONY!!!!!".
On some days, I would combine P90X with my running program. I joined the YMCA, mostly because if you want to run outside after 8am, you can actually hear your skin sizzle in the heat. Since I'm not a fan of a skin fillet, I became a Y person, and I love it.
I remember the days when I was younger and my older brother Kevin, would smooth out the kinks in the floor boards by using my head as his tool. My Grandma would call my mom saying something to the effect of, "Kevin's beating up on Brian again, Oh, he just broke his glasses again, Oh, now Brian's scratching him, again" (when you're three years younger, and slower, and fatter, you use whatever kind of leverage God gave you). My Mom would call us from work, crying, (we couldn't understand what she was saying underneath her sobs and our continued grappling) and the inevitable call from my Dad three minutes later, "You Boys Stop Fighting Right Now Or You're Going Back To The Y" (the Y at that time was a sweatshop of kids not playing, or having any fun activities whatsoever, and I believe at one time, they made us clean the kitchen).
The Y now is much different. I love it; probably because they don't force me to clean the kitchens anymore.
So, why am I telling you all this?
I've temporarily stopped P90-ing as well as running, and it's killing me. After two weeks, I finally felt thinner, and I was losing weight. And then, the irony of ironies came into my life.
The Chiropractor.
I've been shooting tv news for 10 years now, and I carry a lot of equipment and use my right shoulder as a "camera pad", while shooting sports, interviews, etc. Well, you can guess what my shoulders/neck/back looks like. It's not pretty, but it's mine, and I'm proud of them.
However, X-rays and other technological instruments would tell you differently. And that's why we hate those instruments. They tell us things of reality, while I enjoy living in quasi-reality. Tell me just enough to not change my perception, that's all I need out of life.
Last Wednesday, I went into the chiro for a meet and greet. He flipped me over onto my stomach, as if I was his personal pancake, so he could poke around my back. That lasted one minute. He's pushing on my back near my neck, shoulders, all over my back. It was a hit and run. The only thing we didn't have was a chalk outline of my body on that table.
An hour later, no joke, my lower back started hurting me. Mind you, earlier when I mentioned to them I had severe lower back pain two years ago, they admitted that they can't look at that area, because a spinal scan doesn't go down the spine that far, AND they admitted that any pushing on a certain part of the back could exacerbate that area. Guess what happened? Ding...Ding...DING....you exacerbated the area.
Next day, back hurt worse, but I got through. Two days later, back more stiff, more hurt. Three days later, back much better. Great...exacerbation over!
I started running again. It was three days since my last run, and I needed it. Started out real well. Running on a treadmill = Hamster on a wheel. Keep running, never going anywhere, death stare on the time, and distance in front of you. One foot after another after another after another...
I ran three miles, wanted another, but I felt my back hurting a bit more. I do the smart thing, and stop.
Wobble into the locker room...I can't touch my knees. I can't bend over. Try to stretch it out. Exacerbation!
Slowly walk to my car, flop in, that's the easy part. Anyone show you how to flop out of a car. It doesn't happen. With ten half inch moves, I slowly get out of the car by almost rolling my stomach onto the ground, and wobble my way into Kristen's apartment.
Kristen: "How was the gym?"
Me: "OK"
Kristen: "What's wrong?"
Me: "I hurt my back."
Kristen: "I'm so sorry honey, can I get you anything?"
Me: (slowly climbing upstairs) "Yeah, a new back."
I shower slowly, change, go back downstairs, do the smart thing, ice, medicine, drink, more ice, more medicine, and after five hours, time to go to bed. I can't move. Back completely locked up. Kristen wants me to go upstairs. Heck, my goal is to get up off the couch. Upstairs would have been me climbing Everest at that point. All I needed was a sherpa to help me find my way. The couch was my quicksand. I'm rolling off the couch, but haven't figured out when I hit the floor, how am I going to get off the floor? Uh oh, bigger problem. It took me five minutes to get off the couch and reach the stairs ten feet away. You know how I got up? Kristen lifted me up. If Kristen wasn't in my life, I'd still be on the couch.
Kristen: "I think we should call your Mom"
Me: "I don't want to worry her."
Kristen: "I think we should go to the emergency room."
Me: "I can't afford the ER"
Kristen: "Honey, you might not be able to get out of bed tomorrow. I think we need to go to the ER."
Me: (still in slow motion trying to move my feet towards the stairs the way our older, no let's say "Seasoned Generation" moves into the Rec Room for Bingo Night): "You're probably right. Let's go."
Spent three hours in the emergency room. They gave me painkillers (didn't work). Got three more bottles of painkillers from the 24 hour pharmacy. I thought I'd be good to go. Probably get one day off from work, and I'll be back.
Yeah, that didn't happen.
Called out of work on Monday. I can hear my Dad right now, 1500 miles away, "Unless you're in the hospital, you go to work. Now, stop writing your blog, and GET BACK TO WORK!"
I'm taking 10-12 pills of painkillers each day. You know what that does to you, besides take the edge off...puts you to sleep. In a 28 hour span, I slept 22 hours. When I work morning show, I don't get 22 hours of sleep in a week. I was the Bear hibernating in it's cave on Sunday. Poor Kristen. She could have moved the furniture around in the living room, with me laying on the couch, and I wouldn't have stirred. She could have lit fireworks in the house. Nothing. But, if she changed the channel...
Me: "(waking up as fast as humanly possible) "WHAT'S Going On? I was watching that."
Went to the orthopedist. He told me I had some inflammation in the back...you think. Gave me more painkillers. Good thing I don't get addicted to those things, because man, do they knock your socks off. Half my days, I'm a walking zombie. I went four days without driving my car, probably because everyone, including the mailboxes would have become a hood ornament on my Honda.
So, we're at Day Five now of "Couch Hibernation". And let me tell you...I thought it would have been great. Newsflash: It's not. I'd love to go back to work (if I could only bend down and touch my knees), I'd love to see people out in the world (yes, even those who constantly cut me off on I-4), and I'd love to be able to sit upright for more than half my day (so my legs don't have complete atrophy when this is over).
I've run out of tv shows to watch, I've finished a book, I've had the couch file a restraining order against me (we're working on a plea deal so it doesn't go to court, my lawyer tells me it's 50-50).
Anyone have any ideas how I can stay entertained during the day? The painkillers are working slowly (I am getting better though), but my boredom is on a Mach Three right now, gaining steam as the days drag on.
Again, I thought I would enjoy this. Not so much. Thankfully, I'm not seriously injured, but like I said, "Be Careful What You Wish For".
And for the record, I've halted P90 (no Mom, this wasn't caused by P90, I haven't P90'd two days before the Hit and Run), but not running, hurts my insides. I miss my Hamster Wheel.
a) Stop drinking beer
b) Eating healthier
c) Exercising
And that last one, I took very seriously. As I've mentioned before, Kristen and I started P90X, and let me tell you, that's a workout. You work your arms, legs, hips, back, even your tongue...for every time I yelled at Tony, "How About You Show Us What You're Going To Do Before You Do It Tony", or "My Body Doesn't Twist That Way TONY!!!", or the most popular, "I HATE YOU TONY!!!!!".
On some days, I would combine P90X with my running program. I joined the YMCA, mostly because if you want to run outside after 8am, you can actually hear your skin sizzle in the heat. Since I'm not a fan of a skin fillet, I became a Y person, and I love it.
I remember the days when I was younger and my older brother Kevin, would smooth out the kinks in the floor boards by using my head as his tool. My Grandma would call my mom saying something to the effect of, "Kevin's beating up on Brian again, Oh, he just broke his glasses again, Oh, now Brian's scratching him, again" (when you're three years younger, and slower, and fatter, you use whatever kind of leverage God gave you). My Mom would call us from work, crying, (we couldn't understand what she was saying underneath her sobs and our continued grappling) and the inevitable call from my Dad three minutes later, "You Boys Stop Fighting Right Now Or You're Going Back To The Y" (the Y at that time was a sweatshop of kids not playing, or having any fun activities whatsoever, and I believe at one time, they made us clean the kitchen).
The Y now is much different. I love it; probably because they don't force me to clean the kitchens anymore.
So, why am I telling you all this?
I've temporarily stopped P90-ing as well as running, and it's killing me. After two weeks, I finally felt thinner, and I was losing weight. And then, the irony of ironies came into my life.
The Chiropractor.
I've been shooting tv news for 10 years now, and I carry a lot of equipment and use my right shoulder as a "camera pad", while shooting sports, interviews, etc. Well, you can guess what my shoulders/neck/back looks like. It's not pretty, but it's mine, and I'm proud of them.
However, X-rays and other technological instruments would tell you differently. And that's why we hate those instruments. They tell us things of reality, while I enjoy living in quasi-reality. Tell me just enough to not change my perception, that's all I need out of life.
Last Wednesday, I went into the chiro for a meet and greet. He flipped me over onto my stomach, as if I was his personal pancake, so he could poke around my back. That lasted one minute. He's pushing on my back near my neck, shoulders, all over my back. It was a hit and run. The only thing we didn't have was a chalk outline of my body on that table.
An hour later, no joke, my lower back started hurting me. Mind you, earlier when I mentioned to them I had severe lower back pain two years ago, they admitted that they can't look at that area, because a spinal scan doesn't go down the spine that far, AND they admitted that any pushing on a certain part of the back could exacerbate that area. Guess what happened? Ding...Ding...DING....you exacerbated the area.
Next day, back hurt worse, but I got through. Two days later, back more stiff, more hurt. Three days later, back much better. Great...exacerbation over!
I started running again. It was three days since my last run, and I needed it. Started out real well. Running on a treadmill = Hamster on a wheel. Keep running, never going anywhere, death stare on the time, and distance in front of you. One foot after another after another after another...
I ran three miles, wanted another, but I felt my back hurting a bit more. I do the smart thing, and stop.
Wobble into the locker room...I can't touch my knees. I can't bend over. Try to stretch it out. Exacerbation!
Slowly walk to my car, flop in, that's the easy part. Anyone show you how to flop out of a car. It doesn't happen. With ten half inch moves, I slowly get out of the car by almost rolling my stomach onto the ground, and wobble my way into Kristen's apartment.
Kristen: "How was the gym?"
Me: "OK"
Kristen: "What's wrong?"
Me: "I hurt my back."
Kristen: "I'm so sorry honey, can I get you anything?"
Me: (slowly climbing upstairs) "Yeah, a new back."
I shower slowly, change, go back downstairs, do the smart thing, ice, medicine, drink, more ice, more medicine, and after five hours, time to go to bed. I can't move. Back completely locked up. Kristen wants me to go upstairs. Heck, my goal is to get up off the couch. Upstairs would have been me climbing Everest at that point. All I needed was a sherpa to help me find my way. The couch was my quicksand. I'm rolling off the couch, but haven't figured out when I hit the floor, how am I going to get off the floor? Uh oh, bigger problem. It took me five minutes to get off the couch and reach the stairs ten feet away. You know how I got up? Kristen lifted me up. If Kristen wasn't in my life, I'd still be on the couch.
Kristen: "I think we should call your Mom"
Me: "I don't want to worry her."
Kristen: "I think we should go to the emergency room."
Me: "I can't afford the ER"
Kristen: "Honey, you might not be able to get out of bed tomorrow. I think we need to go to the ER."
Me: (still in slow motion trying to move my feet towards the stairs the way our older, no let's say "Seasoned Generation" moves into the Rec Room for Bingo Night): "You're probably right. Let's go."
Spent three hours in the emergency room. They gave me painkillers (didn't work). Got three more bottles of painkillers from the 24 hour pharmacy. I thought I'd be good to go. Probably get one day off from work, and I'll be back.
Yeah, that didn't happen.
Called out of work on Monday. I can hear my Dad right now, 1500 miles away, "Unless you're in the hospital, you go to work. Now, stop writing your blog, and GET BACK TO WORK!"
I'm taking 10-12 pills of painkillers each day. You know what that does to you, besides take the edge off...puts you to sleep. In a 28 hour span, I slept 22 hours. When I work morning show, I don't get 22 hours of sleep in a week. I was the Bear hibernating in it's cave on Sunday. Poor Kristen. She could have moved the furniture around in the living room, with me laying on the couch, and I wouldn't have stirred. She could have lit fireworks in the house. Nothing. But, if she changed the channel...
Me: "(waking up as fast as humanly possible) "WHAT'S Going On? I was watching that."
Went to the orthopedist. He told me I had some inflammation in the back...you think. Gave me more painkillers. Good thing I don't get addicted to those things, because man, do they knock your socks off. Half my days, I'm a walking zombie. I went four days without driving my car, probably because everyone, including the mailboxes would have become a hood ornament on my Honda.
So, we're at Day Five now of "Couch Hibernation". And let me tell you...I thought it would have been great. Newsflash: It's not. I'd love to go back to work (if I could only bend down and touch my knees), I'd love to see people out in the world (yes, even those who constantly cut me off on I-4), and I'd love to be able to sit upright for more than half my day (so my legs don't have complete atrophy when this is over).
I've run out of tv shows to watch, I've finished a book, I've had the couch file a restraining order against me (we're working on a plea deal so it doesn't go to court, my lawyer tells me it's 50-50).
Anyone have any ideas how I can stay entertained during the day? The painkillers are working slowly (I am getting better though), but my boredom is on a Mach Three right now, gaining steam as the days drag on.
Again, I thought I would enjoy this. Not so much. Thankfully, I'm not seriously injured, but like I said, "Be Careful What You Wish For".
And for the record, I've halted P90 (no Mom, this wasn't caused by P90, I haven't P90'd two days before the Hit and Run), but not running, hurts my insides. I miss my Hamster Wheel.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
My limbs still work
Well...it's been two days since I started P90X.
I'd like to say off the bat, having Kristen P90X with me, is a huge help. Nothing like her being much better at the aerobics steps than me. Many times I have felt I had two right feet. I looked down and was amazed I didn't.
Starting off the first day, I knew I was in trouble when I was winded during the opening stretching routine. Uh oh! And I run about 10-12 miles a week, yet P90X stretching...Whoa! Let's face it, I can't touch my feet when I'm leaning over, stretching. Can't do it. I'm ok with that. But, should I feel that tight? I know it'll get easier.
I'd also like to say for the record, these people are cyborgs. There's no way they are 100% human. They're doing all this punching, jumping, squatting motions (sometimes all at once) with a smile on their face. I've already screamed, "I hate you Tony!" (Tony's the leader of the cyborg cult). He's half evil, half robot. I think Bill Gates created him at Microsoft.
Here's what we've worked on so far...
Arms
Legs
Butt
Chest
You do things like pushups (I have a feeling I'm going to do about 10,000 of these by the end of 90 days), this Dreya Roll, which is this inhumane way of standing up, then sitting down (without using your arms to guide you onto the floor), then you're on your back, roll your legs over your head, then reverse it, and pop back up (again without using your arms to get up). You do this over and over and over again.
Let's say, I have a friend (ME) who isn't the best at this (ME), and uses his hands, arms AND knees to stand back up during Dreya Roll (Again ME!!!). I also love doing leg kicks over a stool. Good times. Had to pick up parts of my groin off the carpet for that one. Poor Tucker. I accidentally kicked him in the face during this. I thought he would be concussed. Instead, he kept his happy face on, tag wagging as if nothing happened. Tony would LOVE his tenacity. Then, tell him to do it only FIVE MORE TIMES!!
Not too sore yet. Some stiffness. Drinking lots of water.
We took before pictures. Not sure how to post them. I'm sure Kristen will show me.
Two days down...88 more to go.
Oh, and my buddy Tim also started P90X on Monday (without knowing that Kristen and I were also doing it). You remember Tim. He's the one that has the biggest appetite of anyone I know. He could eat an entire buffalo if we gave him enough time. After these 90 days, I hope he doesn't lose his will to eat. That would be the biggest loss of all.
I'd like to say off the bat, having Kristen P90X with me, is a huge help. Nothing like her being much better at the aerobics steps than me. Many times I have felt I had two right feet. I looked down and was amazed I didn't.
Starting off the first day, I knew I was in trouble when I was winded during the opening stretching routine. Uh oh! And I run about 10-12 miles a week, yet P90X stretching...Whoa! Let's face it, I can't touch my feet when I'm leaning over, stretching. Can't do it. I'm ok with that. But, should I feel that tight? I know it'll get easier.
I'd also like to say for the record, these people are cyborgs. There's no way they are 100% human. They're doing all this punching, jumping, squatting motions (sometimes all at once) with a smile on their face. I've already screamed, "I hate you Tony!" (Tony's the leader of the cyborg cult). He's half evil, half robot. I think Bill Gates created him at Microsoft.
Here's what we've worked on so far...
Arms
Legs
Butt
Chest
You do things like pushups (I have a feeling I'm going to do about 10,000 of these by the end of 90 days), this Dreya Roll, which is this inhumane way of standing up, then sitting down (without using your arms to guide you onto the floor), then you're on your back, roll your legs over your head, then reverse it, and pop back up (again without using your arms to get up). You do this over and over and over again.
Let's say, I have a friend (ME) who isn't the best at this (ME), and uses his hands, arms AND knees to stand back up during Dreya Roll (Again ME!!!). I also love doing leg kicks over a stool. Good times. Had to pick up parts of my groin off the carpet for that one. Poor Tucker. I accidentally kicked him in the face during this. I thought he would be concussed. Instead, he kept his happy face on, tag wagging as if nothing happened. Tony would LOVE his tenacity. Then, tell him to do it only FIVE MORE TIMES!!
Not too sore yet. Some stiffness. Drinking lots of water.
We took before pictures. Not sure how to post them. I'm sure Kristen will show me.
Two days down...88 more to go.
Oh, and my buddy Tim also started P90X on Monday (without knowing that Kristen and I were also doing it). You remember Tim. He's the one that has the biggest appetite of anyone I know. He could eat an entire buffalo if we gave him enough time. After these 90 days, I hope he doesn't lose his will to eat. That would be the biggest loss of all.
Sunday, June 27, 2010
The New Soon To Be Me
Before we get started, I just want to let you know...
The Streak Lives On! 5,208 days and counting. Even an All You Can Eat Meat Fest keeps the food down. Amazing! Like I've always said...The Streak is bigger than you and me.
But, onto new things, and a new chapter in my life.
Let's call this chapter...Hell!
At least that's what I've heard people call it.
No, I'm talking about the fact that starting Monday morning, Kristen and I are starting P90X. If you're unfamiliar with P90X, basically it works your entire body, section by section, for 90 straight days, with occasional days off, to what they call stretch, so that when you bend over to tie your shoes, you're able to straighten up.
I always ask a guy at work who is doing P90X..."James, how's it going?" "HELL". Or Shannon, "How's P90X?" "I can't move my arms." Well...then! There's that!
Here's a video of P90X...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rQwHGiAyyBU&feature=channel
I love how they dare you at the end. That's always encouraging. Sounds like a real walk in the park.
How did I get myself involved with this? Oh yeah, less than four months until I get hitched, so I'd like to lose some of my "Baby Fat" before then. Granted, thirty years after the fact, but Baby Fat burns off right?
I wish I was technologically savvy enough to take a before and after picture of myself, and post it.
Oh...I found one of myself...
http://media.photobucket.com/image/chunk/shadys-lady/chunk.jpg
Hopefully, I won't look like that person on October 23rd.
Throughout "Hell", I will continuously track my progress to everyone so you can know where to send flowers in case of serious injury.
Also, for the next three months, I hope I'll be able to do the following...
Be able to tie my shoes and not ask for assistance.
Be able to pick up the camera at work...on second thought, I'd like to be able to straighten my arms and not cry.
Be able to wake up out of bed and not ask for a "Push".
Be able to sneeze and not worry about cracking a rib.
Be able to fork my own food into my mouth.
You know the little things.
I'll let you know how we do.
The Streak Lives On! 5,208 days and counting. Even an All You Can Eat Meat Fest keeps the food down. Amazing! Like I've always said...The Streak is bigger than you and me.
But, onto new things, and a new chapter in my life.
Let's call this chapter...Hell!
At least that's what I've heard people call it.
No, I'm talking about the fact that starting Monday morning, Kristen and I are starting P90X. If you're unfamiliar with P90X, basically it works your entire body, section by section, for 90 straight days, with occasional days off, to what they call stretch, so that when you bend over to tie your shoes, you're able to straighten up.
I always ask a guy at work who is doing P90X..."James, how's it going?" "HELL". Or Shannon, "How's P90X?" "I can't move my arms." Well...then! There's that!
Here's a video of P90X...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rQwHGiAyyBU&feature=channel
I love how they dare you at the end. That's always encouraging. Sounds like a real walk in the park.
How did I get myself involved with this? Oh yeah, less than four months until I get hitched, so I'd like to lose some of my "Baby Fat" before then. Granted, thirty years after the fact, but Baby Fat burns off right?
I wish I was technologically savvy enough to take a before and after picture of myself, and post it.
Oh...I found one of myself...
http://media.photobucket.com/image/chunk/shadys-lady/chunk.jpg
Hopefully, I won't look like that person on October 23rd.
Throughout "Hell", I will continuously track my progress to everyone so you can know where to send flowers in case of serious injury.
Also, for the next three months, I hope I'll be able to do the following...
Be able to tie my shoes and not ask for assistance.
Be able to pick up the camera at work...on second thought, I'd like to be able to straighten my arms and not cry.
Be able to wake up out of bed and not ask for a "Push".
Be able to sneeze and not worry about cracking a rib.
Be able to fork my own food into my mouth.
You know the little things.
I'll let you know how we do.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Write this on my tombstone...
Things I'm most proud of in my life...
Graduating college
Successful in the television news industry
Leaving family and friends in New York and moving to Florida without knowing anyone
Meeting Kristen and having the opportunity to marry her
Not getting mugged in any of my shady apartment complexes (I've learned they're cheap for a reason)
The streak
It was a fateful night...March 24, 1996, I was a senior in high school. A friend of mine, who later turned out to be my college roommate, was having a party with non Gatorade beverages. That same night, Syracuse was playing in the Sweet 16 against Georgia. Anyone who knows me, puts up with my obsession with Syracuse basketball. This was a HUGE game for the 'Cuse. Top 15 team in the country, playing for a chance to make it to the Elite Eight. Syracuse down 2 with two seconds left. Inbounds pass from half court...Jason Cipolla catches it, throws it up...MAKES IT...ties the game...in overtime, Syracuse down 2 with ten seconds left...their best player...John Wallace...6'8"...a ball handler he is not...decides to bring the ball up...everyone within earshot of Syracuse hears the collective cry from the city..."NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"...he fumbles his way upcourt as gracefully as an ice skating pig...throws up a 3...and NAILS IT!!!! Syracuse wins.
And I celebrate as if I'm in the heap of the Syracuse players. From that moment on, the non Gatorade beverages were flowing at an increased rate.
Looking back on it...all I remember after the game is stumbling out of the bathroom as cops inform me I've had too much to drink. Very insightful.
Friends gave me a ride home and I proceed to make it out of the driveway before I lose what wasn't Gatorade onto a poor, unsuspecting sidewalk.
Everything after that horn sounded to end the game was a moment I'd like to forget.
Unfortunately, I can't. From that moment on...the streak was born.
There are many famous streaks out there....
Joe DiMaggio hitting safely in 56 straight games.
Cal Ripken playing in 2632 straight games.
Wilt Chamberlain sleeping with different women in 1284 consecutive days.
Dad eating the cookies I leave out for Santa, right in front of me, on the night of Christmas Eve, for the last five years.
Mine...
It's been 14 plus years since I've thrown up.
There were some close calls.
Like the May 2000 incident, the night before college graduation, standing over the toilet, reading the streak it's last rites. I made my peace with it. But, it survived.
Or the times I see people on the "teacups" at Disney World. That gives me the queasies.
I bring this up, because two days ago, intestinal forecasters warned me that there is a vomit warning on the horizon, possibly making landfall around Saturday night.
Hey, that sucks...that's the same night as my Bachelor Party and I don't want to have to leave my guys, so I can be sick and miss out on all of the fun and...
OH...
UH OH...
Now I see...
Not Good.
Here is the itinerary...
Late morning...Beer Olympics...caps...cornhole...beer pong.
Make an appearance at the shower my Mom is throwing Kristen. AKA...don't be so buzzed that you're a moron. Show up, sit up and shut up. Well, not the last part, I needed another "s". I do have to contribute...things like..."That's a lovely bowl" or "I've always wanted that glassware" or "I can die a happy man knowing my love got the dishes she always wanted."
After that, more Beer Olympics...followed by a drive to Niagara Falls. Casino, drinking and eating. My favorite part...a dinner at an all you can eat Brazilian steakhouse. You know what that means...
A meat-off between my brother Kevin, who's penchant for throwing down food in mass quantities is growing more legendary the older he gets (you should have seen what he did to the Bellagio Buffet...I thought they were going to call security and have us escorted out of there because the food didn't have a chance of surviving) vs Tim who was born that way, and eats more than any other person I've ever met. Old School vs New School. Mentor vs Student. It's the Meat-Off. We should pay per view this thing.
After this....more drinking.
I'm getting the sense Kevin wants to see me lose the streak.
Sadly enough, I've been proud of the streak for years and years. I'm excited it's lasted this long. I hope it doesn't flame out this weekend. I'll be really sad.
I've realized the streak is bigger than you and me. I just hope it continues to live, so we can all share in the good news.
Graduating college
Successful in the television news industry
Leaving family and friends in New York and moving to Florida without knowing anyone
Meeting Kristen and having the opportunity to marry her
Not getting mugged in any of my shady apartment complexes (I've learned they're cheap for a reason)
The streak
It was a fateful night...March 24, 1996, I was a senior in high school. A friend of mine, who later turned out to be my college roommate, was having a party with non Gatorade beverages. That same night, Syracuse was playing in the Sweet 16 against Georgia. Anyone who knows me, puts up with my obsession with Syracuse basketball. This was a HUGE game for the 'Cuse. Top 15 team in the country, playing for a chance to make it to the Elite Eight. Syracuse down 2 with two seconds left. Inbounds pass from half court...Jason Cipolla catches it, throws it up...MAKES IT...ties the game...in overtime, Syracuse down 2 with ten seconds left...their best player...John Wallace...6'8"...a ball handler he is not...decides to bring the ball up...everyone within earshot of Syracuse hears the collective cry from the city..."NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"...he fumbles his way upcourt as gracefully as an ice skating pig...throws up a 3...and NAILS IT!!!! Syracuse wins.
And I celebrate as if I'm in the heap of the Syracuse players. From that moment on, the non Gatorade beverages were flowing at an increased rate.
Looking back on it...all I remember after the game is stumbling out of the bathroom as cops inform me I've had too much to drink. Very insightful.
Friends gave me a ride home and I proceed to make it out of the driveway before I lose what wasn't Gatorade onto a poor, unsuspecting sidewalk.
Everything after that horn sounded to end the game was a moment I'd like to forget.
Unfortunately, I can't. From that moment on...the streak was born.
There are many famous streaks out there....
Joe DiMaggio hitting safely in 56 straight games.
Cal Ripken playing in 2632 straight games.
Wilt Chamberlain sleeping with different women in 1284 consecutive days.
Dad eating the cookies I leave out for Santa, right in front of me, on the night of Christmas Eve, for the last five years.
Mine...
It's been 14 plus years since I've thrown up.
There were some close calls.
Like the May 2000 incident, the night before college graduation, standing over the toilet, reading the streak it's last rites. I made my peace with it. But, it survived.
Or the times I see people on the "teacups" at Disney World. That gives me the queasies.
I bring this up, because two days ago, intestinal forecasters warned me that there is a vomit warning on the horizon, possibly making landfall around Saturday night.
Hey, that sucks...that's the same night as my Bachelor Party and I don't want to have to leave my guys, so I can be sick and miss out on all of the fun and...
OH...
UH OH...
Now I see...
Not Good.
Here is the itinerary...
Late morning...Beer Olympics...caps...cornhole...beer pong.
Make an appearance at the shower my Mom is throwing Kristen. AKA...don't be so buzzed that you're a moron. Show up, sit up and shut up. Well, not the last part, I needed another "s". I do have to contribute...things like..."That's a lovely bowl" or "I've always wanted that glassware" or "I can die a happy man knowing my love got the dishes she always wanted."
After that, more Beer Olympics...followed by a drive to Niagara Falls. Casino, drinking and eating. My favorite part...a dinner at an all you can eat Brazilian steakhouse. You know what that means...
A meat-off between my brother Kevin, who's penchant for throwing down food in mass quantities is growing more legendary the older he gets (you should have seen what he did to the Bellagio Buffet...I thought they were going to call security and have us escorted out of there because the food didn't have a chance of surviving) vs Tim who was born that way, and eats more than any other person I've ever met. Old School vs New School. Mentor vs Student. It's the Meat-Off. We should pay per view this thing.
After this....more drinking.
I'm getting the sense Kevin wants to see me lose the streak.
Sadly enough, I've been proud of the streak for years and years. I'm excited it's lasted this long. I hope it doesn't flame out this weekend. I'll be really sad.
I've realized the streak is bigger than you and me. I just hope it continues to live, so we can all share in the good news.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
A One Sided Mismatch
Ever say to yourself, "What did I do to deserve this?"
Had one of those moments this morning as I was on my way to work.
I walked outside and I noticed my silver Honda Accord was littered...no littered isn't a strong enough word...MASSACRED in bird poop. My car had no chance. There must have been thirty different spots hit. The windshield, the hood, the roof, the side windows (always a tough angle for them). What those birds did to my car isn't humane. They must have been circling my car over and over, having a contest with one another.
"Hey Jermaine...watch this...(drops)...OHHHHH!!!! That was a good one. Right on the door handle. He's going to have a tough one getting that off his hands."
Either that, or it was one single bird that had WAY too much Mexican last night. If that's the case, I honestly want to send it to a vet and get it's digestive system cleaned. Give it some Imodium, nurse it back to health and send it on it's way.
I would have taken a picture but it was the middle of the night, I don't own a camera or a phone that has flash. I'm really up on the times.
At first, I thought it was the "neighborhood kids", and I don't even know if there are "neighborhood kids", but it's always easier to blame it on them. I thought they painted my car white...I'm not kidding.
I noticed that no other car got hit in the parking lot. So, I spent five minutes looking up research to my long held belief that birds like using silver cars as their own personal porta potties. I came up with about eight other people having the same experience that their silver cars got crushed in a parking lot or driveway and not a speck anywhere else.
Mind you, I haven't had great experiences with birds. Over the last three years, I've been hit twice in the head by our hawk. No, we don't own a hawk, but every year there's a hawk at work who spends a couple months divebombing my co-workers. And the tv station can't do anything about it. We're told by Fish and Wildlife that because they're endangered (as opposed to my head), we have to leave them alone. So, they continue picking us off like target practice and we take it. "Thank you sir, may I have another."
All in all, birds and I aren't cohabitating together right now. Not until they stop using my car as target practice...or until they lay off the Mexican.
Had one of those moments this morning as I was on my way to work.
I walked outside and I noticed my silver Honda Accord was littered...no littered isn't a strong enough word...MASSACRED in bird poop. My car had no chance. There must have been thirty different spots hit. The windshield, the hood, the roof, the side windows (always a tough angle for them). What those birds did to my car isn't humane. They must have been circling my car over and over, having a contest with one another.
"Hey Jermaine...watch this...(drops)...OHHHHH!!!! That was a good one. Right on the door handle. He's going to have a tough one getting that off his hands."
Either that, or it was one single bird that had WAY too much Mexican last night. If that's the case, I honestly want to send it to a vet and get it's digestive system cleaned. Give it some Imodium, nurse it back to health and send it on it's way.
I would have taken a picture but it was the middle of the night, I don't own a camera or a phone that has flash. I'm really up on the times.
At first, I thought it was the "neighborhood kids", and I don't even know if there are "neighborhood kids", but it's always easier to blame it on them. I thought they painted my car white...I'm not kidding.
I noticed that no other car got hit in the parking lot. So, I spent five minutes looking up research to my long held belief that birds like using silver cars as their own personal porta potties. I came up with about eight other people having the same experience that their silver cars got crushed in a parking lot or driveway and not a speck anywhere else.
Mind you, I haven't had great experiences with birds. Over the last three years, I've been hit twice in the head by our hawk. No, we don't own a hawk, but every year there's a hawk at work who spends a couple months divebombing my co-workers. And the tv station can't do anything about it. We're told by Fish and Wildlife that because they're endangered (as opposed to my head), we have to leave them alone. So, they continue picking us off like target practice and we take it. "Thank you sir, may I have another."
All in all, birds and I aren't cohabitating together right now. Not until they stop using my car as target practice...or until they lay off the Mexican.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Why are you defending yourself?
I was driving around in sunny Florida today and I noticed a truck with a sticker on it's window that said the following...
"I'll take my guns, my freedom and my money and you can have the change."
First off, what does that mean? Your change? I have no idea what you're offering me. I'm a fairly intelligent individual. I got an 1120 on my SAT's before they completely changed the scoring. Now an 1120 will land you on a PROP 48 list for a college basketball recruit. Next, you're going to have shady characters named Rocco knocking on your door asking you if they can take your next SAT exam for you, so you can play point guard for their favorite college basketball program. But, for me, I don't think my college fraternity, Kappa Alpha, was hiring anyone on my behalf, so I could squeeze onto the fraternity's intramural volleyball team.
Second, why do gun owners feel the need to show off to fellow drivers the fact that they own a gun? Last I heard, you don't need a gun in order to put a car into ignition, drive 60 mph in a 35 mph zone, weave in and around cars with no turn signals, cross two lanes of traffic, stop on a dime, just so they can pull into Publix; at least that's how they drive in Florida.
Here are the following gun bumper stickers that you just COULDN'T live without...
Gun Control Means Using Both Hands
Gun Control Means Hitting Your Target
A Gun In The Hand Is Better Than A Cop On The Phone
See...now you can sleep better knowing these are out there.
Some gun owners scream..."Second Amendment rights." Thanks. I know that you're allowed to own a gun. I don't need a bumper sticker to remind me of that fact. It's my right to own an iPod. I'm not going to make up a bumper sticker that says..."I'm spinning tunes with Apple. You can have my core."
I just don't understand the need to tell me you're packing. Next time, I'm wondering, I'll ask. Until then...get your gun out of my face. I need two eyes on the road before I get cut off again.
"I'll take my guns, my freedom and my money and you can have the change."
First off, what does that mean? Your change? I have no idea what you're offering me. I'm a fairly intelligent individual. I got an 1120 on my SAT's before they completely changed the scoring. Now an 1120 will land you on a PROP 48 list for a college basketball recruit. Next, you're going to have shady characters named Rocco knocking on your door asking you if they can take your next SAT exam for you, so you can play point guard for their favorite college basketball program. But, for me, I don't think my college fraternity, Kappa Alpha, was hiring anyone on my behalf, so I could squeeze onto the fraternity's intramural volleyball team.
Second, why do gun owners feel the need to show off to fellow drivers the fact that they own a gun? Last I heard, you don't need a gun in order to put a car into ignition, drive 60 mph in a 35 mph zone, weave in and around cars with no turn signals, cross two lanes of traffic, stop on a dime, just so they can pull into Publix; at least that's how they drive in Florida.
Here are the following gun bumper stickers that you just COULDN'T live without...
Gun Control Means Using Both Hands
Gun Control Means Hitting Your Target
A Gun In The Hand Is Better Than A Cop On The Phone
See...now you can sleep better knowing these are out there.
Some gun owners scream..."Second Amendment rights." Thanks. I know that you're allowed to own a gun. I don't need a bumper sticker to remind me of that fact. It's my right to own an iPod. I'm not going to make up a bumper sticker that says..."I'm spinning tunes with Apple. You can have my core."
I just don't understand the need to tell me you're packing. Next time, I'm wondering, I'll ask. Until then...get your gun out of my face. I need two eyes on the road before I get cut off again.
Friday, May 28, 2010
I'm glad I'm a guy
Anyone who knows me knows I love food. Probably half my posts are related to food. It's a true miracle I don't weight 300 pounds and have the cholesterol level of a Samoan guy (quote courtesy to Joe Cowan).
I'm obsessed with food. Kristen sent me a link to our honeymoon hotel in Hawaii.
http://www.hiltonwaikoloavillage.com/
First thing I looked at...
Dining. I want to see all the restaurants they have to offer. That's who I am.
In a little more than two weeks, Kristen and I are flying to Rochester, so my mom can throw her a bridal shower and I will have my bachelor's party in Niagara Falls. Two birds, one stone.
Yesterday, I heard what was on her menu. What's the opposite of mouth watering? Mouth drying? Desert mouth?
Don't get me wrong, the food will be spectacular. It's from a very well known hotel in Rochester, and I know the ladies will love it.
It's just not my cup of tea. Let's take a look at something that I would want...
Wait, it's NOT about me? Really? Oh well, here's what I would want if I was having a Groomsman's shower of food, food and more food...
Garbage plate, a combination of hamburgers, mac salad, potatoes, hot sauce, ketchup, all sitting on top of each other...http://margorabb.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/garbageplate1.jpg
Now, doesn't that look delicious?
Or, a contest to see who can eat a 30" pizza the quickest.
Or, all you can eat barbecue.
Or a five pound burrito? That would be awesome!!
See a trend here.
Kristen's menu...
Pistachio crusted chicken. I know all the ladies are saying, "HMMMM!!!!" Why put pistachios on chicken, when you can douse it with barbecue sauce? That's ridiculous.
A mixed green salad. Why mix greens into anything? That just stops the process of seeing how much one can eat at any given time.
And the topper...
Lemon Chaffon Cake.
I think the word "Chaffon" in French means "Air". Why have an Air Cake?
Let's have a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Cheesecake with Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough. That's my kind of dessert. With milkshakes.
I wonder why my stomach hurts at night. Must be all the water I drink. I told them no tap water.
Again, I know it will be amazing for the ladies. I'm not dissing my mom. I'm dissing the bridal shower system. Let's give the ladies some Five Guys Burgers. Multiple hamburgers, unlimited toppings of mushrooms, red onions, fried onions, bacon, lettuce (see you can have greens), mayonnaise, hot sauce, ketchup, whatever. An entire bag's worth of fries. Now we're talking. I'm going to ambush the shower with Five Guys.
On second thought, that might be rude to my mother. So, I won't. But, only because I love my mother.
Instead, I'm going to bridal shower crash someone I don't know. Walk in with bags of grease..."LADIES, who wants some Five Guys?" They'll look at me like I'm George Clooney. Or Justin Bieber if it's a teenage bridal shower. Hey, have you seen those shows on MTV? There's more out there than you think.
Kristen wouldn't want this for her shower. She likes what my mom chooses. So, it works out for everyone.
However, I'm seeing a trend of Men Eat Whatever They Want (until they're married) vs Women Who Mix In Greens. Once I say, "I Do", I know Kristen will throw a plate of greens my way (I'll ask what that red thing is, she'll say it's a tomato), and throw out all my burrito punch cards. But, I was so close to my third time of getting a free burrito after ten purchases. It's to the point, I'm having conversations with the general manager of the store.
So, until the "I Do", please don't send me any chaffon. I have a mouth to water.
I'm obsessed with food. Kristen sent me a link to our honeymoon hotel in Hawaii.
http://www.hiltonwaikoloavillage.com/
First thing I looked at...
Dining. I want to see all the restaurants they have to offer. That's who I am.
In a little more than two weeks, Kristen and I are flying to Rochester, so my mom can throw her a bridal shower and I will have my bachelor's party in Niagara Falls. Two birds, one stone.
Yesterday, I heard what was on her menu. What's the opposite of mouth watering? Mouth drying? Desert mouth?
Don't get me wrong, the food will be spectacular. It's from a very well known hotel in Rochester, and I know the ladies will love it.
It's just not my cup of tea. Let's take a look at something that I would want...
Wait, it's NOT about me? Really? Oh well, here's what I would want if I was having a Groomsman's shower of food, food and more food...
Garbage plate, a combination of hamburgers, mac salad, potatoes, hot sauce, ketchup, all sitting on top of each other...http://margorabb.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/garbageplate1.jpg
Now, doesn't that look delicious?
Or, a contest to see who can eat a 30" pizza the quickest.
Or, all you can eat barbecue.
Or a five pound burrito? That would be awesome!!
See a trend here.
Kristen's menu...
Pistachio crusted chicken. I know all the ladies are saying, "HMMMM!!!!" Why put pistachios on chicken, when you can douse it with barbecue sauce? That's ridiculous.
A mixed green salad. Why mix greens into anything? That just stops the process of seeing how much one can eat at any given time.
And the topper...
Lemon Chaffon Cake.
I think the word "Chaffon" in French means "Air". Why have an Air Cake?
Let's have a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup Cheesecake with Chocolate Chip Cookie Dough. That's my kind of dessert. With milkshakes.
I wonder why my stomach hurts at night. Must be all the water I drink. I told them no tap water.
Again, I know it will be amazing for the ladies. I'm not dissing my mom. I'm dissing the bridal shower system. Let's give the ladies some Five Guys Burgers. Multiple hamburgers, unlimited toppings of mushrooms, red onions, fried onions, bacon, lettuce (see you can have greens), mayonnaise, hot sauce, ketchup, whatever. An entire bag's worth of fries. Now we're talking. I'm going to ambush the shower with Five Guys.
On second thought, that might be rude to my mother. So, I won't. But, only because I love my mother.
Instead, I'm going to bridal shower crash someone I don't know. Walk in with bags of grease..."LADIES, who wants some Five Guys?" They'll look at me like I'm George Clooney. Or Justin Bieber if it's a teenage bridal shower. Hey, have you seen those shows on MTV? There's more out there than you think.
Kristen wouldn't want this for her shower. She likes what my mom chooses. So, it works out for everyone.
However, I'm seeing a trend of Men Eat Whatever They Want (until they're married) vs Women Who Mix In Greens. Once I say, "I Do", I know Kristen will throw a plate of greens my way (I'll ask what that red thing is, she'll say it's a tomato), and throw out all my burrito punch cards. But, I was so close to my third time of getting a free burrito after ten purchases. It's to the point, I'm having conversations with the general manager of the store.
So, until the "I Do", please don't send me any chaffon. I have a mouth to water.
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